mordax

Hello everyone! :) My ao3 is: mordax

[vanhemart]

sketches based on “the sun still rises” by @mordax101 on ao3, where mary has another kid while on the run and neil takes care of his little brother alex while staying at palmetto

GOD i loved this fic i don’t think i’ve ever finished one so quickly

[mordax101]

I have to come on here and talk about this because it has been on my mind: Kevin's mommy issues. They are never really pointed out or expanded upon in the series, but man are they there.

First of all, the 'girlfriend' we hear about once or twice is a woman who is several years Kevin's senior, and they met when Kevin was still underage. Disregarding how weird and predatory this is (which is not something to actually be disregarded, but for the sake of this post), I think Kevin was probably drawn to an older woman because of his mommy issues.

Secondly, Abby! Rereading the series made me realize how often Kevin turned to Abby for comfort and consolation. After Kathy's show and the Riko scare, Kevin not only went to Abby, he collapsed on her. He let her hold him up, hid in her arms like he wasn't over half a foot taller than her. Throughout the series, Abby checks on Kevin with light comforting touches--hugs him when he's struggling--and Kevin lets her. He seeks it out.

It just makes me wonder about Kevin's life before his mother passed. Did his mother give Kevin maternal affection and Kevin misses it? Or was comfort from a maternal figure relatively foreign to him, even if he desperately wanted it? We know about Neil's mommy issues; we of course know about Aaron's; but Kevin's! Dare I say, Kevin's mommy issues exhibit themselves more clearly in his day-to-day life than even Aaron. (Although, this of course might very well be because the series is in Neil's POV. Dude had eyes for two things: Exy and Andrew, and as we all know, Kevin is the face of Exy. Neil can notice Kevin's intricate and endless mommy issues but disregard Aaron's entirely lmao)

I don't know. Food for thought.

[mordax101]

We all know about the negative qualities that grow from trauma, but something I don't see discussed as much are the good traits grown from bad roots. More than anyone, I think this exhibits itself in Matt Boyd.

Matt throughout the series is fast to forgive and unfailingly loyal. He holds love and respect for his mother where most would resent her absence in his early years. When Andrew brings him to Columbia and gets him hooked on speedballs, Matt admits the benefits. The other Foxes hold deep-rooted grudges on his behalf, but Matt only expresses anger when he thinks Neil is about to experience a similar trauma (mind you, at this point Neil and Matt had only known each other for a few weeks).

In fact, Matt never shows much anger on his own behalf. Instead, his strong emotions are defined by what happens to the people he cares about. He isn't forgiving of the transgressions that happen to others, but he forgives the transgressions against himself at the drop of a hat. Matt is the type of person to only throw a punch when someone else's well-being is on the line.

This isn't to say Matt is weak; rather it represents his self-image. I imagine that Matt before the Foxes had an incredibly low self-worth. He hated himself for using drugs but couldn't find the will to stop; he wanted so desperately for the love of a parent that he didn't resent his mother for taking him in when it was too late. However, we meet Matt not at his worst, but on the incline after rock bottom. He's healing enough to bare his track marks with confidence, but not enough to care as much for himself as he does for everyone else.

Matt's loyalty and his lack of grudge-holding and his easy anger on behalf of his loved ones are all good qualities. They've become a part of his personality. I don't think healing will make these traits go away. Instead, I think we're watching Matt change their roots. No longer is he controlled by a lack of self-worth; he's learning to be all these things and love himself at the same time. He's learning to forgive the transgressions against himself not because he thinks they are deserved, but because he knows he's worth more than being bitter.

Matt Boyd appreciation because there can never be too much :)

[mordax101]

Andrew and Neil’s relationship will always be impactful to me because it’s about independence existing with love rather than in defiance of it. “I’m not your answer and you sure as fuck aren’t mine,” isn’t a throwaway sentence; it’s not Andrew trying to deny the thing growing between him and Neil. It’s saying the pure and simple truth: love isn’t going to fix everything. Love isn’t going to heal Neil or Andrew; infatuation isn’t going to last an eternity; this interest isn’t going to be a life purpose.

Both Andrew and Neil see it. Instead of pretending they can be enough for each other, they both work to help the other stand alone. Andrew helps Neil stand his ground and stop running. Neil helps Andrew accept his brother and the importance of other people. They help each other find answers that aren’t just themselves. (Although I would argue Andrew had this intention while Neil more or less saw himself as insufficient -- 'nothing' -- and therefore not enough to depend upon; but that's a whole other thing for a whole other post)

I think Andrew has a much deeper understanding of trauma responses and recovery than he lets on (he had so many sessions with Bee). He sees the signs of Neil growing dependent on him. He knows Neil is prone to dependency after his mother; he knows he himself is prone to controlling people and situations. They are the perfect recipe for toxic reliance. Knowing this, he tries to push Neil away. When he figures out he can’t, he tries to change the trajectory their past and their trauma has them set on. Everyone emphasizes how much Andrew focuses on not becoming his past via his ‘yes or no’, but he also focuses heavily on letting his family stand alone. In more ways than one, Andrew actively aspires to be better.

There’s a quote from a book I read recently (Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin): “Only healthy people are capable of being in love. Using love to treat an illness just makes the illness worse.” So many stories romanticize love bringing people back from the dark. Andrew and Neil don’t drag each other out of dug graves. Instead, they hand each other a shovel and start digging themselves.

It's been on my mind; how Nora Sakavic masterfully concocted an outline of characters with a disaster waiting at the end of every road and told us a story about how people can take control of their lives and redirect themselves to something healthy and beautiful. I'm excited for TSC :)

[mordax101]

We all know imposter syndrome, but imagine how it plagued Renee. She went from a life of hardened cruelty to trying to be better. Everyone thinks she's sweet-tempered and calm, but how often do you think she beat herself up, thinking she was deceiving everyone and herself? How often do you think Andrew told her she was hiding herself behind crosses and sweet words, and how often do you think she believed him? How often do you think she pleaded with her God, wondering if the sins of her past could truly be forgiven?

I don't think that finding religion was Renee's propellent to improving herself. It wasn't the thing that made her inspired to help people; it wasn't the thing that softened her edges. She did that on her own; it was inherent. Religion simply gave Renee a method to try and forgive herself, because this--self forgiveness, self belief--was the part she couldn't handle on her own.

I am a huge proponent for the Renison ship (or whatever their name is? Renee x Allison). Allison is unapologetically herself; this is what ostracized her from her family and what gave her the label 'catty bitch' thrown around by Nicky and others. But Allison isn't afraid of her hard edges, whereas Renee is. It's easy to think about the ways Renee can help others, but I love thinking about how Allison could help Renee. How she could help Renee trust herself and believe in herself; believe that all the good in her isn't a mask she's using to hide a monster. And even if it was a mask, Allison would probably say the monster was beautiful anyway.

That's it. Love them.

[mordax101]

Hello everyone!

My fic, The Sun Still Rises, on AO3 now has a working Russian translation! I have linked it in my fic, but I wanted to make an announcement for any Russian readers who would be interested in the translation.

I've had a few requests for translations and this is the first person who has posted and kept me updated with their process. Thank you to everyone and their support of my fic and a huge shoutout to @fox-with-glasses for their wonderful work and effort on this translation.

Thank you again! Here is the link to the Russian translation: https://ficbook.net/readfic/018b2db9-957f-7ade-bf8b-a5fe37930a52

(p.s. if anyone has pointers on how to make this link accessible through the post, please message me lol)

[mordax101]

I have a guilty confession. I mentally increase the height of AFTG short characters. The Minyard twins are canonically 5'0? Nope, they're 5'3 in my brain. Neil's 5'3? Too bad, he's now 5'5. I just cannot for the life of me imagine Andrew only coming up to Jean's nipple or whatever crazy height difference they have. The lack of short jokes in AFTG only serves to fortify my delusion.

(Although, Nora really said all the hardcore, dangerous characters are gonna be well below the standard height: Andrew, Neil, Riko, Mary Hatford, etc)(I'd include Nathan Wesninski, but I have no idea how tall that man was, only that he was taller than Neil)

[mordax101]

This is my first post; we'll see how this goes.

I am a part of a few fandoms but most recently joined that of AFTG about half a year to a year ago. I just have to say that it is by far the kindest and least problematic fandom I have had the pleasure of dipping my toes into. Seriously.

I avoid the drama of other fandoms, but still happen to see it in the peripherals. It's amazing that for a series with some very problematic things, AFTG fans happen to be extremely unproblematic. Maybe this isn't the case when you get deeper into the fandom, but so far, I've only seen wonderful and welcoming people. So thank you all, AFTG fans. :)