Forever in my heart, forever in my prayers.
I don’t know what I should feel, and I’ve said all I’ve couldve said. I don’t know how to move forward, but I know I miss the body heat next to me in bed.
Everything in one person that was all I’ve ever known. But as of lately, my emotions and mind have been blown.
I truly do not know or understand why things had to check me the way that they did, but I know I ain’t deserve this heart ache, even if god forbid. I knew, she knew, they knew, we all knew. But how did the one person I ever REALLY loved left my heart to have no choice to turn blue? Na, take that back, cause I know love is love. But love isn’t harmful, deceitful, and evil.
I can never make you be who you aren’t meant to be, and as I said before, you just enjoy the thought of me.
Clean pussy, clean house, good food good sex, but even through and through, I was still never at my best. But was what my best wasnt yours? Because you should’ve known you was supposed to love yours.
Enough of that rhyming shit, here it is.
I dedicated majority of five years worth of love, hate, happiness, anger & transparency to one person. Cannot state or say that others didn’t distract me at times. But home, was where my heart was. I’m not sure what to say in a blog I’ve nelgected for years. And whoever still reads these things can’t possibly be fulfilled from me constantly talking the same person day in and day out. I fucked up on my end because as a woman, you have to know your worth, you have to stand on your word, and you have no other choice but to be “strong” but being such things will never guarantee you your happy ending. No matter if I eleminated the memories, the flash backs, and the voice of you that plays over in my head, I cannot see beyond the measure of danger, damage, and betrayal he embedded in me.
I stayed for many reasons. Security, stability, and even though no single human being saw it or felt it, the love. It was a broken love, a hurting love, a addicting love. But it was never the RIGHT love. Love doesn’t have you coming to a woman as a woman, love doesn’t make you look like a fool beyond measure, love doesn’t make you forget who you are.
I can’t say what we had was actually love. This love was struggling, draining, and hurting.
I can say..... these five years gave me endless lessons. Endless laughs, a endless bond that I have never felt in my life ever. These five years gave me what no other person could. Even the pain and suffering.
I’ve contemplated deadly thoughts, I contemplated running away, I contemplated that maybe... you never even wanted a forever with me. I was just filling the void, of whatever you never got fulfillment from. All I know is. When I hurt, I hurt others. When I hurt, I don’t wanna be here anymore. When I hurt, I’m not happy.
I wanted what seemed so impossible because I’m one to fall so hard. And honestly in this generation it just seems like falling is for the weak. And there’s room for the weak these days. But another year, I’m left to pick up my own pieces and head the I told you so speech from the outsiders watching. I knew better, and thought you did too.. but our versions of knowing better and doing better just weren’t aligned.
I thought a man who admired my business ethic, my ambition and dedications was good enough. But it can’t be when outside desires control your actions. I thought I was the one you would switch up for but it just never happened. I fell nothing short of foolish to the actions that were just covering up wrong doings over time. I fell foolish to your lies that just seemed so believable. I felt for everything, every single time.
My trust is gone, my heart is fading and my mind is shook. My emotional traumas have been triggered almost every day. I still say your name I still see your face, I still see it as if nothing happened. I want it to be over because a record of heartbreak just seems to be the only song in rotation. Needed to put my pain into words even if this blog spiraled out of emotional control. But this is my mind, daily.
snowghoul
titsay
yousharknotpass