Please ignore. Twitter circles is gone and I just need to word vomit a bit because I’m depressed and I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. Im also pmsing so it’s so much worse rn.
Im currently at my parents place and im trying to not cry but failing and im trying to prevent a breakdown until i at least get back to my apartment.
Anyway. Idk where to even begin lol but basically I’m at a point where I am so tired of living. Things just dont happen easily for me and everything is a struggle of gives me anxiety or makes me want to die. This world is so fucked. I feel guilty for even feeling the way I do given what other people in the world are going through.
I’m 28 and I don’t have many friends. Idk how to make friends and I’m very socially awkward/anxious so it doesn’t come easy for me. And it’s not like people are actively trying to get to know me either. I actually don’t even know what that feels like. The friends I currently have are people I met through work or school and then become friends with a few of their friends. But I have met countless people who I’ve added on social media and that’s about it. People don’t reach out to me to hang to get to know one another. I feel very forgettable and honestly I probably am given how few events/hangouts I get invited to. I barely hang out with people in small groups, it’s always one on one which is nice but I wish I had a group. I wish I had a ride or die. I wish I had a girl friend I could call a sister. I wanna go on a girls trip and a girls night.
On that same note, I’m convinced I’m destined to be perpetually single. I have yet to be in an actual relationship and at this point I’ve basically lost hope I’m ever going to find someone. I hate dating apps, I’ve tried using them multiple times and it just doesn’t work for me. And given the fact that I can’t even make friends, how would I even find a man? Ideally I’d like a meet cute but let’s be real here, I’m not lucky enough for that to happen to me.
I crave community so much and I know this is the source of my depression but I basically have been at a disadvantage socially speaking since I was young. My parents were really strict on me. They’re better now so my two youngest sisters have the social life I have always wanted and they get to do so much more. And I’m happy for them truly I am, I would never want to wish this on anyone else.
I just feel so lost. I don’t know what I’m doing other what I need to do to not fail and move back home. What’s the point of anything? Why am I here? What’s my purpose? I wish I could disappear. My friends would be better off. They’d probably forget about me after a while anyway.
Idk. I’m gonna cut it off here bc my family came upstairs and I don’t want them to see me crying. I try very hard to look like I’m okay. I mean they know I’m depressed they just don’t know how much. And it runs in the family plus they all have their struggles and shit to deal with so I don’t need them to worry about me.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m not going to do anything because I know it would crush my mom and I can’t cause her anymore pain but I really need things to majorly turn around for me in almost every aspect of my life. I’m tired of life being this way.
