The Number 8

There She Goes...

[retropopcult]

The Windows on the World restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center (North Tower), photographed by Ezra Stoller in May 1976.

[furiousgoldfish]

If you’re worried you’re causing or encouraging your intrusive thoughts and harmful fantasies, you should know that people only fantasize on purpose about things that make them feel good. If your thoughts and fantasies are making you anxious, scared, worried, guilty, ashamed, stressed, and upset, they did not come from you, they’re intruding in your head against your will. They came from something that scares you and traumatizes you. You did not do that to yourself. You did not cause the intrusive thoughts.

And when you have more intrusive thoughts than usual, it can be because you’re under more stress than usual, and struggling with the pressure. That means it’s a good time to acknowledge that you’re tired, anxious, worried and upset, and that you deserve to lay down, have some tea, wrap yourself in warm blanket, stare at the sky and do only activities that help you calm down. Once I started acknowledging my intrusive thoughts and fantasies were a sign of stress, it was easier to see where they come from, and what to do to make them back off.

[divineandmajesticinone]

Gary Cooper & Dana Andrews BALL OF FIRE (1941) dir. Howard Hawks

[artthatgivesmefeelings]

Gyula Benczúr (Hungarian, 1844–1920) Cleopatra, 1911 Déri Museum

[hauntedbystorytelling]

Hilla Becher (German, 1934–2015) :: [Shell, for the German Industrial Exhibition, Khartoum, Sudan], 1961. Gelatin silver print. Estate Bernd & Hilla Becher. Exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art | src Artblart

[yama-bato]

Godfrey Frankel (1912 - 1995) .

Godfrey Frankel - Chinatown, New York

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive parents will be like “I wouldn’t want something bad to happen to my child"and then go and be the worst thing that ever happened to a child

[napolenon]

[sunflower-cane]

Hypervigilance can cause fatigue guys. PTSD can cause fatigue, anxiety and depression can cause fatigue, Bipolar can cause fatigue, any and all mental illnesses can.

Please understand if youre mentally ill and physically or emotionally fatigued, that is not you being lazy! It is your body and brain being tired of fighting your illness! You are tired because youve been fighting.

This struggle you are going through is real, please do not let yourself or anyone invalidate you further by saying youre lazy.

[furiousgoldfish]

Abused kid things:

having scars on your body you can’t remember how you got them

gaping holes in memory

feeling distortion in your limbs, your body doesn’t feel yours

always feeling terrified of being called out for a mistake

worrying that you are A BOTHER to everyone at all times

guilt for wanting attention

depriving yourself of attention to cope with guilt and thinking it will “toughen you up”

guilt for receiving attention

feeling uncomfortable whenever things are about you

always feeling seconds from being targeted for someone’s anger

being overly accommodating and still feeling it’s not enough and you will PAY FOR NOT DOING MORE

feeling you’re going insane

trying to blame your own symptoms on yourself

trying to shame yourself just like everyone else has shamed you

feeling life would be better if only you weren’t the way you are

craving for something horribble to happen to you just so you could stop anticipating it

fantasies of abuse + obligatory guilt for having fantasies of abuse

self doubt over weather you actually deserved or wanted to be abused

trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t

not knowing how to prove that to anyone else

trying to soothe yourself by explaining your symptoms away and telling yourself your fears are not real

wondering why you stayed alive this far

[furiousgoldfish]

May you find someone who is gentle to you. May you get a person who sees you and figures you out, only to be consistently kind and understanding to you. Someone who finds it easy not to prod you where it hurts, and to respect that some things are uniquely painful to you. Someone who has the patience for all of your triggers, without trying to fix them. Someone who lets you take all of the steps in your recovery on your own, but cheers you on, on every step of the way.

[chillizabeth777]

[pain-is-my-game]

I'm daily reminded of how my mother's love is not unconditional but it still hurts knowing that she'll never love me in any way that matters.

[satanasaeternus]

sculpture - yves pires

[cercamidentroilbuio]

lo accarezzo nel gesto

lento

di afferrare una nuvola

mi serve l’aria

per volare,

la luna

per la tavola della sera

e un pezzo di cielo

per alzarmi di nuovo,

domani.

Irene Marchi

Henning von Gierke, Galerie Heitsch , München

[idkhowifeel]

She says she’s a mess, a burden to me.

She’s not a burden, she’s a garden.

She’s the grass,

each leaf or blade of grass possesses its own distinct beauty, and together the blades form a beautiful unified whole.

She’s all kinds of flower,

she’s colorful,

she brings joy and enchants me with her delicate movements.

She’s the garden where I feel safe

and where I desire to stay,

her light nature frees me from my everyday life prison.

[furiousgoldfish]

abused kids getting positive attention for the first time:

Don’t know what’s happening right now. Complete confusion.

if I ignore this for long enough it will go away

I will not fall for this

I don’t know with what intention this is being done but I don’t trust it and I will defy it

aggression and hostility

it’s too late for this I needed attention years ago, take it back where it came from

attention I’ve heard of this. never seen it in person

what the hell do I do. how do I react. What is EXPECTED OF ME

someone is interested in giving attention to me? what does this mean?

I’m going to take this in and then I need to forget it ever happened because this is the only time I will get attention ever. I need to remember how this feels for forever.

This is probably a mistake, and this person is just doing this by accident. I just need to wait until they figure out I’m not worthy any of their attention.

I need to take this attention. I can’t have it stop. I will do anything to keep this going. Please don’t get bored of me. I will change anything to not be boring.

My entire life is now focusing on this moment right here and how do I have more of it.

What if it’s my fault when this person stops liking me? What if I say the wrong thing and they hate me? What do I do to not chase this away?

I will go out of my way to do things that will ensure I get more attention. No matter what it is.

I can’t go back to my old life, being neglected and ignored and feeling like I don’t exist. I now know how attention feels, I can’t lose this.

If I lose this attention I will go absolutely rabid.

I felt like a person today. I wonder if I’ll ever feel this again.

This person who gave me attention must be special, nobody else has ever seen anything good in me. I’m going to latch onto them like I’ve never latched to anything ever before.

Is it possible I could be special to this person? That I’m not all bad? That I could be good as long as I keep doing whatever got me here?

I don’t think I can repay this attention. I don’t know how to make it up. It meant the world to me. I want to do anything to make it worth it.

I’m scared if I keep getting this attention I will bond to this person, and then they’ll be able to do anything to me. I’m scared I’ll become attached and then they’ll get sick of me and abandon me. I don’t feel safe receiving more because it puts me in a dangerous position. I should end this but I can’t.