Sweet Sunshine🔅

let's blend and create a color they've never seen before

[mol-d-samich]

smoking

I’ve been smoking for almost two years now and I absolutely hate it now - several things actually:

Today is the last day I smoke because I’m absolutely disgusted by it now.

I don't know why I felt I couldn't control myself tonight any longer from smoking and so i felt like i wanted to search on how to quit smoking instantly but that obviously isn’t going to work with me properly,

so what i decided to try to do was to smoke as much as possible until i am absolutely appalled by it and it actually worked.

i overdosed and ended up vomiting after drinking a lot of water and feeling thirsty 

and i did what I've been having the impulse to do for a long-ass fucking time - which is to rip up all the cigarettes 

and i did 

all five fucking packs and what's in them and it felt absolutely phenomenal

i felt fucking free

that nothing can control me

i finally did what i wanted to do

and i won

this is no fucking battle

its not me or the cigarette

there's no fucking question about it

i win either fucking way

i threw up and the first thing that occurred to me was “what do you think chemo would be like?”

and i fucking felt absolutely so free

something i recently realized after a bad breakup was that my instinctive coping mechanism is to try and refrain from thinking about anything that is corelated to an incident or a particular time-frame which hurt me

and i realized that in order for me to quit smoking, i had to correlate smoking to a bad memory, ie my final memory of smoking should be terrible and fuck do i smell bad because of the vomit

but i don't fucking care

anyway, when i ripped up all the cigarettes, i looked inside the trash-bin i realized wow that's a fuckton of smokes

i would've smoked those in three or four days tops, imagine how big the pile would be if it were an entire week, a month, a year, two years, or fucking twenty.

fuck that

im done

peace out

[mol-d-samich]

i withdraw from myself when talking with him

i dont feel like myself or rather i dont feel like th person i always have been in the sense that there is this passionate part of me that was concealed from a young age.

i dont know if it was ever there and appeared but my expression of love and passion has always taken an aggressive form because that has always been by instinct my defensive nature

with him i show what i am

i am holding back

oh so much

because all that i genuinely feel is very new to me that i only thought would be towards a child of my own but not to another of which i would feel is my equal

children are my equal but an equal that needs that part of me thats becoming a revelation i never knew was hidden so intensely

i do understand im vehement

but i never comprehended it until now as to how

have i been hurting myself too much or just protecting myself? or is the child in me thats still there what im protecting oh so much

i think thats what it is

im not protecting myself, im protecting myself as a child

so aggressively that im hurting her; the same way a mother would hurt her child in depriving them from the pleasures of life

may your bending in the archers hand be for gladness 

for even as he loves the arrow that flies he loves the bow that is stable

he didnt only mean our biological parents as well

[mol-d-samich]

tonight i told him some of the things i had written down because of the things he said

he just dedicated a song for me

i told him i cant bear talking for the night

he mentioned me on the video so id lighten up

I'm crying because i dont understand why i feel how i feel and its scaring me

what else could i possibly do so irrationally

[mol-d-samich]

I’m falling in love with him. He’s 10 years older than me.

I don’t know if I’m falling in love with him or his soul. I love the way he makes me feel and is different than all the other guys or even people I've ever met. He exudes calmness and serenity and he’s just self satisfied.

Boys have written me poetry and songs

they’ve dreamt of me

said they wanted me so bad and begged to be with me or have me

no matter whatever they said or say

I have never in my life swooned so hard

he makes me feel happy, giddy with delight, and excited about life

I feel like his music speaks to me and my soul. he’s fluent in a language that I cant speak. he translates for me but some things get lost in translation and I cant bear the heaviness of understanding myself but falling short. I feel helpless at the arms of his music and the trance they put me in. I’m unaware at this point if my feelings exude because of the music itself or because I know it’s his music.

it’s clear were never going to be together because I'm not a free spirit. I would hinder him and his growth. I might be a hazy view in front of his eyes. I wish my soul was as free as his. He made me realize that I’m a captive of my now unsolicited future.

I didn't know at first if I was falling for his music or for him. but had it been his music I would’ve been craving that much more and I wouldn't've swooned at his linguistic expression. everything about him is igniting a fire inside of me (as cheesy as it sounds)in a way I've never felt before. I could just think of him kissing me so passionately and I would feel the cold air blowing into the pit of my stomach. I would imagine us holding and caressing each other to no end and I would start encircling my arms around my own body because of how immersed I am in those thoughts.

since I know were never going to be together, then am I putting my education and self awareness to the side this while for someone that won’t be in my life the way I want him to be?

because I’ve never felt this way before; and I made a promise to myself to allow even the smallest ounces of experiences to enrich my life. I’m never going to feel this way again. I know I won’t. I don’t know if he feels the same towards me. I doubt that. I am emotionally and physically drawn to him in a away I’ll never feel again; but he might just love the way I make him feel or the attention I’m giving him. Because I still cant wrap my head around someone as him giving all that kind of attention to me.

I'm going to tell him all of this one day but I don't know when

and until that time comes, ill try to understand how the girl I've always known is so in love.

the way some have a summer fling

he’s my winter love

[mol-d-samich]

I’m feeling like an adult today as I’ve started my masters degree. I purposefully named the folder with my uni contents “Masters” just to motivate me. This is my life now; and there’s no reason to keep on moping and feeling dejected. This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life and I’m not going to et my moping get in the way.

I’m a masters student. I’m studying for my masters. 

I’m loving those words.

I’m falling in love with life all over again.

[mol-d-samich]

MGMT - Little Dark Age

[mol-d-samich]

first

there are thoughts and realizations that are occurring to be vivid in my mind all too much for my mental wellbeing

i feel like i need to vocalize my thoughts in a place where i feel its seen yet not seen at all

knowing that no one on this blog knows who i am yet i am heard is the therapy ive never sought in a stranger yet craved

its the idea that i need to vocalize and comprehend my thoughts and feel like theyre not being thrown into an abyss never to return again, neither into my thoughts on anyone else’s

[ehlockscreens]

It’s spring time!!

•

Like or reblog if you save x

[thehistory]

The rich smell of coffee, speaking in code, not being able to put a book down, candelabras in long hallways, pushing your glasses up over and over, notes and poetry covering your walls.

[iraffiruse]

[flirtytwink]

I’m gonna need sources on this

[musashi]

6 am and this tweet just made me laugh so hard i choked on my coffee and started sobbing

[chroniclesofpanem]

i need to stop imagining scenarios in my head that have a -2% chance of actually happening it’s becoming a problem

[darkacademiclady]

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

- Ernest Hemingway

[grxnite-deactivated20251225]

forget nudes, send me pictures of your bare collarbones, your hands ungloved and gently caressing your neck, mayhaps lace or a family heirloom to add some spice

[uglybeautifulthings]

You get caught in the rain and seek shelter in a gothic mansion

The master of the house is suspiciously quiet, and offers you a place to dry off by the fire, and a cup of tea, which he makes himself. There are no staff, which seems odd for such a fancy house.

The tea has an unfamiliar aftertaste, odd but captivating.

You are shown to a large bedroom where branches tap on the window panes and heavy blankets cover the four poster bed. The mirrors are covered and the air smells of cinnamon.

As the night wears on and your candle begins to burn low, you find yourself distracted by the large worn chest at the foot of your bed. Inside it you find letters, written in a beautiful script and signed by someone named Rose. The letters recount a tragic romance by the seaside, with details of passionate confessions and scandalous meetings.

You awake the next morning to an empty house. The fires have gone cold, and cobwebs grow in the corners. The whole place seems to have lost the glittering magic it held last night.

[princesskuragina]

i remember being like thirteen and getting so angry when someone insulted or even expressed a differing opinion about a piece of media i enjoyed. i felt the need to defend my interests to the death and it seemed like a personal attack that someone would dislike something that had brought me joy. what i’m trying to say is i am SO glad i’m over that bullshit and i hope all of you grow out of it too.

[of-foolish-and-wise]

by _wanderlustandwhiskey