Momma K's Life @mommak607 - Tumblr Blog

Everything I think, is wrong.

Everytime I think I understand, I don't.

When I feel comfortable, the rug is pulled.

What is the point anymore.

I found out I DO have friends. Real ones 🥹 a boyfriend and girl friend who gave me time to be talked off a cliff . At least it's a silver lining... A friend that actually loves me for me... Till 4am they listened to me sob and hate myself and just did not know what to do. I was given compliments I didn't know how to take... I hope I never ruin this blessing. To Ed and Leslie ... You saved my life and I love you both more than I can explain without sounding like I want a relationship with y'all's 💖 thank you. Thank you for making me feel wanted and important..

Years of being shut out by the only person I love... It's taken a toll. Many hateful mean things were said, and called the truth. Imagine your husband says he's never been happy since we got married in 2009. You pour your heart out about needing time to heal and trust and the response was how fucking long. Like you repeatedly left me for others, am I somehow not worthy of a healing period? No. Ig not. I'm hopeless. So sad and so ready to just be done with everything. I'm such a bad person when I don't mean to be.

"look at how big Storm got!" ... "He's not coming back is he?!" Echoes..

How do you not understand? The years and years I put into a Child I LOVE. A child that despite her horrible choices, I cared for. I never gave up... Even from afar.. I only hope for betterment and change.. a chance at a real life... No the child is not legally mine, but I don't need paper to tell me who I love and care for. CPS placed her with me bc even they could see that... When she had a baby I put every bit of my love into him too.. for years I raised him... I held him at night when he was screaming bc his little belly hurt... For years I rocked him to Rema's calm down and when he started learning his words... He sang along... He called me grandma and I called him my little Stormie. Jehovah granted me the time with him, it was a gift, and his mom despite everything I would choose over and over again to try. EVERYONE deserves love. I'm so blessed to have soooo many kids call me mom and I will claim every one of them until I die.

There sitting at the Chinese buffet... Those words echoing in my head... I sobbed. Thank God they walked away. Only my daughter saw... she was upset too... I'm adopted ... How can two who chose my brother and I all those years ago be so cold so callous... How can they not understand just what they both mean to me? I will forever carry a broken heart that yearns for understanding until the day they realize... Even though I know that day will probably never come.....

#foster #family #sad #hurt #I'm adopted #why don't you understand

warriorgoddesswriting

Why Do You Hide?

“Why do you hide your illness?”

Maybe it’s because people don’t even believe me when I tell them I’m sick.

Maybe it’s because I can feel people become uncomfortable when I talk about it.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired of having to disclose extremely personal medical information to random people.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had doctors doubt me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had people I love doubt me.

Maybe it’s because I’m looked down upon when I need help.

Maybe it’s because of all of the times it’s been implied that I’m just not trying hard enough to get better.

Maybe it’s because it’s easier to pretend I’m okay than it is to explain that I am in fact in pain this very minute even though I’m out of the house because if I didn’t do anything every time I was in pain I would literally never do anything because I am in pain every minute of every day.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had my sanity questioned when I try to open up.

Maybe it’s because I’m terrified of the harassment I would face if I identified myself as disabled.

Maybe it’s because I know you’ll never understand unless you experience it (and I would never want you to).

Maybe it’s because I’m so freaking sick of hearing the judgment in healthy people’s voices.

Maybe it’s because society has made me feel that disabled people are lesser than able-bodied people.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel important enough for anyone to care.

Maybe it’s because I feel like nobody would want to be around me if they knew how bad things really are.

More historical fun at the Heritage Museum and Browntown Schoolhouse

Amazing day with amazing friends

mybeautifulchristianjourney

redeemed-renewed-restored

jesustureinas

wiirocku

Micah 7:8 (KJV) - Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me.

Feeble attempt at and update.

I am such a slacker. I finally found my old log in and contact stuff for this blog. It's been years and things are soooo different. Still live in the house we bought in 2012... still adore that house. My husband has come to his senses and is attempting to re-acclimate to married life with two kids. It had been an adventure to say the least. I would call my general attitude about the whole thing "cautiously optimistic" I want to believe this is it, he will stay, things will be good, I want so BADLY to believe that. I howver, keep reminding myself with mental illness you never know what a person will say or do so it's still in the air.

I went through a dark dark depressive year, it was horrible. Full of reckless decisions, failed relationships and eventual concession to the fact that no one will be as good as my husband and I compare everyone to him. No wonder nothing ever worked. I spent two years alone and it was FANTASTIC like let me tell you guys, you don't need a man! Being able to take over my entire king size bed was amazing... and I didn't have to feel bad about my lil man sleeping next to me bc he wasn't taking anyone else's spot. Life is a period of perpetual adjustment.

We have court today to deal with all the child support drama. When he moved back here he left his 180k a year job for this $23 an hour job, to which he says, "I wanted to be near the kids Karin." cool. Leaves me wondering if I am an actual factor or if its a well I gotta deal with her to be near them. Who really knows. Cautiously optimistic. More optimism than caution.

Other news, Tessa just had a little baby boy in October. His name is Storm. (Such a hippie name, probably my fault lol) He is so sweet. Tess made some bad decisions involving criminal sale of drugs, it caught up with her and she is an inmate at Bedford Hills Correctional. They have an amazing program where the mother can keep the baby with her for up to 18 months. She struggles so, it hurts to know I can't do anything to help her through this. She is so tired and so overwhelmed. I had my mom to help for the first week. I probably would have lost it were it not for her. I want nothing but good things for her. Everyone is so fast to judge the actions of a teenager, actions that most teenagers do regardless of their families. I made very very bad decisions as a teenager, like whoa, drugs, sex, drugs, more drugs.. etc wasn't good. The one difference is I never sold and I never got caught. How can I condemn a person for the same bad decisions I made? I CAN'T and no one else has any right. People can change and make better decisions. The past matters not but what you do with your future is what matters most. God knows, he knows what is in your heart and he will keep those seeking him safe.