A/N: surprise, i’m alive!! i made a promise to finish this and my goodness i will! note continued at end.
For a moment, Nicholas froze.
It was a fair reaction, since you’d literally just told him you don’t have to be married anymore, legally speaking.
You felt positively sick. You waited for his reaction, still shaking a little.
“What do you mean, we don’t ‘have to’ be?” he asked, his face paling but otherwise unreadable.
You cleared your throat slightly. “I mean, it says in the contract that once the merger is complete, we-” you paused; it was tricky to say it nicely. “We can file for divorce and it won’t effect business in any way.” you said. “I mean, the premise of the union was investment in the merger. So I suppose now that investment has-”
“Divorce?” Nicholas interrupted. You realised you’d been rambling on.
“Yes.” you replied quietly. Nicholas hadn’t moved an inch; the table was still between you after he’d walked into the room and now felt like an impenetrable barrier. He refused to meet your eyes, looking instead to the contract.
“Are you sure?” he continued to avoid eye contact. You nodded. “Did you know about this before?”
The question took you by surprise because it made you think he might suspect you of lying to him. You shook your head quickly.
“Of course not.” you said earnestly. “I just found out.”
“Then you’re just as confused as I am.” he finally looked up. You found his gaze has hardened; you suspected he didn’t believe that you had just found out.
“I swear, I had no idea, Nico.” you affirmed. He nodded but didn’t say anything for a while.
You could feel your pulse in your ears in the moment of silence. It was horrible and deafening.
“We should talk about this tomorrow. It’s late now. Goodnight.” Nicholas decided and didn’t wait for a response before walking out of the room.
You were speechless.
You’d never seen Nicholas act so icy, not toward anyone or especially to you.
You hadn’t had a moment to process the information, not really, but you had so many questions - all that stuff that Jay told you about - you had to confront Nico about it. What if he did know about it? Did that mean he was lying to you the whole time?
You thought about going after him but you decided it’s better to wait for him to come to you.
You’d never seen this side of Nico and you had no idea how to approach it.
Right now you had too many questions and no answers.
You needed help and you knew where to get it.
*
The next morning made last night feel like a fever dream.
You woke up groggy and unaware of what’s happening and realised it’s a goddamn Monday.
You groaned and checked the time. Three minutes before your alarm.
“Whatever.” you whispered to yourself.
You lay there for a moment, thinking about everything that happened yesterday. Had that been real? Then you stressed about how you might confront Nicholas. Maybe he was waiting for you to talk over coffee or something. That would be a best case scenario.
When you finally got up and wandered out into the hall, you noticed Nico’s door was open and the apartment was utterly silent. You padded to the kitchen and living room and confirmed that your husband was in fact not there.
Nicholas up this early? Weird. Nicholas already out of the house at this hour? Cause for concern.
It was obvious he was avoiding you and as much as you could understand the sentiment because your were freaked out too, it hurt immensely. Did this mean he was seriously considering the possibility of divorcing you?
Why wouldn’t he?
The whole basis of your marriage was a business arrangement, it’s not his fault you fell in love with him - especially when you hadn’t even told him that, you weren’t sure you could be mad at his reaction.
You had your own thoughts to sort out and he had his.
Giving each other space might be the best and yet all you felt was that you needed to find out what Nico was thinking. You supposed it was a symptom of being married to someone for a year - you factor them in to your life eventually.
You hoped he wasn’t as out of his mind as you were, then again, he was never the type to overshare anything bothering him. Neither were you.
You decided that you would give the both of you time to process. In the meanwhile, you had a whole day of important meetings to get to.
After the morning rush of briefings and subsequent project meetings, you made your way up to the rooftop of the office building. It had been sunny but the weather had become indecisive, the seas of clouds weaving between each other, blocking and unblocking the sun.
You kept your sunglasses perched on your head and the black leather folder in your hand.
The scrape of the chair signified your arrival and your uncle turned to greet you.
“Hello, my dear.” he said. His eyes flitted to the folder you deposited on the table between you. It was just an inch off of pushing his coffee over. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Betrayal.” you clasped your hands together.
Your uncle didn’t miss a beat.
“Well, do you feel betrayed?” he asked. You weren’t sure he knew what you were referring to. You hadn’t said anything.
“Actually, yes. A little,” you said. “When were you going to tell me about the divorce clause?”
“It depends.” the old man replied strategically. It was the most important phrase in a lawyer’s arsenal. You shook your head.
“Don’t get cute, Uncle.” you said bitterly. “I’m not in the mood.”
“I’m sorry, my dear.” he conceded immediately. You read the guilt across his features and it made you feel bad in turn. “I really didn’t think you’d need to discuss it.”
“It was in the contract the whole time. It’s my own fault I didn’t figure it out.” you said. The sunlight was suddenly intense so you reached for your glasses, pulling them down to your eyes.
“I do think you should have but I don’t blame you. It was purposely difficult to spot.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I was sort of preoccupied by being blindsided at the time to notice.” you retorted. “But why did you put it in there? I thought you sold me out like everyone else.”
“Of course I didn’t sell you out.” he said gently. “I put the clause in there as a safety net. An insurance. I wanted to ensure your freedom, my dear. Not just from the Wangs, but from your own family.” your uncle explained.
You closed your eyes for a heartbeat.
You were relieved to find out that at least your uncle cared about you, even if your parents didn’t.
“So why didn’t you mention it?” you asked. Some of the tension was leaving your body. It was getting easier to swallow this pill.
“I wanted to and I was looking for the right time, but then I saw how happy you were with Nicholas and I couldn’t bring myself to.” your uncle told you.
You mulled it over for a moment.
“I was happy, I guess.” you said, looking down at the folder. “I mean I am, weirdly. Maybe not anymore because now everything’s so messed up. Well, more messed up.” you added.
“Did you tell Nicholas?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“We haven’t spoken about it.” you confessed.
“Then why are you sitting here speaking to me about it?” your uncle exclaimed. “The only person you should be talking to right now is your husband.”
“I have no idea what to say to him, Uncle. I’m at a loss for words.” you sighed. “I know it wasn’t a ‘real’ relationship but I think I love him. What am I supposed to do if he wants a divorce?”
“My dear, it’s real if it’s real to you. The only way to find out is to talk to him.” he reminded you. “Nicholas is a good boy, he’ll hear you out.”
“You like him too, don’t you?” you chuckled.
“Well, yes. You know, I actually met Nicholas before your parents did.” he said. Your mouth opened involuntarily. This was definitely news to you. “That’s right. I thought you would like him so I let your parents proceed with their plans.”
You almost scoffed. “Is there anything else you’d like to share that I should know?”
“I suppose I should give you the entire picture now.” your uncle took a sip of his coffee. “The reason the Wangs accepted your parents’ proposal was because they had had an internal problem. One of their biggest and most loyal investors left and there was talk of revolt amongst the shareholders and such. The Wangs were looking for a tactical smooth-over and they sure grabbed at the opportunity when it came along.”
You took a moment to understand; this matched with the intel you’d gotten from Jay. The only question remained was Nico’s knowledge of the situation.
“My parents are always first to sniff out a weakness.” you lamented. You hated that you came from such ruthless people, yet, it was what your whole lives were built upon. Your family business. Your family reputation. Your family name.
“As I said, I gave them the green light. For how manipulative they are, my dear, they are also very easily manipulated; I could have stopped them cold in their tracks if I told them it wasn’t beneficial for us too.”
“I suppose I have you to thank then. Or blame.” you shrugged.
“I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not a matchmaker.” your uncle raised his hands in defeat.
“The jury’s still out on that one.” you said. You hesitated for a moment but asked anyway. “Do you think my parents would hate me if we split?”
“Don’t think about your parents. Think about your husband and yourself. Your relationship has been meddled with enough.”
You nodded. “Thank you,” you said. “For the net. And the advice.”
***
The meeting after your lunch break was a quick departmental check-in and it finished early. Everyone was busy and didn’t feel like wasting time on something that could have been an email. That meant that you had an entire hour before the executive meeting scheduled for the afternoon. All the higher-ups were coming and of course you and Nicholas.
You realised that this would be the first time you saw Nicholas since last night. It sent a tingle of nerves to your stomach. Would he bring it up now or would he wait until you got home to discuss it? You didn’t want to keep wondering because you would drive yourself crazy, but all you could think about was Nicholas.
The hour went by agonisingly slowly because you couldn’t focus on doing anything remotely productive. Your mind was scattered; every other thought was about Nicholas or about your marriage. You couldn’t go on like this so you decided to distract yourself.
You had been planning to leave early for the meeting but got lost in a mean game of Scrabble against the computer and ended up over-dicking-around and losing track of the time. As you speed-walked to the meeting you were glad that at least you had won the game. It had worked its competitive magic on your brain.
Until you were sucked back into the blackhole of your life.
On your way to the meeting, some colleague grabbed your attention and started talking to you about one of the upcoming contracts you were attempting to secure. You were trying to pay attention and reply comprehensively but you arrived at the destination.
“…and it shouldn’t be a problem to get in touch with their suppliers to fact check the last section of the contract…” you trailed off, mind going blank.
There was a crowd of people trickling into the meeting room but you stopped when you saw Nicholas amongst them. Your husband was hard to miss; he stuck out in the sea of bobbing heads because of his impressive height. You watched him for a moment, handsome and charming as he greeted someone or other and flashed a smile. You felt a pang of jealousy. It seemed to come so naturally to him but you usually struggled to put on a ‘nice’ facade.
“YN?” your colleague prompted, curious eyes inquiring after you.
For a split-second you considered leaving.
You didn’t trust yourself to put on a brave face right now.
And suddenly the thought lay anchor in your head and you knew in your gut that even if you fought against it, you were going to do it anyway.
“Sorry, would you excuse me? I forgot something.” you mumbled and left back the way you came.
The possibility of what might happen if the two of you interacted right now crashed over you and you panicked.
The meeting would go on without you.
You didn’t stop when you were in the safety of your office. You did a sweep, throwing your phone, keys and other essentials in your bag, then exited just as swiftly as you had come in. Now you were running on pure impulse.
It was a minute before you were starting your car engine. Another minute until you were out of the underground employee parking. And another until you almost drove through a red light.
The city slowly faded to suburbs and then changed to a highway, but you kept driving.
Your phone rang after about an hour but you were still on the highway. You guessed who it was. You should have turned it off.
Another hour later you entered a small seaside town and found a proportionately sized inn to stay the night. You were so glad you kept some random clothes in your trunk. The lady at the desk seemed a little surprised when you walked in in your utterly corporate attire and asked for a room.
There was plenty of rooms despite it being tourist season. You found yourself in a neat little bedroom with pastel green floral wallpaper, an old wooden vanity and a double bed that looked like it had been carved up two centuries ago. The bathroom at least resembled something out of the twenty first century.
Once you showered and changed, you lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Your phone started its next round of vibration and you held it up.
Nicholas.
You contemplated picking up, but before you could make up your mind, the ringing stopped.
It didn’t ring again.
He had now called five times.
You sank further into the mattress. You felt like shit. For once you hadn’t thought about the consequences of your actions and weren’t going to entertain them until tomorrow. You put the world on hold and left the room.
The lady at the reception desk told you there was an outdoor barbecue restaurant just down the street near the shore if you were hungry so you said thank and you wandered out. You hadn’t really eaten properly all day so the suggestion was welcome.
The smoke of the grill was rising high up, imitating a signal fire in case anyone happened to pass by.
A flare for lost souls.
How appropriate.
The auntie running the restaurant greeted you as you came closer and sat down in one of the many empty tables. The restaurant consisted of some tables, chairs, umbrellas and a large grill. There was a food truck parked to one side and you guessed that’s where the food was stored and you could see a sink through one of its open doors.
Alright enough, you guessed.
You looked at the short menu handed to you, finding yourself thinking about what Nicholas would order if he was with you. You sighed.
You ordered soju with your food, knowing that you were in no position to spend the night sober.
A waiter turned up at some point and started helping out the auntie. He was a little older than you and might have been her son or nephew from the way you heard them talking. He brought you the bottle of soju and did you the kindness of not pointing out that you were drinking alone.
You ate and one bottle turned into two, then three and soon you had the boozy little feeling of being drunk. It was getting dark now and you paid your bill, giggling at the 69 written in ink.
The waiter seemed concerned.
“Are you going to be alright getting home, miss?” he asked after he brought you your change. The restaurant was so ‘local’, they only took cash.
“I’ll be fine. I’m not going home.” you assured him.
You got up, managing to navigate to the exit but stumbled slightly as you stepped away from the restaurant area and toward the sand and the shore. It was a calm night, the water was fairly still and the moon was rising above the horizon.
It was beautiful but also spinning slightly so you sat down hard on the sand.
It was slightly cold and damp underneath you but you were in no position to be making elaborate movements. You closed your eyes for a while, listening to the wind and the waves crashing.
The last time you had been on a beach was during your honeymoon last year.
You’d spent a lot of time around the hotel and in the pool, on a boat and at that ridiculous couples contest but your favourite part had been the beach. It had been a brief detour one night after dinner but you had sat in the sand just like this, looking up at the stars.
Nicholas had told you that when something was bothering him, he would sit and stare up, and that as long as he could see the stars, he knew that everything would be alright. You looked at him looking at the stars, his eyes shining and you let yourself believe him.
That night had been one of the first times you had seen a glimpse of the real Nicholas. Not the charming young heir of Wang Enterprises, but Nico, just Nico and he seemed like a man you could love.
You felt the prickle of tears in your eyes but took a deep breath and stayed in control.
Your mind was fuzzy with replays of all things Nicholas. A supercut of random moments that you kept in your heart.
You knew that you loved him, but telling him might make him think that you want to keep him shackled to you, just when you both knew you could have your freedom. You knew you couldn’t do that to him - it was selfish. He had been nothing but kind to you in your marriage, a good husband and a good friend too. You couldn’t rob him of the possibility to find true love.
Way back when, you had known that allowing the kind of intimacy that you had would be a bad idea but you had done it anyway, and regardless of what boundaries you had crossed, sex didn’t equate love. Emotions were involved, but that didn’t mean feelings were. That thought haunted you every time you lay in his arms, the thought that none of it could be real and true.
It was what made you panic now. The possibility of him demanding his freedom even if you told him you loved him. The fear of him rejecting the love you felt.
It was the only love you had ever felt.
And now you had to square with the fact that it could all go away. When a typhoon warning is issued, people tend to prepare for the worst; it was just something you were supposed to do, yet the fear of what might happen is sometimes worse than what actually happens.
You were so lost in your own head, your own shitty reality, that you had not noticed the person walking up to you and standing a couple of feet away.
You snapped to, pretending you weren’t just having a moment.
When you looked up properly, you realised it was the waiter from the restaurant. There was an apologetic look on his face and something awkward resembling embarrassment.
“Um, sorry to interrupt, I thought you could use this.” he said, holding out a bottle of water. You hesitated for a moment before accepting it. Your throat was tense, the effect of holding your cries in. The water might help.
You took a sip after unscrewing the lid and gulped it down. After sitting for a while, it felt as if you’d sobered up just a little.
“Thank you. That’s nice of you.” you said, feeling just a smidge calmer.
He shook his head gently. “Don’t worry about it. Are you alright?”
You looked at him carefully, trying to judge his sincerity. You could feel it in the way he kept his distance, trying not to spook you, as if you were a distressed animal.
“Not really, but I’ll be fine.” you replied, only half-convinced.
“Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I know it’s not any of my business.” he shrugged. “But talking to other people helps sometimes.”
“I don’t want to bother you with my problems. You can go ahead, I can make it back on my own.” you said, as if he knew where you were staying.
“That’s alright, I understand. Have a good night.” he gave you a small smile and turned to walk away.
You surprised yourself by calling out. “Wait- I, uh, actually wouldn’t mind talking for a sec. If you were willing to listen?”
“I am, that’s why I offered. Alright,” he said, coming closer and sitting down to your right. He left a respectful amount of space between you and you appreciated it. “Go ahead.”
You hummed for a second. “I did something stupid.” you announced. You were sick of overthinking so you just launched into it. “So there’s this guy-”
The waiter smiled as if he was holding back a chuckle. “There always is.” he said quietly in amusement. “Sorry.”
It was too late though, his smile was infectious and you realised how ridiculous your statement had been.
You tried not to start laughing as you continued.
“So there’s this guy and well, he’s my husband…” you trailed off.
You told the waiter about how your parents had arranged the marriage, leaving out the part where you’re the heirs to big pharma businesses, while he listened patiently and nodded in understanding. You recounted how you and Nicholas had started to get along and how you even became friends and had a good time together. You told him that you had slowly and unwittingly fallen for him, all the while reminding yourself that it wasn’t a real marriage.
“And now I found out that we don’t actually have to stay married anymore, like we have the option to divorce and I have no idea how he feels about it yet because we didn’t speak and I freaked out and basically ditched him and this stupid corporate meeting and now I’m here and everything feels insanely messy and I’m scared.” you exhaled.
It felt so cathartic to get this off your chest.
“Has he ever told you how he feels about you?” the waiter asked. He sounded as if he was trying to diagnose the problem.
“No, we’ve never spoken about this stuff. I think that’s why I’m freaking out.” you said.
“Right. I hate to say it, but I think you’re going to have to make the first move.” he paused. “You need to tell him how you feel and start the conversation because it seems to be something you two have been avoiding and now you’re at a point where you can’t avoid it anymore.”
“But then he’ll leave and everything will be over. I really don’t think he feels the same - he’s always nice to everyone, not just me, and I can’t think of a single reason why he’d love me back.” you felt as if you were finally seeing clarity through all your thoughts. So this was the reason why you couldn’t face Nicholas - your own suffocating insecurity.
The rational side of your brain acknowledged that there was foundation for that insecurity, but you couldn’t help but wonder what things would be like if you had used your mouth to talk to Nicholas instead of kiss him.
“Your problem is that you can’t entertain the possibility that he could feel the same way. What if he did?” your new friend insisted. “Everything would work itself out, right?”
“I guess, but that’s such a big ‘if’. And if he doesn’t love me then we go our separate ways and it’s going to hurt like hell and then… I don’t know.” you closed your eyes.
The waiter doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Are you a person who’s afraid of pain?” he asked.
You hesitate. Were you? You hadn’t experienced anything major, the only thing you could think of was the kind of constant disappointment and dysfunctionality you felt in your relationship with your parents - there was no real nurturing there and you’d gotten used to expecting the worst from them.
Was that experiencing pain? You weren’t sure. You didn’t think so.
So were you afraid of pain?
“I have no idea.” you admitted.
“Regardless, here’s the deal. You learn to get over the pain eventually.” he told you. “No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you learn to carry on. That’s what life is about. You keep going whatever happens. If he leaves you, then he leaves you. It’s part of your journey here and you just need to figure out what the next step is going to look like. Whether it’s love or heartbreak.” he concluded.
You were stunned at how wise the man next to you was. He looked out at the ocean, suddenly seeming so far away and you couldn’t imagine what he had been through. You felt as if your problems might be small in comparison.
“That’s probably the wisest thing anyone’s ever told me.” you said. “Thank you. Really, you didn’t have to sit here and listen to me but thank you for doing it and for the advice. I feel so much better.”
The man seemed to come back to you. He smiled widely. “I’m glad I could help. Now go home. I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”
But of course, you couldn’t go home right away; for one you were drunker than a duck. So you went back to the inn and fell into bed.
The last thing you remembered before sleep took over was Nicholas’ face.
*
The morning sun made everything look better than you felt. Your guts were going to spill, you were pretty certain, and your head was going to crack open, maybe. You swore off soju quietly and sat up.
You had underestimated the hold that your current situation had on your subconscious because you had dreamt of Nicholas. The two of you had been in your apartment doing nothing in particular, some lazy Sunday or something, the hum of the washing machine and gentle simmer of a pot on the stove soundtracking your day. And Nicholas…he was just there, smiling at you.
It was up to you to believe this was a possibility.
You sighed.
It was near noon and you were struck by lightning: it was a Tuesday and you hadn’t called sick into work.
You were going to get your ass kicked for that one from HR and/or your uncle.
“Come on, dummy, choices were made and consequences will be felt.” you muttered.
About an hour later, you hit the road. Your phone had died and you hadn’t bothered to charge it, mostly because you didn’t want to hear it ring on and off for all eternity.
You stopped for lunch at a service station, idling away some more time because you were a procrastinator at heart. It was also nice to have some alone time, space to breathe and think about what you wanted to say to Nicholas.
It was near the end of the work day when you finally pulled up to your apartment complex.
You had no reason to expect that you would have company.
As you shut the door behind you, you heard sounds from the kitchen.
Nicholas was home.
The few steps down the hall felt like a million miles but you put one foot in front of the other. You had to carry on, that’s just life, you reminded yourself.
Whatever he had been doing, Nicholas had stopped and come toward the door. You could smell the simmering pot though. (Perhaps your dream had been clairvoyant, you thought to yourself.) The man could cook straight through the end of world if he wanted.
All that separated you two was the length of the couch.
It hadn’t occurred to you to imagine what he’d be like, but you were surprised. Nicholas looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, dark circles clearly visible under his eyes. His hair was somehow perfect as usual but he was wearing a tank top and sweats, as if he hadn’t left the house at all today. Had he? you wondered.
“Hey.” you said, hands clasped in front of you.
His face was stone. “‘Hey’?” he repeated back to you. Your heart lurched. “That’s all you have to say, YN?” he asked. He didn’t give you time to reply. “I was worried sick! You disappeared off the face of the Earth for twenty-four hours, ignored all my calls and all you have to say is ‘Hey’?” his voice rose dubiously. The vein in his neck popped slightly with each word.
“I’m sorry.” you said. Your voice was weak and you felt yesterday’s tears resurfacing. You hated the look on his face. There was so much disappointment, you couldn’t bear it. “I’m sorry,” you repeated, “I should have called and I shouldn’t have just left and-” the tears were sliding down your cheeks pathetically but you felt the wind knocked out of you as Nicholas threw his arms around you.
You didn’t understand for a second but your brain caught up; he had crossed the two meters in a blink.
Your arms curled around his waist instinctively and you clung to him. He was so warm and you relaxed, head in the crook of his neck.
“I thought you were mad at me?” you said against his skin. He made no effort to let you go.
“I am,” he mumbled. “But I missed you so fucking much.”
“I missed you too.” you admitted. It felt like such a relief to be here with him again.
You were starting to feel a little too warm so you extracted yourself gently from his grip but stayed close, arms around his waist, his resting around your shoulders. You looked up at him, seeing his eyes had softened. Nicholas shifted, bringing a hand to swipe at the tears on your face with his thumb.
You felt a bit silly, standing and crying in front of him. You weren’t the type to cry in front of anyone else. It felt too vulnerable, too intimate.
“Why did you leave?” he whispered.
“Because I got scared.”
“What does that mean?” he asked. “Scared about what?”
“Scared you want to get a divorce. Because we could do that now.” you said. Nicholas took a step back but his hands were still on your arms.
“I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through, you’d assume I want to divorce.” he shook his head in disbelief.
“So…you don’t want it?” you hesitated to ask.
“No, of course not!” Nicholas exclaimed. He looked a little outraged at the idea.
A wave of relief washed over you. You felt like you could breathe again. Indeed, a guffaw full of disbelief tumbled out of your mouth.
“I can’t believe it.” you almost chocked.
“Well, we could have talked sooner if somebody hadn’t run away…” he shrugged, then brushed a stray hair away from your face.
“We’re talking now. And you ran off too.” you remind him about Sunday night. He nodded.
“I know. I did and I’m sorry too.” he said.
“Call it even?” you asked hopefully.
“I suppose,” he agreed. “But what happened? You just disappeared.”
You nodded, guilty as charged.
“I freaked out. Sorry for being so volatile. I should have talked to you instead of leaving. I just couldn’t face it for a moment.”
“I forgive you, but what couldn’t you face?” Nicholas asked.
You looked down, suddenly hesitant again. You definitely needed to work on talking about your feelings.
“I couldn’t face the possibility that I might lose you.” you admitted. His shoulders dropped and his face hardened.
“I hate that you thought that.” he said. “It’s my fault for not telling you sooner.”
“Well, we didn’t know we had the divorce option until the other day so-”
“No, not that.” he interrupted carefully. “I meant not telling you that I love you.” he said, looking into your eyes.
Your breath caught.
So miracles really did happen, you thought. You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face. And then more tears came, this time they felt sweet.
You swiped a few away furiously, annoyed that you couldn’t take it without being a big crybaby.
Nicholas was smiling too, still holding your arms, and pulled you a bit closer.
“Why are you crying?” he mumbled.
“Because, Nicholas, in my head I lost you a hundred times so that I might be prepared if it happened, but all this time…” you shook your head, taking a shaky breath. You steadied yourself and looked up at him. “I love you too. So much.”
Nicholas engulfed you in another hug, holding you as close as humanly possible.
This was the most peace you had ever felt in your heart in your entire life. It was relief, it was happiness, it was disbelief, it was everything you had ever needed.
To love and be loved, why hadn’t you realised that it mattered to you all this time? Because that was before Nicholas.
*
It was a while later when the two of you were sprawled on the couch, limbs entangled after a hearty meal, that it occurred to you.
“Our first year wedding anniversary is coming up.” you announced. “Should we do something?”
“You know, we’ve been married longer in dog years.” Nicholas mumbled, his eyes closed. Your head swivelled to look at him. You were going to blame it on the wonton soup you’d had earlier.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You’re ridiculouser.” he muttered, obviously drifting off.
“Aha, you tell me every day.” you chuckled, patting his chest where you hand had been resting, but Nicholas had already fallen asleep in your arms.
*
Memes!!! i didn't forget <3
A/N: i have to apologise not only for the wait but also because the drop in quality is bothering me; it’s been over 2 years since i started the fic and i’ve lost the thread, the voice, the vibe and general energy of the whole story and it’s partly because i’ve changed and i recognise that’s life but i can’t help but be disappointed that i’m not showing what i really wanted the fic to become. i have taken a big break from tumblr and kpop in general, i want to say it wasn’t mental health etc but it really was. things are still murky but starting to be better and i really wanted to try and get something out. so thank you for your continued patience and for reading!
&team Nicholas x fem!reader - arranged marriage AU
[strangers to spouses to lovers]
Sum:
As the heir of your family’s company, your life had been lived with strict rules. Now working in the company, you thought you could try and enjoy the one aspect of your life that your parents hadn’t tried to control - dating. That is until they force you into an arranged marriage to the son of a business tycoon you had never met before.
A/N: surprise, i’m alive!! i made a promise to finish this and my goodness i will! note continued at end.
For a moment, Nicholas froze.
It was a fair reaction, since you’d literally just told him you don’t have to be married anymore, legally speaking.
You felt positively sick. You waited for his reaction, still shaking a little.
“What do you mean, we don’t ‘have to’ be?” he asked, his face paling but otherwise unreadable.
You cleared your throat slightly. “I mean, it says in the contract that once the merger is complete, we-” you paused; it was tricky to say it nicely. “We can file for divorce and it won’t effect business in any way.” you said. “I mean, the premise of the union was investment in the merger. So I suppose now that investment has-”
“Divorce?” Nicholas interrupted. You realised you’d been rambling on.
“Yes.” you replied quietly. Nicholas hadn’t moved an inch; the table was still between you after he’d walked into the room and now felt like an impenetrable barrier. He refused to meet your eyes, looking instead to the contract.
“Are you sure?” he continued to avoid eye contact. You nodded. “Did you know about this before?”
The question took you by surprise because it made you think he might suspect you of lying to him. You shook your head quickly.
“Of course not.” you said earnestly. “I just found out.”
“Then you’re just as confused as I am.” he finally looked up. You found his gaze has hardened; you suspected he didn’t believe that you had just found out.
“I swear, I had no idea, Nico.” you affirmed. He nodded but didn’t say anything for a while.
You could feel your pulse in your ears in the moment of silence. It was horrible and deafening.
“We should talk about this tomorrow. It’s late now. Goodnight.” Nicholas decided and didn’t wait for a response before walking out of the room.
You were speechless.
You’d never seen Nicholas act so icy, not toward anyone or especially to you.
You hadn’t had a moment to process the information, not really, but you had so many questions - all that stuff that Jay told you about - you had to confront Nico about it. What if he did know about it? Did that mean he was lying to you the whole time?
You thought about going after him but you decided it’s better to wait for him to come to you.
You’d never seen this side of Nico and you had no idea how to approach it.
Right now you had too many questions and no answers.
You needed help and you knew where to get it.
*
The next morning made last night feel like a fever dream.
You woke up groggy and unaware of what’s happening and realised it’s a goddamn Monday.
You groaned and checked the time. Three minutes before your alarm.
“Whatever.” you whispered to yourself.
You lay there for a moment, thinking about everything that happened yesterday. Had that been real? Then you stressed about how you might confront Nicholas. Maybe he was waiting for you to talk over coffee or something. That would be a best case scenario.
When you finally got up and wandered out into the hall, you noticed Nico’s door was open and the apartment was utterly silent. You padded to the kitchen and living room and confirmed that your husband was in fact not there.
Nicholas up this early? Weird. Nicholas already out of the house at this hour? Cause for concern.
It was obvious he was avoiding you and as much as you could understand the sentiment because your were freaked out too, it hurt immensely. Did this mean he was seriously considering the possibility of divorcing you?
Why wouldn’t he?
The whole basis of your marriage was a business arrangement, it’s not his fault you fell in love with him - especially when you hadn’t even told him that, you weren’t sure you could be mad at his reaction.
You had your own thoughts to sort out and he had his.
Giving each other space might be the best and yet all you felt was that you needed to find out what Nico was thinking. You supposed it was a symptom of being married to someone for a year - you factor them in to your life eventually.
You hoped he wasn’t as out of his mind as you were, then again, he was never the type to overshare anything bothering him. Neither were you.
You decided that you would give the both of you time to process. In the meanwhile, you had a whole day of important meetings to get to.
After the morning rush of briefings and subsequent project meetings, you made your way up to the rooftop of the office building. It had been sunny but the weather had become indecisive, the seas of clouds weaving between each other, blocking and unblocking the sun.
You kept your sunglasses perched on your head and the black leather folder in your hand.
The scrape of the chair signified your arrival and your uncle turned to greet you.
“Hello, my dear.” he said. His eyes flitted to the folder you deposited on the table between you. It was just an inch off of pushing his coffee over. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Betrayal.” you clasped your hands together.
Your uncle didn’t miss a beat.
“Well, do you feel betrayed?” he asked. You weren’t sure he knew what you were referring to. You hadn’t said anything.
“Actually, yes. A little,” you said. “When were you going to tell me about the divorce clause?”
“It depends.” the old man replied strategically. It was the most important phrase in a lawyer’s arsenal. You shook your head.
“Don’t get cute, Uncle.” you said bitterly. “I’m not in the mood.”
“I’m sorry, my dear.” he conceded immediately. You read the guilt across his features and it made you feel bad in turn. “I really didn’t think you’d need to discuss it.”
“It was in the contract the whole time. It’s my own fault I didn’t figure it out.” you said. The sunlight was suddenly intense so you reached for your glasses, pulling them down to your eyes.
“I do think you should have but I don’t blame you. It was purposely difficult to spot.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I was sort of preoccupied by being blindsided at the time to notice.” you retorted. “But why did you put it in there? I thought you sold me out like everyone else.”
“Of course I didn’t sell you out.” he said gently. “I put the clause in there as a safety net. An insurance. I wanted to ensure your freedom, my dear. Not just from the Wangs, but from your own family.” your uncle explained.
You closed your eyes for a heartbeat.
You were relieved to find out that at least your uncle cared about you, even if your parents didn’t.
“So why didn’t you mention it?” you asked. Some of the tension was leaving your body. It was getting easier to swallow this pill.
“I wanted to and I was looking for the right time, but then I saw how happy you were with Nicholas and I couldn’t bring myself to.” your uncle told you.
You mulled it over for a moment.
“I was happy, I guess.” you said, looking down at the folder. “I mean I am, weirdly. Maybe not anymore because now everything’s so messed up. Well, more messed up.” you added.
“Did you tell Nicholas?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“We haven’t spoken about it.” you confessed.
“Then why are you sitting here speaking to me about it?” your uncle exclaimed. “The only person you should be talking to right now is your husband.”
“I have no idea what to say to him, Uncle. I’m at a loss for words.” you sighed. “I know it wasn’t a ‘real’ relationship but I think I love him. What am I supposed to do if he wants a divorce?”
“My dear, it’s real if it’s real to you. The only way to find out is to talk to him.” he reminded you. “Nicholas is a good boy, he’ll hear you out.”
“You like him too, don’t you?” you chuckled.
“Well, yes. You know, I actually met Nicholas before your parents did.” he said. Your mouth opened involuntarily. This was definitely news to you. “That’s right. I thought you would like him so I let your parents proceed with their plans.”
You almost scoffed. “Is there anything else you’d like to share that I should know?”
“I suppose I should give you the entire picture now.” your uncle took a sip of his coffee. “The reason the Wangs accepted your parents’ proposal was because they had had an internal problem. One of their biggest and most loyal investors left and there was talk of revolt amongst the shareholders and such. The Wangs were looking for a tactical smooth-over and they sure grabbed at the opportunity when it came along.”
You took a moment to understand; this matched with the intel you’d gotten from Jay. The only question remained was Nico’s knowledge of the situation.
“My parents are always first to sniff out a weakness.” you lamented. You hated that you came from such ruthless people, yet, it was what your whole lives were built upon. Your family business. Your family reputation. Your family name.
“As I said, I gave them the green light. For how manipulative they are, my dear, they are also very easily manipulated; I could have stopped them cold in their tracks if I told them it wasn’t beneficial for us too.”
“I suppose I have you to thank then. Or blame.” you shrugged.
“I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not a matchmaker.” your uncle raised his hands in defeat.
“The jury’s still out on that one.” you said. You hesitated for a moment but asked anyway. “Do you think my parents would hate me if we split?”
“Don’t think about your parents. Think about your husband and yourself. Your relationship has been meddled with enough.”
You nodded. “Thank you,” you said. “For the net. And the advice.”
***
The meeting after your lunch break was a quick departmental check-in and it finished early. Everyone was busy and didn’t feel like wasting time on something that could have been an email. That meant that you had an entire hour before the executive meeting scheduled for the afternoon. All the higher-ups were coming and of course you and Nicholas.
You realised that this would be the first time you saw Nicholas since last night. It sent a tingle of nerves to your stomach. Would he bring it up now or would he wait until you got home to discuss it? You didn’t want to keep wondering because you would drive yourself crazy, but all you could think about was Nicholas.
The hour went by agonisingly slowly because you couldn’t focus on doing anything remotely productive. Your mind was scattered; every other thought was about Nicholas or about your marriage. You couldn’t go on like this so you decided to distract yourself.
You had been planning to leave early for the meeting but got lost in a mean game of Scrabble against the computer and ended up over-dicking-around and losing track of the time. As you speed-walked to the meeting you were glad that at least you had won the game. It had worked its competitive magic on your brain.
Until you were sucked back into the blackhole of your life.
On your way to the meeting, some colleague grabbed your attention and started talking to you about one of the upcoming contracts you were attempting to secure. You were trying to pay attention and reply comprehensively but you arrived at the destination.
“…and it shouldn’t be a problem to get in touch with their suppliers to fact check the last section of the contract…” you trailed off, mind going blank.
There was a crowd of people trickling into the meeting room but you stopped when you saw Nicholas amongst them. Your husband was hard to miss; he stuck out in the sea of bobbing heads because of his impressive height. You watched him for a moment, handsome and charming as he greeted someone or other and flashed a smile. You felt a pang of jealousy. It seemed to come so naturally to him but you usually struggled to put on a ‘nice’ facade.
“YN?” your colleague prompted, curious eyes inquiring after you.
For a split-second you considered leaving.
You didn’t trust yourself to put on a brave face right now.
And suddenly the thought lay anchor in your head and you knew in your gut that even if you fought against it, you were going to do it anyway.
“Sorry, would you excuse me? I forgot something.” you mumbled and left back the way you came.
The possibility of what might happen if the two of you interacted right now crashed over you and you panicked.
The meeting would go on without you.
You didn’t stop when you were in the safety of your office. You did a sweep, throwing your phone, keys and other essentials in your bag, then exited just as swiftly as you had come in. Now you were running on pure impulse.
It was a minute before you were starting your car engine. Another minute until you were out of the underground employee parking. And another until you almost drove through a red light.
The city slowly faded to suburbs and then changed to a highway, but you kept driving.
Your phone rang after about an hour but you were still on the highway. You guessed who it was. You should have turned it off.
Another hour later you entered a small seaside town and found a proportionately sized inn to stay the night. You were so glad you kept some random clothes in your trunk. The lady at the desk seemed a little surprised when you walked in in your utterly corporate attire and asked for a room.
There was plenty of rooms despite it being tourist season. You found yourself in a neat little bedroom with pastel green floral wallpaper, an old wooden vanity and a double bed that looked like it had been carved up two centuries ago. The bathroom at least resembled something out of the twenty first century.
Once you showered and changed, you lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Your phone started its next round of vibration and you held it up.
Nicholas.
You contemplated picking up, but before you could make up your mind, the ringing stopped.
It didn’t ring again.
He had now called five times.
You sank further into the mattress. You felt like shit. For once you hadn’t thought about the consequences of your actions and weren’t going to entertain them until tomorrow. You put the world on hold and left the room.
The lady at the reception desk told you there was an outdoor barbecue restaurant just down the street near the shore if you were hungry so you said thank and you wandered out. You hadn’t really eaten properly all day so the suggestion was welcome.
The smoke of the grill was rising high up, imitating a signal fire in case anyone happened to pass by.
A flare for lost souls.
How appropriate.
The auntie running the restaurant greeted you as you came closer and sat down in one of the many empty tables. The restaurant consisted of some tables, chairs, umbrellas and a large grill. There was a food truck parked to one side and you guessed that’s where the food was stored and you could see a sink through one of its open doors.
Alright enough, you guessed.
You looked at the short menu handed to you, finding yourself thinking about what Nicholas would order if he was with you. You sighed.
You ordered soju with your food, knowing that you were in no position to spend the night sober.
A waiter turned up at some point and started helping out the auntie. He was a little older than you and might have been her son or nephew from the way you heard them talking. He brought you the bottle of soju and did you the kindness of not pointing out that you were drinking alone.
You ate and one bottle turned into two, then three and soon you had the boozy little feeling of being drunk. It was getting dark now and you paid your bill, giggling at the 69 written in ink.
The waiter seemed concerned.
“Are you going to be alright getting home, miss?” he asked after he brought you your change. The restaurant was so ‘local’, they only took cash.
“I’ll be fine. I’m not going home.” you assured him.
You got up, managing to navigate to the exit but stumbled slightly as you stepped away from the restaurant area and toward the sand and the shore. It was a calm night, the water was fairly still and the moon was rising above the horizon.
It was beautiful but also spinning slightly so you sat down hard on the sand.
It was slightly cold and damp underneath you but you were in no position to be making elaborate movements. You closed your eyes for a while, listening to the wind and the waves crashing.
The last time you had been on a beach was during your honeymoon last year.
You’d spent a lot of time around the hotel and in the pool, on a boat and at that ridiculous couples contest but your favourite part had been the beach. It had been a brief detour one night after dinner but you had sat in the sand just like this, looking up at the stars.
Nicholas had told you that when something was bothering him, he would sit and stare up, and that as long as he could see the stars, he knew that everything would be alright. You looked at him looking at the stars, his eyes shining and you let yourself believe him.
That night had been one of the first times you had seen a glimpse of the real Nicholas. Not the charming young heir of Wang Enterprises, but Nico, just Nico and he seemed like a man you could love.
You felt the prickle of tears in your eyes but took a deep breath and stayed in control.
Your mind was fuzzy with replays of all things Nicholas. A supercut of random moments that you kept in your heart.
You knew that you loved him, but telling him might make him think that you want to keep him shackled to you, just when you both knew you could have your freedom. You knew you couldn’t do that to him - it was selfish. He had been nothing but kind to you in your marriage, a good husband and a good friend too. You couldn’t rob him of the possibility to find true love.
Way back when, you had known that allowing the kind of intimacy that you had would be a bad idea but you had done it anyway, and regardless of what boundaries you had crossed, sex didn’t equate love. Emotions were involved, but that didn’t mean feelings were. That thought haunted you every time you lay in his arms, the thought that none of it could be real and true.
It was what made you panic now. The possibility of him demanding his freedom even if you told him you loved him. The fear of him rejecting the love you felt.
It was the only love you had ever felt.
And now you had to square with the fact that it could all go away. When a typhoon warning is issued, people tend to prepare for the worst; it was just something you were supposed to do, yet the fear of what might happen is sometimes worse than what actually happens.
You were so lost in your own head, your own shitty reality, that you had not noticed the person walking up to you and standing a couple of feet away.
You snapped to, pretending you weren’t just having a moment.
When you looked up properly, you realised it was the waiter from the restaurant. There was an apologetic look on his face and something awkward resembling embarrassment.
“Um, sorry to interrupt, I thought you could use this.” he said, holding out a bottle of water. You hesitated for a moment before accepting it. Your throat was tense, the effect of holding your cries in. The water might help.
You took a sip after unscrewing the lid and gulped it down. After sitting for a while, it felt as if you’d sobered up just a little.
“Thank you. That’s nice of you.” you said, feeling just a smidge calmer.
He shook his head gently. “Don’t worry about it. Are you alright?”
You looked at him carefully, trying to judge his sincerity. You could feel it in the way he kept his distance, trying not to spook you, as if you were a distressed animal.
“Not really, but I’ll be fine.” you replied, only half-convinced.
“Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I know it’s not any of my business.” he shrugged. “But talking to other people helps sometimes.”
“I don’t want to bother you with my problems. You can go ahead, I can make it back on my own.” you said, as if he knew where you were staying.
“That’s alright, I understand. Have a good night.” he gave you a small smile and turned to walk away.
You surprised yourself by calling out. “Wait- I, uh, actually wouldn’t mind talking for a sec. If you were willing to listen?”
“I am, that’s why I offered. Alright,” he said, coming closer and sitting down to your right. He left a respectful amount of space between you and you appreciated it. “Go ahead.”
You hummed for a second. “I did something stupid.” you announced. You were sick of overthinking so you just launched into it. “So there’s this guy-”
The waiter smiled as if he was holding back a chuckle. “There always is.” he said quietly in amusement. “Sorry.”
It was too late though, his smile was infectious and you realised how ridiculous your statement had been.
You tried not to start laughing as you continued.
“So there’s this guy and well, he’s my husband…” you trailed off.
You told the waiter about how your parents had arranged the marriage, leaving out the part where you’re the heirs to big pharma businesses, while he listened patiently and nodded in understanding. You recounted how you and Nicholas had started to get along and how you even became friends and had a good time together. You told him that you had slowly and unwittingly fallen for him, all the while reminding yourself that it wasn’t a real marriage.
“And now I found out that we don’t actually have to stay married anymore, like we have the option to divorce and I have no idea how he feels about it yet because we didn’t speak and I freaked out and basically ditched him and this stupid corporate meeting and now I’m here and everything feels insanely messy and I’m scared.” you exhaled.
It felt so cathartic to get this off your chest.
“Has he ever told you how he feels about you?” the waiter asked. He sounded as if he was trying to diagnose the problem.
“No, we’ve never spoken about this stuff. I think that’s why I’m freaking out.” you said.
“Right. I hate to say it, but I think you’re going to have to make the first move.” he paused. “You need to tell him how you feel and start the conversation because it seems to be something you two have been avoiding and now you’re at a point where you can’t avoid it anymore.”
“But then he’ll leave and everything will be over. I really don’t think he feels the same - he’s always nice to everyone, not just me, and I can’t think of a single reason why he’d love me back.” you felt as if you were finally seeing clarity through all your thoughts. So this was the reason why you couldn’t face Nicholas - your own suffocating insecurity.
The rational side of your brain acknowledged that there was foundation for that insecurity, but you couldn’t help but wonder what things would be like if you had used your mouth to talk to Nicholas instead of kiss him.
“Your problem is that you can’t entertain the possibility that he could feel the same way. What if he did?” your new friend insisted. “Everything would work itself out, right?”
“I guess, but that’s such a big ‘if’. And if he doesn’t love me then we go our separate ways and it’s going to hurt like hell and then… I don’t know.” you closed your eyes.
The waiter doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Are you a person who’s afraid of pain?” he asked.
You hesitate. Were you? You hadn’t experienced anything major, the only thing you could think of was the kind of constant disappointment and dysfunctionality you felt in your relationship with your parents - there was no real nurturing there and you’d gotten used to expecting the worst from them.
Was that experiencing pain? You weren’t sure. You didn’t think so.
So were you afraid of pain?
“I have no idea.” you admitted.
“Regardless, here’s the deal. You learn to get over the pain eventually.” he told you. “No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you learn to carry on. That’s what life is about. You keep going whatever happens. If he leaves you, then he leaves you. It’s part of your journey here and you just need to figure out what the next step is going to look like. Whether it’s love or heartbreak.” he concluded.
You were stunned at how wise the man next to you was. He looked out at the ocean, suddenly seeming so far away and you couldn’t imagine what he had been through. You felt as if your problems might be small in comparison.
“That’s probably the wisest thing anyone’s ever told me.” you said. “Thank you. Really, you didn’t have to sit here and listen to me but thank you for doing it and for the advice. I feel so much better.”
The man seemed to come back to you. He smiled widely. “I’m glad I could help. Now go home. I’m sure he’s waiting for you.”
But of course, you couldn’t go home right away; for one you were drunker than a duck. So you went back to the inn and fell into bed.
The last thing you remembered before sleep took over was Nicholas’ face.
*
The morning sun made everything look better than you felt. Your guts were going to spill, you were pretty certain, and your head was going to crack open, maybe. You swore off soju quietly and sat up.
You had underestimated the hold that your current situation had on your subconscious because you had dreamt of Nicholas. The two of you had been in your apartment doing nothing in particular, some lazy Sunday or something, the hum of the washing machine and gentle simmer of a pot on the stove soundtracking your day. And Nicholas…he was just there, smiling at you.
It was up to you to believe this was a possibility.
You sighed.
It was near noon and you were struck by lightning: it was a Tuesday and you hadn’t called sick into work.
You were going to get your ass kicked for that one from HR and/or your uncle.
“Come on, dummy, choices were made and consequences will be felt.” you muttered.
About an hour later, you hit the road. Your phone had died and you hadn’t bothered to charge it, mostly because you didn’t want to hear it ring on and off for all eternity.
You stopped for lunch at a service station, idling away some more time because you were a procrastinator at heart. It was also nice to have some alone time, space to breathe and think about what you wanted to say to Nicholas.
It was near the end of the work day when you finally pulled up to your apartment complex.
You had no reason to expect that you would have company.
As you shut the door behind you, you heard sounds from the kitchen.
Nicholas was home.
The few steps down the hall felt like a million miles but you put one foot in front of the other. You had to carry on, that’s just life, you reminded yourself.
Whatever he had been doing, Nicholas had stopped and come toward the door. You could smell the simmering pot though. (Perhaps your dream had been clairvoyant, you thought to yourself.) The man could cook straight through the end of world if he wanted.
All that separated you two was the length of the couch.
It hadn’t occurred to you to imagine what he’d be like, but you were surprised. Nicholas looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, dark circles clearly visible under his eyes. His hair was somehow perfect as usual but he was wearing a tank top and sweats, as if he hadn’t left the house at all today. Had he? you wondered.
“Hey.” you said, hands clasped in front of you.
His face was stone. “‘Hey’?” he repeated back to you. Your heart lurched. “That’s all you have to say, YN?” he asked. He didn’t give you time to reply. “I was worried sick! You disappeared off the face of the Earth for twenty-four hours, ignored all my calls and all you have to say is ‘Hey’?” his voice rose dubiously. The vein in his neck popped slightly with each word.
“I’m sorry.” you said. Your voice was weak and you felt yesterday’s tears resurfacing. You hated the look on his face. There was so much disappointment, you couldn’t bear it. “I’m sorry,” you repeated, “I should have called and I shouldn’t have just left and-” the tears were sliding down your cheeks pathetically but you felt the wind knocked out of you as Nicholas threw his arms around you.
You didn’t understand for a second but your brain caught up; he had crossed the two meters in a blink.
Your arms curled around his waist instinctively and you clung to him. He was so warm and you relaxed, head in the crook of his neck.
“I thought you were mad at me?” you said against his skin. He made no effort to let you go.
“I am,” he mumbled. “But I missed you so fucking much.”
“I missed you too.” you admitted. It felt like such a relief to be here with him again.
You were starting to feel a little too warm so you extracted yourself gently from his grip but stayed close, arms around his waist, his resting around your shoulders. You looked up at him, seeing his eyes had softened. Nicholas shifted, bringing a hand to swipe at the tears on your face with his thumb.
You felt a bit silly, standing and crying in front of him. You weren’t the type to cry in front of anyone else. It felt too vulnerable, too intimate.
“Why did you leave?” he whispered.
“Because I got scared.”
“What does that mean?” he asked. “Scared about what?”
“Scared you want to get a divorce. Because we could do that now.” you said. Nicholas took a step back but his hands were still on your arms.
“I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through, you’d assume I want to divorce.” he shook his head in disbelief.
“So…you don’t want it?” you hesitated to ask.
“No, of course not!” Nicholas exclaimed. He looked a little outraged at the idea.
A wave of relief washed over you. You felt like you could breathe again. Indeed, a guffaw full of disbelief tumbled out of your mouth.
“I can’t believe it.” you almost chocked.
“Well, we could have talked sooner if somebody hadn’t run away…” he shrugged, then brushed a stray hair away from your face.
“We’re talking now. And you ran off too.” you remind him about Sunday night. He nodded.
“I know. I did and I’m sorry too.” he said.
“Call it even?” you asked hopefully.
“I suppose,” he agreed. “But what happened? You just disappeared.”
You nodded, guilty as charged.
“I freaked out. Sorry for being so volatile. I should have talked to you instead of leaving. I just couldn’t face it for a moment.”
“I forgive you, but what couldn’t you face?” Nicholas asked.
You looked down, suddenly hesitant again. You definitely needed to work on talking about your feelings.
“I couldn’t face the possibility that I might lose you.” you admitted. His shoulders dropped and his face hardened.
“I hate that you thought that.” he said. “It’s my fault for not telling you sooner.”
“Well, we didn’t know we had the divorce option until the other day so-”
“No, not that.” he interrupted carefully. “I meant not telling you that I love you.” he said, looking into your eyes.
Your breath caught.
So miracles really did happen, you thought. You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face. And then more tears came, this time they felt sweet.
You swiped a few away furiously, annoyed that you couldn’t take it without being a big crybaby.
Nicholas was smiling too, still holding your arms, and pulled you a bit closer.
“Why are you crying?” he mumbled.
“Because, Nicholas, in my head I lost you a hundred times so that I might be prepared if it happened, but all this time…” you shook your head, taking a shaky breath. You steadied yourself and looked up at him. “I love you too. So much.”
Nicholas engulfed you in another hug, holding you as close as humanly possible.
This was the most peace you had ever felt in your heart in your entire life. It was relief, it was happiness, it was disbelief, it was everything you had ever needed.
To love and be loved, why hadn’t you realised that it mattered to you all this time? Because that was before Nicholas.
*
It was a while later when the two of you were sprawled on the couch, limbs entangled after a hearty meal, that it occurred to you.
“Our first year wedding anniversary is coming up.” you announced. “Should we do something?”
“You know, we’ve been married longer in dog years.” Nicholas mumbled, his eyes closed. Your head swivelled to look at him. You were going to blame it on the wonton soup you’d had earlier.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You’re ridiculouser.” he muttered, obviously drifting off.
“Aha, you tell me every day.” you chuckled, patting his chest where you hand had been resting, but Nicholas had already fallen asleep in your arms.
*
Memes!!! i didn't forget <3
A/N: i have to apologise not only for the wait but also because the drop in quality is bothering me; it’s been over 2 years since i started the fic and i’ve lost the thread, the voice, the vibe and general energy of the whole story and it’s partly because i’ve changed and i recognise that’s life but i can’t help but be disappointed that i’m not showing what i really wanted the fic to become. i have taken a big break from tumblr and kpop in general, i want to say it wasn’t mental health etc but it really was. things are still murky but starting to be better and i really wanted to try and get something out. so thank you for your continued patience and for reading!
I hope this message finds you well. My name is Aziz, and I’m reaching out with a heartfelt plea to help my family find safety and reunite with our mother. 😞
The ongoing war in Gaza has torn my family apart. My mother and newborn sister are stranded in Egypt, while I, along with the rest of my sex family members, am trapped in the midst of the genocide in Gaza. We have not only been separated but have also lost our home and are enduring unimaginable hardships. 💔
Your support can make a difference. Whether by reading our story, donating, or sharing our campaign with others, you can help us reunite, find safety, and start anew. 🙏🕊
Thank you, from the depths of my heart, for your kindness, compassion, and solidarity during this difficult time. ❤🍉
Hi 👋, My name is Mohammad, and I’m reaching out in a moment of desperate need. I’m a father of three young children living in Gaza, and we are caught in the midst of a catastrophic war. Our home is no longer a safe haven, and the future here seems increasingly uncertain. 💔
I’ve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future.
Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my family’s safety and well-being. 🫶
If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. 🙏
Thank you for your time, compassion, and support. ❤️🩹
Sum: You’ve always known that you were meant to live like this, your duty before your own life, plagued by ghosts every day, but a chance occurrence leads you to meet someone who may ease the burden on your shoulders.
you guys are so afraid of “loosing riize” you don’t realize we kind of already lost them.
Wonbin is covering his whole face. Sungchan wanted to run away from the cameras. Shotaro, who is always cheerful and respectful, didn’t even addressed the filmmaker. Sohee CRIED.
the boys look MISERABLE. they aren’t happy with this and if we, as a fandom, don’t do something about it when THEY OBVIOUSLY CAN’T, what are we for?
I DON’T WANT TO LOOSE RIIZE, but the feeling is that I already did. there’s no resemblance of the seven guys who had warm smiles and hearts and wanted to grow together and realize dreams with us.
part of the fandom actually DESTROYED their dream and the other part is giving no fucks about it. we aren’t rise and realizing shit for ages now.
my blood boils thinking that the guys are in the hands of the psychotic bitches that sent funeral wreaths for a 21-year-old and a company that doesn’t care shit about their mental and physical well-being.
not to mention how Sohee and Eunseok are both on their radar now, and they want to attack each and every one of them, bully them until there’s no one. Anton is already being harassed on social media, too. It’s not the next idol who’ll be under attack, it’s OUR IDOLS. the same guys, the same group.
they are overworked, tired and sad. SM didn’t even have the decency to postpone or cancel their schedules.
and yet you’re still afraid about how they feel if we boycott? they already feel like shit. and you’re doing nothing about it, congratulations!
romaincrisis
germansingergirl
kianamaiart
dededos
areudirty
annaxmalina
ellievsbear
