self aware

my healing journey/diary just a girl in her 20s trying to stay sane

[moonbamboom]

Me today...

[moonbamboom]

I feel my breaking point coming. Hate has been festering. I'm no longer wanting to be apart of their lives. Hassliebe is a good word but mixed with Das ist nicht meine Wellenlänge

[moonbamboom]

How do I tell a friend of over 10 years that I can't be their best friend anymore, sure I still want to be their friend but I can no longer be their main supporter. Because it truly has just been me for years. And I don't want to get this person angry with me that they would try to be vengeful, because that is a trait they have.

[introvertsnation]

[moonbamboom]

My energy is draaaaging~

[moonbamboom]

I really miss doom scrolling. I know thats horrible to even admit but it fill so much of my time during the day made it feel shorter....

[moonbamboom]

Today is sluggish. I started feeling this way last night and i just can't right now.

"Life is a bowl of soup and I'm a fork" is hitting hard today.

I don't want to be at work but if i just slept all day I don't think that would make me feel better either.

But I also don't know what I would do if I weren't at work.

[dreamstars]

[moonbamboom]

I dont feel okay.

I feel useless. I feel unimportant. But mostly I feel lonely even though I'm constantly around people...people I like and love.

I thought I was doing okay one might say getting better but I'm afraid I rebounded or whatever and I hate feeling sad for myself it feels pointless because i'll appear happy and fake it until its happy all the time. Its pointless for me to be sad for myself.

Pointless. Useless. Unimportant.

[moonbamboom]

I was told to make a zine. I need it done by monday.

I don’t know what to do for it. What do I say in 8 pages????

[moonbamboom]

She has made this entire trip about her and her wants/needs and I am so annoyed. Everything is on I love this oh listen to me me me. Im trying to keep my cool for 3 THREE more days

[moonbamboom]

Im not ready for this weekend.... 😅

[moonbamboom]

My mom apologized for something that has been my role I've carried since I can remember but didn't know of until a few years ago was a role I possessed. I didn't mean to bring the hard conversations this holiday season but I guess if not me then who.

[moonbamboom]

I was told to make a list of people who and how they got mad around me... but I don't know how to even start. Do I just do the ones who have gotten made at me or just when I've been around someone me what constitutes as mad? Is it the silent treatments, the yelling, the trying to run someone over with their car? Is it just the constant annoyance that finial made some one snap? Or is it when someone has had enough they just drop you? I dont know.

What I do know is its to find the similarities of how I've seen anger and how I deal with/process it now, but it feels like a lot to write....

[moonbamboom]

My head is hurting so bad today... yay for migraine season

[moonbamboom]

I don't always get motion sickness but when I do its from bad frame rates on video games.

[moonbamboom]

Saw a high-school friend today... it was so awkward. She was a grade above and in my boyfriend's-at the time- main friend group. She and the rest of them dropped me after the break up which was fine, and understandable.

I was her first it was like in had a sensor go off and looked right at her (she didn't see me yet) but I wasn't going to say anything buy she came closer and so I did. She looked at me dumbfounded and literally saw the brain fog, she said hi back and did the sounthernly thing of asking how each were but as soon as we did the pleasentries she turned around to finish getting the stuff she needed and mumbled under her breath. I don't know what she said it could've just been a mental reminder- I don't want to look to much into it. She said bye when she was leaving and I told my partner who was next to me that I would've considered her one of my best friends in high school we spent so much time together on the weekends and so many sleepovers and told each other everything. My partners response; uh really? Because she didn't look like she wanted to talk to you at all.

Just goes to show how much we have drifted apart in 11 years.