Well, I didn't imagine I would stay away for so long, but I needed time. See, I'm quite used to love something to the extreme, and fandom spaces is perhaps where, in the past, I tend to pour my need for hyper fixation.
After a while, I recognize I called this passion, but it was mostly me going all in as a reaction. As I said before, I want to stop this cycle. At the same time, I don't want to detach completely from fandom spaces.
So, I will try moving forward in a way that helps me to stay without burning myself every few months. What I want to do is taking my time and go in depths about Bridgerton and my other fandoms, and about desire, intensity and love.
I've planned a series of essays that connects all of these themes into a pattern. If you stick around, I'm most grateful for it, as always.
As a note for the readers and those interested, I've planned the themese but quite literally nothing else. I don't know when I'll write and I don't want to pressure myself into it.
Beside this, I'm curious about y'all. How is it going? Feel welcome to chat with me at anytime!
The drop I had after the last one was quite a lot.
I have talked about this already before (the idea that by the end of the season we are so charged after a month of edging that we do experience a sort of drop) but this time I refuse to engage in that.
Not that there is something wrong with that, to be fair. It's just that it doesn't make me feel nice and as much as I can do aftercare by myself, I just don't want to do it this time.
I want to go a bit slow. I watched the 5th one (I loved it) and then I felt the impulse of starting the 6th but I stopped. Went to do another task, eventually made dinner.
Now maybe some videos and then the 6th. So not excessively slow but a bit of a different pace. And I find that this means I enjoy it more than if I had binged.
I can appreciate the nuances, the long episodes, I can think in between episodes and re engage with the world. I've say it before and I'll say it again. Maybe the idea of binging is nice on theory and not quite so nice in practice...
I'm engaging in delayed gratification or edging if you want to call it like that and I'm hoping to watch it in at least two days (but I don't make promises I don't know I can keep)
Or... what most people get wrong about kink (an essay)
I could be very short with this, and just say the word "spectrum" but let's elaborate a bit more, shall we?
First a bit of context: Shane Hollander is a character in the new show "Heated Rivalry", based on a series of books written by Rachel Reid. The book and the show are about the love story of two hockey players (who are also queer). I watched the show. It's good. Go watch it. The spice and the yearn is out of chart.
Since I've been watching the show I've seen countless content saying that Shane has brought vanilla back.
Allow me to disagree. The man is as kinky as it gets, bless his heart.
In this specific case, Shane and Ilya (Shane's love interest) do practice some form of kink: specifically, there is a beautiful undercurrent of sub/Dom dynamics that adds to the spiciness.
So, why do many people say the opposite? Are they watching another show?
You see, the thing most people get wrong about kink is to think that kink equals whips and chains. And while that is definitely part of the kink community, the absence of those elements does not relate to the absence of kink.
Like most things, kinkness exists in a spectrum where very few people are either 0 or 100. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle. And it goes the same way with characters. Hollander is not definitely a 100, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have some part of it in him.
Moreover, I think some see him being shy and tender and correlate that with vanilla. The man is just at the beginning of his sexual exploration, let him cook (as the kids say these days).
Shane is also autistic (as confirmed multiple times). Like kinkness, autism exists on a spectrum. And also, let me tell you, the Venn diagram of kink people and autistic people is more similar to a circle than anything else.
There is something about the Dom/Sub dynamics (in both roles) that most autistic people I know find interesting. Structure, knowing who is in control and who is not, but also being able to play with that element... Those are all things that get translated in kink, on various levels.
I feel, and this is definitely my opinion, that some people equal vanilla to boring and kink to exciting. In reality, at least for me as a kinky person, vanilla and kink can both exist in the same relationship and they both might be boring or exciting.
That's the beauty of a spectrum. Me, other kink people, and kink characters get to be and are able to express themselves in more than one way. And when people and characters get to be multifaceted, that's where great art exists.
Shane Hollander, like many characters (Colin Bridgerton, Buffy Summers, Dean Winchester, just to name a few), is not vanilla or kinky. Like many people, he is also not just one thing.
Anyone from Auckland? One of my besties just moved there 3 days ago and it's looking for new friends!
She loves Bridgerton, the summer I turned pretty, Merlin and many other fandoms. Honestly one of the beautiful soul I have the privilege to call family.
I've thought about this post for a long time before writing it and in the end I decided that since being vulnerable is something I'm trying to do daily... Let's make it my daily exercise.
You have surely notice that I don't post that much or when I post rarely it's about Polin. I've told before that I identify a lot with Pen - my own Colin someone I still love to this day even though he probably has forgotten about me.
See, the thing is that while I know he will always have a part of my heart, I also can't wait around. I have a beautiful life that I enjoy most days and I have big plans and things I want to do, with or without him. I also believe we don't have just one soulmate, but more than one. And as much as he could be one of those, who know how many are out there if I look for them.
So, with the help of people around me and my therapist and also with the believe that the universe will deliver when it's met with openness and confidence, I've started to distant myself from him - when I think about him I just notice and then try to imagine that with other people that will met me and stay and care as much as I do. People who can love me as much as I love them.
This matters to my writing because reading and writing most Poling Fics feeds the very thing I'm trying to distance myself from. It's a bit dramatic but it's like stabbing myself hoping that instead of hurt it will heal me. It doesn't. So I don't. Or at least try and do something else. (It's not a problem I have with Poling only, I do have a type and it's not working anymore if I want to overcome this).
So... More Polin content from me? It's possible, but I have to figure out a way that's healthy for me to do it. I will watch the new season of Bridgerton and I'm excited to talk about Benedict. I'm still very much here - in this fandom space I love - but I also have to think with intentions because my dreams requires me to be full present.
So, that's it. I hope you understand.
And this is definitely not a goodbye, not at all. But new things are coming and if you want to stick around for the journey, then I'm more than happy to have you on board.
