Sometimes I think about 11 year old Sirius. What was he thinking about when he got his letter? When he got on the train? At 11 years old, had he already started to realize his family was a bit harsh? Had he already started disagreeing with them or was he still trying to justify their words and actions? Was he still trying to please them and make them proud? Did he make excuses for the things that they did or the way they treated muggles and less pure wizards? Did he over and over again try to convince himself they were still his family and they still loved him even if he was different, even if they were cruel to others? Did he panic when he wasn’t sorted into slytherin because he knew just how furious his parents would be? Did he struggle to sleep that night because he was afraid to write home and tell his parents the terrible news? Did he sneak out of bed every night for the first few weeks trying to find the slytherin common room in the hopes that he could slip in unnoticed? Did he try to change the colors of his robes? Did he beg Dumbledore to let him try the hat on again? Was he scared?
Or, at 11 years old, had he already realized that the things his parents said were not okay and that it wasn’t fair the way they treated those who were “less” than them? At 11 years old, had he already decided to screw them and their racist bullshit? Had he already decided that he was going to be anything he could so long as it was different than them? Did he want to be sorted into gryffindor because he wanted to piss them off? Did he lay awake his first night not because he was anxious but out of sheer excitement?
Was he scared? Or was he brave?
I think realistically he was probably both. Probably terrified and confused and unsure of so many things because he didn’t really want to be like his family but he was only 11 and what the bloody hell was he going to do. But then he meets a boy with messy hair and awkward glasses who grew up quite differently than he did but doesn’t seem to care that he’s from a pureblood family or what his last name is. A boy who doesn’t question him when he tries to turn his robes green but instead sits with him and lets him cry his eyes out and tells him that he doesn’t have to feel brave to be brave. A boy who helps him understand that in fact you can’t be brave if you’re not first scared.
Give me 11 year old Sirius who is still learning who he is and what it means to be brave. Give me 11 year old Sirius as he leans on friends that change the way he sees people and magic and maybe even himself. Give me 11 year old Sirius as he decides just exactly who Sirius Orion Black is.
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