A blog to capture and celebrate my newfound adventures into Polyamory with my wonderful boyfriend (and anyone else who gets added into the mix)! Sora lives with me, and we've been together for four years. Icon created by Raygorartshit!
We happily accept that we can love more than one child, parent, sibling, teacher, friend or pet. When you think of it like that, isnât the total exclusiveness that we expect of spousal love positively weird?
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (via sydneythelibrarian)
I advocate for polyamory endlessly to normalize it so that SOMEDAY it wonât take me like three hours to explain to a crush why it would be perfectly fine for them to date me even though I have other partners
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the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love
the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities
the idea that you should meet your partnerâs every need, and if you donât, youâre either inadequate or theyâre too needy
the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else
the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity
the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship
the idea that your insecurities are always your partnerâs responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on
the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life
the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself
you know when you really really like someone bc of who THEY are but you also really really REALLY like them bc of what they unlock in YOU, like, they dont CREATE new facets of yourself or whatever but thereâs those parts of you that are easier⊠to access⊠bc of this personâŠ
like maybe its easier to connect with certain interests you have or talk about certain aspects of yourself or maybe its easier to be serious with that person, or easier to be silly, or easier to be kind to yourself, or whatever, when youre around that person⊠maybe thereâs things you forgot were in there and then youre spending time with someone and its like rummagining around the attic! WOW! THATâS STILL IN THERE, HUH
You may have already answered this before, so I apologise, but I just started following your blog and learning more about polyamory. I'm married and looking to bring this idea up to my hubby, as I need more outside of my love of him. How do you start that conversation? Any ideas?
Hoo boy, letâs see. Itâs a pretty delicate thing to approach. If you can, start by finding a way to work it into conversation using someone else as an example so you can gauge the initial reaction. (i.e. My friend just came out as polyamorous! Sheâs still with her husband, but she also has a boyfriend named Rick. Everyone knows about each other, and her husband is totally okay with it. Rick loves to play video games with her for hours, even though her husband has no interest. With Rick around, my friendâs need is met without pressuring her husband to fake it. Isnât that interesting?)
If you get to a point where you feel comfortable putting yourself in that identity, MAKE SURE to be ready to go with a ton of reassurance. A bunch of fears are typically the first reaction - things like âam I not enough?â âwhat if they fall in love with someone else more than me?â âwhat keeps our relationship special if theyâre with other people?â Itâs good to be ready to face these fears head-on, and even going forward itâs always good to make sure youâre on the same page. Let them know youâre not going anywhere. In my opinion, itâs a bit absurd to assume one person could meet every single facet of someone else; people are just too complex for that! But that doesnât mean that theyâre any less important to you, and thatâs largely why they donât have to worry about it. Youâve already invested, and you donât plan on threatening that.
Which leads me to another point - take things as slow as needed to make sure youâre both on the same page the entire way through it. Introducing someone to polyamory is often a frustratingly slow process. But in this case, you NEED to be asking permission every step of the way - asking forgiveness instead is just going to mean betrayed trust, which isnât something polyamory can support. Not comfortably. I recommend establishing a baseline - for my boyfriend and I, that meant that I was free to flirt with whoever I liked, but that Iâd be communicating that itâd be happening. I set a boundary for myself that every time I developed a crush, Iâd tell my boyfriend before I told the subject of my affection. Weâd discuss it, and whether it would be a good decision to act on it. Over time, these boundaries loosened to some extent, but ultimately the absolute baseline is communication.Â
Hopefully this helps! I also recommend reading up at www.morethantwo.com at this phase in your adventure, there is a bunch of invaluable perspective for both you and your husband. Thanks for the great question! <3
Those of you who know me in real life know I tend to be a bit... evangelical about polyamory. If I have the ability to be out, I will happily take it! Since it's such a foreign concept to so many still, and since I feel comfortable enough to defend it if challenged, I love spreading the word. And every once in a while, someone I know will come to me with the eventual realization that they, too, are poly. Listen, guys, this is such a gift to me... I love so much being able to help someone figure out the ins and outs of this wonderfully complex lifestyle. It's so rewarding to put up with the usual quick dismissal of my lifestyle for the chance to expand someone's worldview and maybe someday see it click.
Over the last five years, I have had an incredibly liberating journey in identity. I learned many things about myself, discovering bisexuality, polyamory, pansexuality, and an overall sex-positive mindset. As my sex drive increased, I discovered that a lot of things I wanted, my partner couldnât necessarily give me. Polyamory opened new doors for me to find what more was out there for me without sacrificing the good thing I had going.
As I began to encounter more and more trans and nonbinary people in my life, I really embraced the pansexual identity as I worked on demolishing internalized transphobia and letting go of the gender binary overall. I worked on developing my already-present mindset of loving people on an individual basis, for all that they are, without letting labels get in the way of my appreciation of the person.
Several of the people closest to me fit on the grey-ace spectrum. As someone with a high sex drive, this was something I struggled to understand at first, but it was something I wanted to try to wrap my brain around. With a good amount of patient conversation with one friend over a few months, I began to comprehend the mindsets. It made me sad to hear tales of her past relationships ending in their sexual needs being placed above her as a person. She didnât feel like she could say no. I put myself in her partnersâ shoes, uncertain if I would be able to keep myself and my partner happy in such a situation.
And then I remembered polyamory!
It has been so freeing to realize that my romantic relationships no longer have to have a direct connection to my sex drive so long as I still have one partner that wants to get it on. I could have an incredibly fulfilling romantic relationship with someone who fits on the ace spectrum without ever pressuring them into more than theyâre comfortable with because that is a need of mine that is met elsewhere. Once again, I have the freedom to focus on the individual, instead of any of my own selfish motives. Freedom in love comes a long way in giving freedom in life.
Hi there, I just discovered your blog and I want to say that I'm grateful that to find discourse that actually puts words to how I feel about my poly relationship. I'm new to being poly, and my sweetie lives 3 hrs away, so we don't see each other very often. It can sometimes be a little lonely, especially because I'm not out to many people, but I feel more comfortable in a poly relationship than I ever did in any monogamous ones. It's a relief to see people who think the same way.
Over the last five years, I have had an incredibly liberating journey in identity. I learned many things about myself, discovering bisexuality, polyamory, pansexuality, and an overall sex-positive mindset. As my sex drive increased, I discovered that a lot of things I wanted, my partner couldn't necessarily give me. Polyamory opened new doors for me to find what more was out there for me without sacrificing the good thing I had going. As I began to encounter more and more trans and nonbinary people in my life, I really embraced the pansexual identity as I worked on demolishing internalized transphobia and letting go of the gender binary overall. I worked on developing my already-present mindset of loving people on an individual basis, for all that they are, without letting labels get in the way of my appreciation of the person. Several of the people closest to me fit on the grey-ace spectrum. As someone with a high sex drive, this was something I struggled to understand at first, but it was something I wanted to try to wrap my brain around. With a good amount of patient conversation with one friend over a few months, I began to comprehend the mindsets. It made me sad to hear tales of her past relationships ending in their sexual needs being placed above her as a person. She didn't feel like she could say no. I put myself in her partners' shoes, uncertain if I would be able to keep myself and my partner happy in such a situation. And then I remembered polyamory! It has been so freeing to realize that my romantic relationships no longer have to have a direct connection to my sex drive so long as I still have one partner that wants to get it on. I could have an incredibly fulfilling romantic relationship with someone who fits on the ace spectrum without ever pressuring them into more than they're comfortable with because that is a need of mine that is met elsewhere. Once again, I have the freedom to focus on the individual, instead of any of my own selfish motives. Freedom in love comes a long way in giving freedom in life.
Hopefully you'll have more time to prepare for this conversation than this author's metamour did! And you'll probably need answers for these tough questions.
1. âArenât You Being Exploited? / Arenât You Exploiting Your Partner?â
People often assume that a polyamorous person is taking advantage of their partners, using it as an âexcuseâ to sleep around or avoid commitment.
Thanks to binary gender stereotypes, women and people who donât currently have more than one partner tend to hear, âWhy are you letting your partner do that? Youâre being exploited!â Men and people who do currently have multiple partners more often hear âArenât you taking advantage of your partners? Why canât you commit to anyone?â
2. âIsnât This Immoral and Wrong?â
Some people have a knee-jerk reaction to polyamory as âwrongâ because it violates what theyâve always thought of as a core ethic of relationships: that you are sexually faithful to your partner.
It can help to talk about the different ethics that are important in your relationships. What does it mean to you to be responsible and caring toward your partners?
3. âBut What About Our Grandchildren?â
Whether you have children or not, your parents are often going to be concerned about how polyamory will affect their grandchildren.
We donât have a lot of studies yet, but what we do have says that a polyamorous family can be just as healthy for kids as a monogamous one.
4. âDo We Have to Meet Your Other Partners?â
Planning how to introduce multiple partners to your family can be tricky, especially if theyâre very resistant to the whole idea. This is especially true if theyâve already met one of your partners, on the assumption that you were monogamous.
With holidays approaching, itâs tempting to want to push your family quickly to a place where you can bring all your partners to the big family gathering. In some families, this might work, but many will need more time to adjust to the idea.
5. âIs This Just About Sex and Perversion?â
Youâre probably already aware that many people hear polyamory and think, âORGIES!â We have to tell people over and over: âItâs not (all) about the sex.â
Unless your family is unusually open with each other about each otherâs sex lives, though, this is one you can shut down with âMom, our sex life is private, and Iâm sure you donât really want to hear about it.â
You can set the boundary here and defend it as much as you need to.
âDo you ask [monogamous sibling] about their sex life? Then why would you ask about mine?â âHow about, instead of imagining us all having sex together, you imagine us all talking about whoâs doing which household chores this week? Because believe me, that happens a lot.â
6. âWhen Will You Grow Out of It?â
Ah, every queer personâs favorite phrase!
As with many identities and choices that donât follow the path your family expected of you, they often comfort themselves â and dismiss you â by asserting that itâs just a phase.
âYouâll grow out of itâ is infuriating because it takes a deeply personal thing youâve revealed to them and turns it into just another sign of âimmaturity.â Itâs also not something you can actually argue against.
Neither of you knows the future, so thereâs no way this conversation can go but âNo I wonât!â / âYes you will!â until someone gets bored.
Instead of having the pointless future argument, itâs productive to focus on two things that are in the present: how you each feel, and how your family is going to act.
Often, âyouâll grow out of itâ stems from a fear of losing the future theyâd dreamed of for you. By telling themselves that itâs just a phase, they donât have to process any grief and loss they feel about your future.
Families often donât realize how their attempt to protect their own feelings is incredibly invalidating to you. If you feel safe addressing feelings like this with them, calling out that dynamic can be a powerful way to move forward.
7. âHow Will I Explain This to [Extended Family, Co-Workers, Whoever Else]?â
The surface question here is easy to answer: âWell, you can say everything I just told you: Itâs a loving and open relationship involving more than two people.â But whatâs underneath is often concern about being judged by others for your lifestyle choices. It also may be that theyâre using âwhat others will sayâ as a way to express their own discomfort without saying so directly.
Boundaries are good here. Itâs not your job to tell them how to navigate their other relationships.
The best approach here is to give them resources for learning about polyamory, and then let them decide how much and how to explain things to other people in their lives.
Your family may not get it right away, and thatâs okay.
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