Please observe the array of fake Shane Hollander banner ads I made for the chapter of @luulapants The Tennis Club that’ll be posting in the next few days.
You can interpret them however you want! But, I did write them to be funny rather than clear, so check out my thoughts below, if you want more guidance.
Safewording
What is says on the tin — having to safeword in a BDSM situation. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s like an official time out to say “whoa I need to stop.” Safewords are important and it’s important to be comfortable using them, but also like. Ideally you’re not gonna use them.
Subdrop
Post scene endorphin crash on the part of a submissive partner in a BDSM situation, but frankly it happens outside of that too 😬 and if you’re not in a BDSM situation your jerk boyfriend might say “hey I have to study now thanks for the BJ” and kick you out of his dorm. For random example.
Topdrop
Similar thing but for the top. Hell just check out the BDSM wiki. This pairs great with that tumblr post about subs talking their tops into doing buckwild shit.
Wardrobe malfunction
Idk maybe the sexy lingerie snapped. Maybe the subtle public play got less subtle because your skirt blew up and now everyone knows you’ve got a fox tail butt plug in. Maybe your edible underwear dissolved.
Furniture break
Breaking the bed always SOUNDS sexy but then you’ve got to fix your fucking bed. Or maybe your ikea table didn’t hold up 400lbs of man meat and now you’ve thrown out your back.
Embarrassing ER trip
This could be the classic “lost a dildo without a flared base up the ass” or you could get into more esoteric objects. Or more esoteric sex related injuries.
Capsaicin problems (hot sauce + head)
You ever cut up hot peppers, not wash your hands, and touch your eye? Same effect. Somebody is eating something spicy and goes down on delicate mucous membranes. Could be hand stuff too I suppose!
Awkward dirty talk
I think this is pretty self explanatory. Not everybody is good at dirty talk — also like, it can be one of those things where you have to be in the mood and have aligned tastes.
Someone called the cops on your scene
Did your subs elaborate kidnapping fantasy get too real for bystanders? Did a concerned neighbor overhear screaming? Idk.
Came too soon
You can recover soooo easily from coming too soon if you have like an ounce of suave in you. But plenty of people don’t! And get embarrassed and leave.
Can't get it up / can't get wet
Opposite problem. Maybe your penis-having pal has whiskey dick. Maybe your vagina-having friend has an undiagnosed case of vaginismus!
Theory was hotter than practice
Maybe you saw that move online and thought it would be soooo cool and sexy but then once you tried it out you were just hanging out in a wizard robe that now has pee on it.
Not enough fiber in your diet
We skip prepping for anal in fiction without consequences, but IRL sometimes you see poop when you don’t necessarily want to see poop. Or this could just be straight up about getting diarrhea and having to make a break for it during sex.
Condom break
We’re y’all not fluid bonded? Oops better move up the STD screens. Do yall need to do a plan B run? Do you have all the pieces of that condom or do you need to go fishing?
Just calling to say I have herpes
It’s pretty common and nothing to be ashamed of, but lbr this conversations going to suck and you might feel ashamed.
Lost the handcuff keys
Handcuffs, soooo sexy. Or manacles. Or whatever. But they have overstayed their welcome and now you’re stuck to the bed.
I can't go to work like this!
But you must! Maybe you’ve got too many hickies to hide, maybe you got an inadvisable sex themed tattoo, maybe you’re still stuck in aforementioned handcuffs.
Leaving mid sex
Sometimes the sex is bad enough that you can break through social protocols telling you to avoid hurting their feelings and remember — you can just leave!
Bodies making funny noises
Queefing! Macaroni sounds! Farting sounds! Somebody has bad gas or is really hungry. Bodies are funny.
That's not lube
Maybe you’ve got too many different things in pump bottles next to each other and accidentally grabbed say, the tea tree oil and put that all over an unsuspecting and sensitive mucous membrane.
Roleplaying into a real argument
Something that was said in a scene landed a little too close to home and now we’re fighting.
Faking orgasms
Sometimes it’s the polite thing to do to move things along, but there’s some baggage here.
I came to do sex not therapy
Maybe your partner keeps trying to psychoanalyze you, or they’re legitimately trying to talk about something that hurt their feelings. Either way, that’s not what you’re here for!
Wish you'd get off the phone
There’s so many distractions in this day and age — yeah you’re getting head, but what if that text was important?
Sex toy over promised & under-delivered
Maybe you spent 1k+ on a sybian and found out you don’t like sybians. Maybe you eagerly started jacking it, ready to try out this new toy and it started smoking. Maybe you just can’t cum with this thing.
That's how you get ants (food in the bedroom)
Food in the bedroom! I hope you thought about clean up. Or made sure you weren’t gonna get a yeast infection.
Bad aim (cum)
Oh great, now there’s cum in your [eye/freshly permed hair/grandmothers antique quilt that you don’t know how to clean]
This [PLACE] is too gross to bang in
You came to hook up, but then you saw what their place looked like…. Yikes…
Porn-based expectations
You can’t go ass to mouth without them getting upset?? Choking isn’t okay without talking about it??? They don’t like being called a slut????? He’s not 12 inches????????
Wrong name
People get really upset if you say like, their siblings name in bed. Or your ex’s. Or their ex’s.
Peeping pets
If you lock the door, the dogs gonna wind up scratching and whining and howling. If you don’t, you’re gonna get a surprise threesome by way of an unexpected wet nose at your ass.
Oops I used to bang your [RELATION]
It’s not ideal for a hookup to have slept with other people in your family, but if your date was fucking like, your mom, that’s maybe worse.
Stop talking about my parents
What, you don’t want to think about your folks while getting off?
Lazy partner
Some people actually prefer this in their partners! But some people don’t.
Mid coitus diagnosis
Finally hooked up with that hot MD and he goes “wow these shouldn’t be different sizes”
Bad aim (dick/dildo)
Actually kind of easy to go for the wrong hole if you’ve got more than one down there! Whoops. Could put someone’s eye out with that thing.
Insurmountable size difference
Maybe your eyes were bigger than your asshole when you ordered that dildo? Or maybe Stuart little shouldn’t be hooking up with Colossus.
Zero chemistry coitus
Sometimes the spark just ain’t there.
Accidental somnophilia
Somnophilia refers to a kink for having sex while one party is asleep or sleepy. Accidental could indicate one party fell asleep mid sex, but hey, some people actually initiate sex in their sleep.
Porn dialogue
Sexy plumber roleplay anyone??? Could relate to bad dirty talk.
Tastes funky
Sometimes bodies taste bad. Sometimes your lube does too.
Bad sex playlist
Straight up inspired by that one reddit post of the guy asking if the music he played was that bad.
Unearned confidence
Really awkward when they come in acting like a sex god and can’t deliver.
Only one of us is taking this scene seriously
You finally talk them into founding fathers roleplay and then they don’t even do a modicum of research :(
Let me google this real quick
Maybe the knotwork on your shibari has gotten out of hand. Maybe you need instructions for the fuck machine. Idk.
Inadvisable lay
There’s a variety of reasons you maybe shouldn’t sleep with someone and do anyways. Maybe you just have to see them on the way to work all the time now and they’re not taking a hint and you know what their weird birthmark looks like now.
Suddenly toe sucking (unexpected/undisclosed kinks)
I’m not kink shaming, I just wasn’t expecting that to go there so suddenly!! Some warning maybe! People have different ideas of what’s a totally normal way for things to go.
[RELATION] walking in on you
Hey people are living with their parents later and later!
Should have kept up on cardio
Sex is actually pretty athletic. This could turn into a medical emergency, or maybe we just need to take a break for gatorade and snacks.
[KINK] logistics are too complicated
Sometimes hanging a sex swing necessitates figuring out where a beam is in your ceiling and also maybe you’re supposed to get permission from your landlord, and —
Orgasm disparity
Somebody is getting off way more than somebody else, and not everyone is happy about it.
Ever feel like your porn is maybe TOO sexy? Think this is the right time to break the sexual tension with some humor? Come join in on our fandom-agnostic Bad Sex Bingo!
That’s right, any fandom can enjoy our prompts for imperfect and regrettable sexual situations.
We’ll be running from February (just in time to regret not breaking up with your SO for valentines!) until an indefinite future point in time.
Check out our pinned post for instructions on how to participate and our FAQ. We’ve got two (2!) beautiful board themes to choose from delivered in fully accessible PDF form to your email! Look at this x-ray of a lightbulb up someone’s ass!
I’m running this thing if any of yall are looking for something to do with your February lol.
…for a given value of “running.” I should have automated everything so I don’t have to touch it, but I’ll be hovering for a week or so to make sure it’s working.
idk why but i keep coming back to ur ryan pricee 😭😭 i mean all of your art is fucking gorgeous psychologically for me this is probably to do with the canon character of it all for me because i love all of the oc art?? hello? those r real guys?? u have such a way with lines shading and colors and . <- person who, despite drawing themselves. does not in fact know how to compliment an artist. it just looks really good. do you u shade on the multiply layer at like 30% opacity ? is it raw? anyway. back to my guy. he looks so 🥺 . it makes me want (rememvers to be normal) him to feel okay on an airplane
Tyyy anon, 💖💖💖💖 we also want Ryan to feel okay on an airplane. And yeah 99% of the time I do my shadows in raw color. If I really fucked something in the beginning sometimes I will use a layer on a blending mode to make some sweeping changes without wiping out my details tho, and I'll sometimes fuck around w blending modes at the end to play with the mood or contrast a bit. I do use multiply for my sketch layer, which is p much always in purple or red.
Unless I'm doing a color palette challenge, I'm usually picking colors from "PS Favs" which are my favs from the default color palette from photoshop, which I started drawing digitally with a decade or so ago. You can see me using the pale purple, teal, pink, and orange a lot in my work straight onto the canvas, but I also will adjust stuff in the big circle if I want something darker or greyer or whatever.
I usually do a couple flat layers with the major areas of color (like, I did Ryan's hair + undershirt on one layer, his skin + jacket on another, and then his sweater got his own layer. Then I'll start to put down wonkier colors once I've locked the opacity so I don't go all over the place. Once I got basics there and I've started to feel like my sketch is getting in the way I'll start painting overtop of everything. I will usually keep this to one layer until I start feeling like I'm doing something risky, or there's some detail I don't want to risk painting over, then I might start another and eventually merge it down.
If you're wondering what's going on with layer 27 there, that's generational talent FNAME LNAME, who is on all my card templates. His number is #22 and he plays left wing for TEAM
Two in one process video of one of the pics I made for @luulapants tennis club fic, and one unposted that I might or might not include somewhere at some point. The steak photo was mine and the drink photo was one @ladyhoneydarlinglove took while we were on vacation together uwu
One more batch of trading cards for @luulapants the tennis club tonight, to celebrate the BRAND NEW CHARACTER GUIDE/APPENDIX please check it out it looks dope as hell imho. Still got some cards to finish.
I've been calling this the baby batch because it's all the rookies lol. Also!
....who's that pokémon style for a guy well meet in a week or two:
I’m making trading cards for @luulapants’ fic (The Tennis Club) to help keep track of what all these OCs look like. Right now I’m dumping them in the related work, but they’ll get added to the appendix on the main fic eventually.
And here’s the process video for the second cover I did for @themauvesoul’s series.
Same caveats apply as usual eg flashing layers, no sound, sometimes looks like I’m doin nothing bc I’m shading individual diamonds in a fuckass championship ring etc.
Also this has a little bit of the same footage as the other one bc I started them on the same canvas before splitting them.
Oh and here’s the 3d warehouse link for Madison square garden which I used for ref
Process video from my first cover for @themauvesoul’s series.
This is a direct export of what procreate automatically generates as your working and I didn’t do editing except to speed it up so it’d fit on tumblr so:
There’s a lot of flashing lights as I toggle the same layers fifty times in a row
Sometimes it looks like nothing is happening bc I’m working on something super zoomed in and the video is lower resolution than I worked at
areudirty
yousharknotpass
kianamaiart
pixelskylines
andulkaphoto
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