I haven’t used this blog in SO LONG. I truly do miss the days when this was all I did with my spare time. It was such a chaotic, yet innocent time. Like in the Nine Alignments version of life, it would have been the Neutral Good phase of my life. Now I think I’m in the Chaotic Neutral phase.
I’ve been thinking so much lately how I miss being young, and how growing up really sucks. Can’t believe I ever wanted to be an adult one day. I don’t think I would necessarily want to be a baby 20-something year old girl ever again, but no matter how sad, or lonely, or self-deprecating I felt, weirdly, conversely, I was still so much more confident and invincible than I am now. Like somehow I still just went after my dreams anyway, even if I felt it was pointless. It’s like my youth was the main thing I had going for me. When you’re young, you can just bounce back like nothing even happened. You can somehow still function on two hours of sleep, get wasted, live off of ramen noodles, and get rejected by boys, or lose jobs, or deal with anything really. Your youth is like your currency, and you think it is never ever going to run out. Even if you “know” you’re going to get old one day, you really don’t fully grasp that fact. And then one day you wake up, and you’re less beautiful than you were just five years ago, and you’re overweight, and you’re almost 30 years old. That isn’t even that old in the grand scheme of life, and I understand how ridiculous this all might sound, but I have literally never been older than I am right now, and I only know what it feels like to have once been so very young.
I guess some things never really change though. Because at every phase of my life, I’ve always felt like Everything Is Awful and Everything Is a Big Deal, even when it’s really not that bad. And I’ve always been a pretty depressed person, and no matter how many times I have made really embarrassing mistakes on the internet, and no matter how many times I have WAY overshared every single little detail of my life, I still do it. It’s like free therapy sort of? And most people, I assume, don’t, didn’t, and will not, read or care about a majority of what I share on any social media platform.
Anyway, once again, I would like to start using this again more frequently, but who really knows if I will follow through. In any case, it’s nice to be able to come back every once in a while.
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