This is going to be a long one, basically me documenting what I’ve been going through personally. It’s important to how I’ve grown as a person, and I did say this was a personal blog alongside my story from scratch. While 2015 was my year figuring out the world of YouTube & Social Media, I feel 2016 is my year of personal fitness, fortification and self realization.
Nearing the end of last year, I had a terrible flu followed by a really bad cold with no recovery time, and since I have been battling heart break, depression, social anxiety, anticipation anxiety, and a severe genetic anxiety disorder that had me convulsing in and out of the hospital, doctors, the bathtub, on and off the couch. I’m on my final increase of dosage for my medication, and I’ve finished taking my other meds. I’m moving forward and mentally I am much, much more stable than I was in the past. Once I’m on this dosage for another couple months, I’m going to start weaning off.
To be honest, I thought anxiety was just an attention grab from self concious bitches. Having gone through it, severely, I now understand that even some of the smallest things seem impossible when having an attack. It’s crazy, unreal. And honestly when I started having them I thought I was going crazy. What you perceive as easy and difficult changes completely, it’s like living in a nightmare that hurts.
With the above challenges, I have lost a lot of hair in a mixture of stress from that and piling student loans debt. I dropped out of college as I literally couldn’t go, and I wasn’t interested in it anymore. I just received my new hair regrowth products in the mail today! On that note, I’ve redone my wardrobe completely taking out shirts that were too big or too small, clothes I generally wasn’t interested in and have been gradually replacing them with what I feel are more attractive and fitting. While I’ve always been OK in the acne department, I’ve always had a little bit here and there, and no products seemed to work until recently this new oil free face wash I got. My face feels so much more fresh and I can already see a rapid response for the better. Finally, my teeth have never been pearly white, but over the past few months I have been taking extra extra care with floss, alcohol free mouth wash, and brushing 2-3 times a day. My teeth are almost white again.
For a while now I’ve always straightened my medium length, red curly hair. Think Kalan Porter’s long hair. I was self concious about the curls but the first time going to therapy I couldn’t bother to do myself up, and, for the first time a woman complimented my hair. I was wearing it naturally curly and dishevelled. I decided to wear it like that to a party, and received compliments from my friends and some of the girls there, it was honestly heart warming. I have stopped straightening my hair for good, and I’m trying out different styles that work with my curls.
I’ve been going to therapy sessions (I started them about a month ago), I’ve had two so far and I have another one coming up in a few days. This is to further bolster my mental stability while putting me ahead of the game for when I start weaning off the drugs and deal with withdraws.
I’m on Day 17 of my new workout plan; my goal is to gain weight right now so there is a distinct lack of cardio. I’ve been eating a snack or small meal every 2 hours, taking vitamin supplements, protein shakes, with one big meal a day. Keep in mind I’m 6′2 and my goal is 180lbs.
Here is what it looks like:
SUNDAY: Chest and biceps
MONDAY: Legs, triceps, and abs (jump rope)
TUESDAY: Shoulders and back
WEDNESDAY: Chest, biceps, and abs
THURSDAY: Rest
FRIDAY Day: Shoulders, Back, Legs, triceps, and abs (jump rope)
SATURDAY Day: Rest
(About a month prior I was 140lbs from a previous 165lbs due to the physical and mental illnesses I had been going through)
Day 1 - Workout Complete, Got dumbbells & jump rope
Day 2 - Workout Complete, Started watching Mike Chang & Eating every 2-3 hours
Day 3 - Rested, Got weight scale--145lbs!!
Day 4 - Workout Complete
Day 5 - Rested
Day 6 - Workout Complete
Day 7 - Rested
Day 8 - Workout Complete (Sunday)
Day 9 - Workout Complete--148lbs
Day 10 - Workout Complete
Day 11 - Workout Complete
Day 12 - Rested
Day 13 - Workout Complete (fucked up my leg so skipped legs)
Day 14 - Rested
Day 15 - Workout Complete (Sunday)
Day 16 - SKIPPED (First time I bitched out, regretting it)
Day 17 - Workout Complete, 150lbs!!!!!
*Last medication dosage increase before I start weaning off
*New hair regrowth products & working facewash
*Teeth are almost white again
*Stopped straightening my curly hair
*On Day 17 of my weight gain workout plan
I’m not trying to say my problems are worse than anyone else's. I know for a fact people have had it harder than me, and some of what I’ve gone through has been self induced and no one’s fault but my own. However, this is for my own personal documentation and for those other future new YouTubers who want to see what I went through during my journey. I want to show to myself and others that it is possible to get through your difficulties and to make changes. I thought I was going to marry my ex, I didn’t know anxiety was a real thing, I thought I was going to finish college and go to university. Things change, people change, life changes. I changed. You just grow up and start realizing what you find important. In my case it’s my goals, my appearance and fitness, and one day finding someone that is right for me. Life is tough and while you might not think taking small steps like cleaning your house, your car, working out even if you can’t afford a gym membership will actually help you, it does. I’m sure if I just did one small thing to help myself it wouldn’t feel like much changed. But I’ve been taking multiple steps as I’ve listed to further myself as a person and I feel much more like an adult, much more like the person I always dreamed about being. I guess there’s my two cents on life advice. Thank you for reading, if you did you are one brave soul.
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