#797b70 @mongoliachickenbreast - Tumblr Blog

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我是一個被囚禁的人

愛這個字被扭曲的太多

就像一個枷鎖困在脖子上

你沒有辦法呼吸

你只能照著鏡子看自己慢慢失去美麗

Film 2020. MNL.

years-of-indiscretion

The Sky Above, The Earth Below ~ Groton MA ~ 27 May 2015

especially

Since I already teared up, I decided to write more.

It’s feels so weird transiting from summer to winter, to morning lights are not as bright as before, which makes me extra sleepy in the morning. I’ve lost all motivation in online class, college is a scam. I spent a lot more time with my mom, few days ago we went to this temple, it’s a beautiful thing, no matter it’s a Taoism temple for church, you just feel calm. It’s like something that’s covering your heart, your naked body. I love winter, I am a winter person. I guess it matched my personality, idk, idk where I’m going for again, but yea, that’s it.

froggysaur-deactivated20220826

I thought I would post something on my tweeter first time in a while but I guess it’s private enough for my tumblr. It’s weird everytime I got this feeling, everytime im in Manila, I miss Taiwan’s cold air, motorbike riding and all the goodies, my friends from childhood and my family. whenever I’m back in Taiwan, I miss the warm air and passionate people in Manila, my good friends from college. I guess culture shock is just something that I have to live with for the rest of my life, I’ll never get use to this feeling. Things are different now, I am different now. One thing I still do is that I still regret, my hair are short again, crashed my bike accident again, I stopped smoking and now smoking again, it’s funny how everything is repeating in a cycle, I still feel lonely deep inside my heart. I guess this is life, this is adulting, you just have to deal with the decisions you made and think about all the consequences, it hurts a lot, it’s sad, it’s depressing, it’s buzzard as fuck. All the things in your phone are now jsut memories, are just things that would never be the same, your highlight, your loved ones, your physiques, your mindset, your good times with friends, special moment with just that one person and not replaceable by any human beings.

“What are you doing KC, what is your next move, what’s going to happen next, are you going to regret again, are you happy, are you sad?”

I hate writing, because for some reason this big boy got tears in his eyes when he writes, he doesn’t got the chance to express his emotions well, he doesn’t have someone to talk to, because all these stuffs are just so so private.

I always think about the people I got in touched with, weather it was someone special, someone I loved, someone that I had a crazy time with, someone that taught me something, someone that is just becoming a scar in my heart, shit hurts like the injury I got from my accident, a real motherfucker.

So what now, that’s all on you mind for NOW. What is it going to be for the next month, next year. It was a good run 2020 with all the corona shit, and I’m not sure where I’m getting into, what am I writing exactly, what am I trying to express, I guess idk, like always. It is just all going to be a part of me forever, until I die. Good to see u again. See you next time, #recapthougtsnov2020.

I still love cars,

‪you are not impatient, you are not bad, you are not selfish, you are not mean, you are capable to love, you are capable to give, you can make people laugh, you make people enjoy the time with you, you make people appreciate, compassion, you are strong and you are worthy.

everybody have their own way of suffering anxiety attack and depression, for me when my anxiety attack kick in I can not breath normally, I feel like the oxygen is fading, then I can’t feel my fingers and toes, it becomes stone cold, my body starts snacking, I will dry to smoke, drink, or hurt myself, anything that would stop it, but it never worked, onetime I actually smoked a whole pack of cigarette in my bathroom alone and when I got out I actually feel better, too bad I’m trying to stop smoking, but I still wanna die.

It’s been so long since last time I actually feel like dying, because I moved from a real shit place and now I got a balcony and I can see the sun everyday, I became more optimistic, more happy, enjoying my time more and living the way I want it. Life is just like weather, it’s sunny but sometimes it’s cloudy, it may rain maybe even storm, you just have to know that the sun is still there, and it’s never gone. I’m just stuck in a storm for quite a long time, but I still know, the sun is there.

I hate when I push so much effort in something and 1 second, a word, an action just made it completely worthless, I took that lesson and I tell myself, it’s gonna be okay, oneday somebody is gonna see ur worth, put their heart and effort, value you more than themselfs, just like you always do.

Hang on there, you can do it, people will tryna change you and make u feel wrong, ur not, ur just you. Be alive KC, be alive, life is fun when u see it in a different, just not now. Someone will really understand you and appreciate you, put effort in you and consider your feelings, value you can take care of you, you will finally be relieved oneday, you know it. So just hang on, okay? Don’t let it get u, ur strong.

sunny-kimmy

@mongoliachickenbreast babe, u look so cool

Though love. Thats a bond between my dad and I.

I grew up without a mother, she decided to leave us and I don’t blame her, my dad could be a little bit harsh sometimes, I am still close to her, but it just got me thinking, am I not worth it for her to just stay.

A few months back I was obsessed with this “mind hunter” series on Netflix, it’s basically talking about a FBI special task force trying to understand the behavior of the serial killer, they called it “ behavioral science”, and through out the series I’ve discovered that a lot of killers were under behaving that way due to the influence of family in many different aspect, and it got me thinking: does the things I have seen/experienced when I grow up in my family have a certain influence in my personality?.

I don’t have a lot of friends, I only have less than 5, but i consider every each and one of them as family, it means that I will give one of my kidney, I will pay their debts, I’ll even die for them. They are not my blood related brothers and sisters, but I love them more than my real siblings, because they have done so much for me and help me grow, and I never forget to show my appreciation to them, and they never let me down, not even ones.

So, it got me thinking, why do I appreciate so much, and it’s all because i am the closest siblings to my father, because I understand more, I care about his feeling more. I can sense when that he’s hurt, he’s sad, he’s broken, but he’s never mad. Sometimes people have to analyze their feelings, because there is no such emotion called “mad”, they were usually hurt, and doesn’t want people to see their weakness, they are just trying to protect themsleves, and it’s true. It is human nature, human beings take advantage out of everything (doesnt just things, lives too) it is so easy to let people take things FOR GRANTED and does not know how to appreciate it. Sometimes my father feels like he is not being appreciated, starting to make people know how is it like to live without him by doing some stuff to intimidate us, I know it’s wrong, but I understand, he been through a lot, people always take advantage of him and he does not ask for payback, he can do everything on his own, that’s why I so admire him, because he rely no one.

I wish to be like him one day, strong enough to graduate in medical school, be a doctor in Taiwan, have his own clinic, and have the ability to raise a family with three kids alone and still being able to spoil us. He doesn’t complain, but he gets tired, and sometimes, I will goto his room, and tell him “ I appreciate you, so much” and he will be strong again.

Again these are just some words on my mind, I don’t know how to end this or construct this and I don’t care, stuck in Manila due to the quarantine, I miss home, I miss my friends, I miss him. I’ll be strong, I’ll be still, I always do.