Silver @mooniepotchi - Tumblr Blog

Hi! Welcome to my little not so private journal

To whoever might be reading this!

hi! this page is my own safe space where i just literally write things that come out of my mind. It doesn't necessarily have any theme or genre as it is purely based on what i want to write :>. So in the note pls don't hate on any post and if any of them do offend you, just leave a message so we could talk about it! well, that's all for now! hope you enjoy your stay!!

Being back in the tower

it took two years for her to find a voice and finally know who she is

it took two week for her to lose it

gusto ba kita?

hindi ko alam kung ano tong nararamdaman ko sayo. Minsan wala siya pero minsan paran yun nalang ang nilalaman ng puso't isip ko.

"who are you to occupy so much of me?"

why do i still have you popping at the back of my mind despite not having talked to you? do i actually still like you? after everything?

or maybe i just can't move on

but then why can't i?

am i actually hoping that i have a chance? why am i holding on?

did i actually like you or have i just realized that i loved you?

last year of college

in a few days i'll be starting my summer year of my 4th year here in college. i honestly can't believe just how time flies by so fast. up until recently i thought i had enough time to evaluate myself and maybe find who i am. now i think i have much lesser than that. reality has been punching me so much i can't begin to process anything at all.

my only hope right now is to do things i wont regret and just really go at it.

a change

things haven't really been the same. alot of things have been changing and im not really sure what to make of it. the biggest one would probably be the fact that my dad would be coming back here in the philippines for good. my mom mentioned this and even said that now, my dad has no excuse to not see me. the thing is, do i even want to see him? like after all these years. i dont know if i can fully pull myself to that. it doesn't help that apparently he's having problem with is new family. like twice? really? i just dont know how someone could stomach that.

i just wished i could blissfully live without knowing anything. just to exist without having the thirst to live.

life lately

hi, i haven't really written anything here for a while. so life has definitely been something since i opened this site. i got to find people around me i could actually trust, i found a spot in my university where i think i feel contented with (as of now at least). though of course not everything is good. i just found out my mom is having a pretty hard time with my sibling and i kinda feel bad that i'm not there for her. I mean i get my sibling's point of view but i also hope they get our mom's. something pretty drastic also happened in my life recently that kinda put a halt to my everyday activities. specifically pointing it out might out me so i'll just say it happened one saturday night i can't forget for multiple reasons (good and bad).

right now it's going to be a week long break and im not really sure what to do with it. i mean, yeah i'll study and work on my back log, but aside from that/ my mom expects me to have my future ready (at least after graduating). my grandmother isn't really helping with heavily implying what i should do after college. i mean i love that they see that much potential with me but sometimes i just want to stop. like breathe and appreciate life. though every time i do, i find myself stuck on a place where i can't recover, so i just don't stop. i don't really know what to make out of it except with just going with the flow.

at least i'm happy right?

...right?

Why now?

what do you do when the person you've finally stopped looking for suddenly shows up to make mends? it's been months since i met you again, and now you're back to be a competent father? i'm not sure cause i never really hated you but somehow i also can't get rid of this ill feeling inside of me. like why now?

like i can't believe i actually now have the chance to meet you and actually talk to you but im not so sure if i can stomach anything right now.

i cried last night. i broke down wishing i knew what to do, hoping somehow the outflow of tears would be able to clear my head with a clear choice to pick

it didn't .

Cornelia street

this song by taylor swift has had me on a chokehold for a while now.it reminds me of things in my best that held the best and worst moments of my life. Its engulfed by the laughter, flutter and giddy moments you would equate to a first love. But you are also presented with the nerves, that foreign feeling of wanting something you never once experienced until then. I do miss that feeling. The feeling of just living like everyday really being a better day.

just dropping in

i've had a lot of realizatiosn lately.

i'm not really that open as i thought i would be. being in college had made me realize how i usually tell the same old narrative of my life to everyone i meet. no word or twist made as time changes. it's like i put my life in that stage as it bring me comfort. I haven't even begun to acknowledge all the changes happening around me. it's like i'm too scared of getting overwhelmed. and maybe i am.

i've always suffered with being and to changes in my life. i just somehow can't keep up with it. what's worse is the fact the i feel like i have no right to share it. most of the things that happen to me just stay with me. and i know for the most part that it's perfectly okay to have it be like that but i just really can't seem to share it at all. I don't think i trust anyone aside from myself to keeping my story. i've seen so many scenarios where the narrative is twisted and the story isn't what it was like anymore. i don't want that. I'm afraid of people twisting my life as if it's just some narrative of a story. I don't want it to be a tale of fiction i never consented on.

I' just afraid of people knowing who i am and what goes through my head because it's... scary. laying it out there, waiting for people to see and comment upon. it's better to just not talk about it at all.

Second sem

hi! so i tried using notion again to write and uhh i kinda refer putting my journaling here still. not because i want it to get traction or that its just for the clout, it's not. I think its somehow comforting how there's that small possibility that someone around this world we live in is reading this. it makes me feel at ease with maybe actually existing in this world, like i did offer something. (though i do hope this doesn't bite me in the ass with digital footprint).

So yeah, second semester has started. It's been 2 weeks of it actually. The only i can say about it is that i have time now to do things aside from academics BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG. i think i've focused most of my recently years to really doing my best that i never really. thought of enhancing or branching my different interest around :<< welp that is what i'm currently trying (as you might see). I've taken back my interest in videography and editing. i also tried writing again, i missed it dearly. School in all it's glory is pretty okay, I like the classes i got and the professors are pretty amazing.

I hope by the time i read this, not much has changed. well, if there was change, i hope it's for the best :>

Christmas break

i've ben back home for a few days now, maybe even a week now. I honestly don't know how i feel since it's all so familiar and i find myself falling to the routine i had 5 months back but foreign like its something i'm not used to. i haven't also left our house since arriving. it's like i'm scared to.

end of first sem

i think my whole day was just me and my roommate packing our things for our move out tomorrow. The dorm requires us to put all our stuff away since they usually have a general cleaning of the rooms when the students are away. I'm not really sure how to feel. like yes, i love that i can finally meet my family again and travel back home but there's also this inkling feeling that i just got used to living here and was finally starting to enjoy it and brave myself out there. it's all confusing but i still can't wait to got back home. i'm not exactly sure how things are going to be like since a lot has changed since I went to university.

let's just hope for the best

Finals season

so finals season is hitting like a truck. the whole things has been an ongoing deja vu for me. 5 months ago i was in the same situation, trying to find things needed for my flight, balancing my finals, trying not to have a mental breakdown. I kinda get why people say nothing will be original again once you experience it the very first time. right now, i think i'm doing okay but i know i could definitely do better than this. I'm so close to crying but i have so much to do that i can't even bring myself to cry (except for when i watch really sad videos cause apparently i'm a sucker for those). Aside from that, i just want to get through this alive and satisfied with the performance i did throughout all my subjects.

it's also kinda funny how, despite being in the somewhat same position, i am definitely more happier than i was compared to being in the hotel room in dubai.

atleast i'm okay, right?

exercise advised

so i went to a guidance consultation and i was told about this exercise to write about my day daily and kinda leave a little message for 'future me', I'm kinda excited about this since its something i could look forward to but also iffy since i'm fully aware that there's a possibility i won't be able to fully commit.but for now im going to be fully optimistic about it so here's the future message i guess :>

Hi future me! i hope you still have this optimism i have tonight! I also hope that you're okay from finals. though yea h:>

Starting back up

So now with the passing of the huge set back of seasonal depression hitting like a truck, i'm slowing forming new structure once again in my life. Writing the things i need to do is kind of helping, though i sometimes forget that i wrote them down and forget to do them all together... but hey at least it's a start right? I'm also trying to make most of the time of independency before i go back home. i genuinely don't know what would happen to my mental health after going back( i just hope it gets better). Also with first sem nearing its end, i'm starting to get nervous with my grades. I don't want to disappoint and get something i'm not satisfied with. but i also do admit that there were some things i regret not doing. Anyways i'll try to sleep early today (if near midnight is early) so i can start tomorrow a bit better than today :>

it's a start

so we're back to writing our feelings out 🫣 HAHAHAH i mean i'm just hoping this helps me get better cause she is not. anyways that's all i have to say for now. today was a pretty okay day but i am lowkey stressing for everything else BYE

is it seasonal depression or was i triggered?

see i've never been back here for years. I'm currently 21 (newly turned), living (or was living) with a better mindset than the one i had at 19. i thought i finally let go of that dark part of me. like i wasn't depressed, i didn't want to end my life. that i was done with living. but here i am still breathing. i genuinely thought i got better, then i realized i wasn't.

I put myself in a false promise of reality where moving to a country would suddenly solve all the unknown blob of darkness inside me. the things are still here, just better hidden i guess. why am i this way? like i put this false lense in he morning and bathe in the misery that collected throughout the play of life.

i thought i was okay

i thought i was fixed

maybe i'm just being dramatic

maybe i'll be okay tomorrow

maybe tomorrow is the last today.

i hope (not) [do i?]

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