modern meditations

a collection of my thoughts on random contemporary ideas & topics. 24🏳️‍⚧️ F

[modern-meditations]

i’d like to make this pinned post to put into words how i see myself both objectively and subjectively, as to give a good point of reference for my own frame of mind, so that when i make points in the future they’re misunderstood as little as possible. as of the publishing of this blog at 7:20pm EST at 8/11/2024, i am a 22 year old (hopefully) pre-transition transgendered woman. i have a full time labor-oriented career with a strong union that offers me wonderful benefits. i live in the United States of America in a rather conservative state in a rather conservative rural area. i am (in my own mind) incredibly progressive in my politics, being as far left as they come. i am an undiagnosed autistic, severely depressed, heavily considering returning to self-harm and have been considering suicide as a way out more and more in recent weeks. i don’t think i’ll ever commit suicide though, because i’m far too afraid of what lies beyond. i am not a religious person by any means and have always relied greatly on facts, logic & reasoning to make my decisions. my choice to remain anonymous in name alone is twofold: i want my points understood on a deeper level than full anonymity allows and i want to be able to fully express my opinions & share my stories & views without ever involving the real people with which they are associated. i have chosen tumblr for this particular blog because the platform allows for meaningful long-form posting of sometimes sensitive topics that is unbroken in a way that a twitter or a facebook doesn’t allow for.

[modern-meditations]

i got kicked out of my little local band about a month ago & it’s really been tearing me up inside. i don’t understand how my one bad night turned into my exodus via a discord call from someone i considered a friend but now haven’t spoken to since. i’m far from the only one who has had bad nights in the nearly 5 years we’d spent playing music together, but for some reason mine was the tipping point. whole new direction, a whole new member, a whole new set of shows, all new band photos, all new sets of songs to play (something i’d been secretly hoping for for roughly 2.5 years), all because of my one bad night.

i’m not stupid, i know there’s other factors at play (the other guitarists now open marriage with another couple, one of whom is the new band member previously mentioned, the singer starting a new career & feeling inadequate in the face of the struggling economy, the drummer who was on his second child & was so busy he couldn’t even show up to practices anymore, the bassist who was soon to be married and working on his house, and finally the other singer who’d been on his 3rd bad relationship since i’d met him & lost his house due to drinking himself into a stupor at the bar he now works at & lives above) but it felt so Targeted at me. maybe i really did suck. the show we played that night was rough, but we had a replacement drummer, played a new song & had a whole myriad of technical issues that were beyond our control. so why me? was it because i just wasn’t there until 2am like the rest? because i’d already been having a bad day & just wanted to go home?

since i started writing this post (i left it alone in my phone for about a week or two) i also recently cut all communication with my mother. it’s been a really weird feeling because on one hand, i finally feel so free from her grasp. the grasp that i thought would never let me go, the grasp that was forever coated in a veneer of “worry” and “care”, when in reality all she ever did was do whatever she could to put me down, control me financially and scream at me whenever i didn’t tow the line. she almost kicked me out of the house 3 months before i graduated high school, and to this day the only reason i believe she didn’t is because she knew she’d lose all control. shortly after that, she stole nearly $5,000 in savings i had from a bank account and proceeded to start “charging” me for car insurance off that $5,000 as a way to “pay me back” and would send me a picture of piece of paper with a running tally every month, showing how thoughtful she was while she robbed me blind. i thought this was normal. when i came back from college after realizing it wasn’t for me, i was charged rent to live in my childhood bedroom. one night i got a call from her at around 2 or 3am to come pick her up from the bar. on the way home, she proceeded to drunkenly tell me that having me at 22 nearly ruined her life. we never talked about it again.

i don’t know how to cope with these feelings. i don’t know what to do with the pain and the anger and the sadness that just wells up inside me now. i don’t know where to put these feelings now that i’m not a little kid hiding in my bedroom from mom & her boyfriend of the year in one of their screaming matches. i don’t know where to put these feelings now that i own my own home & live with my partner. i don’t know where to put these feelings now that i’ve never felt less like myself. why did i feel more like me curled up in a ball in my bed trying to drown out a drunken argument coming through the floor than when i lay silently in bed with someone who loves me deeply?

[modern-meditations]

cw - suicide, self harm, cutting, bulimia, disordered eating, death

i’ve been thinking about death a lot these days. i don’t really understand why or if i’m even suicidal. i’ve definitely been more depressed in the past, i used to self harm via cutting & mild bulimia before but i worked my way out of that. i always figured that if it got bad enough again i’d be able to use self harm as a touchstone to drag myself back to reality instead of living with the insanity & the pain. but i didn’t even have that urge this time. i just feel like maybe i should be dead. not even that i necessarily want to take my own life. it just feels so wrong to be alive & it feels like everyone & everything around me would be just a little nicer & a little better if i were gone. i feel so out of place. i always feel like a stranger no matter where i am. sitting on the furniture talking to my grandparents about family stories, i feel more like a strange piece of furniture than a person in the conversation. i feel more like the spare tire than i do the driver of my own car. i don’t know how to feel right. i don’t understand it.