a voice from beyond the grave

poetry account. if you think you've seen me before, it's because you have. (please do not mistake this as genuinely trying to create interesting poetry, this is a dumping ground of emotions and thoughts)

[mortuusrege]

time flies by

i hope someone comes by and rips me apart, clean in half

[mortuusrege]

there

in a crumbling house, in the crumbliest room a door underneath the table, hidden from view a deep hole underground, curving around lace around this passage, tree roots all the way down

a pool of static water, a rainbow of color swam trough, breached the surface, in front of all this wonder there, i met you

[mortuusrege]

so long

a touch of light explodes me like brilliance like death like life oh how i love it how i love you oh oh i wish it had never happened i wish it happened again and you know you know i love you you know i would cut my stomach open and throw out every little organ to make space for you and i know you won't care it's okay i get it no one has to care no one needs to care you should never feel guilty for taking what's given don't feel pressured its okay forget me forget me forget who i am never try never try to be a little kinder never try because you will regret it and thats okay i'll still be there and i'll still lay at your feet like a dog and that's what you deserve

a radiant goodbye chokes in my throat, tobacco smoke caressing every nerve i'll never be the same again, you know?

but i'm sure you'll go back to how you were as if i was just a long, bad dream

[mortuusrege]

numbache

numbness washes over me, fathomless, deep, blue i am drowning in it

i've been drowning in it.

drowning for so long that coming up for air feels wrong

and i will stay here, unfeeling, because it's so much nicer than the ache

[mortuusrege]

burdonesome

all I really want is for someone to tell me that i'm not difficult to love

i wish it was easy, i wish holding me did not hurt i wish loving me did not weigh so heavily

i wish the choice was simple, near-thoughtless like brushing one's teeth and breathing

[mortuusrege]

looking away

i realized today, i'm never really happy i'm gloomy, i'm boring, all those words i try not to be

i fill myself with fantasies, the water-weight of screens flashing and blinding and overwhelming

if i overstimulate all my senses and lay unable to exist without pain, perhaps the emptiness eating away at me will feel a little smaller

[mortuusrege]

rush

there's this rush, unlike all else

when the first slash parts flesh like it wasn't even there

the pain is never as bad as you expect it and you watch it pearl from under your skin exposed by cold metal

you, from the inside, leaking out skin that no one else has seen, beneath the outer shell downright erotic

there's this rush, unlike all else

where your body numbs and nothing really hurts so you keep going, so quick you can't even register the steel

because it feels so good to watch yourself be hurt watch you hurt yourself

[mortuusrege]

come back

there is a little piece of childhood in every word i speak a little piece of yearning for every line dug into me

i brim with sorrows until i overflow until a hand smoothes me over but the hand does not come and i spill everything until i die

[mortuusrege]

little agonies

my eyes are always a little bit wet, and my hands are always a little bit sore, and my throat is always a little bit tight, and my chest is always a little bit heavy

a little bit, always always, just a little bit

splinters stick into me a little bit, but i don't remove them because it's always, just a little bit there and it wouldn't be right to get rid of it

i deserve this much, at least right? i deserve it, so please don't take it away

i don't know what i'd do without it

[mortuusrege]

jester-ish

i'm so dramatic, you know.

how silly i am, fingers curved around my throat jester-like as i jingle along, plastering my teeth around myself

let's gouge out my eyes, because you know, it's so funny, they aren't showing me anything real

right?

what a silly thought, silly, silly, silly wouldn't it be better that way? i must be dreaming (do dreams stay this long?)

ah, my skin too. it keeps itching it keeps thinking of you itching. thinking. it's buzzing like fireflies, like your touch

let's do away with all of me because surely, surely this is all just a grand mirage and if i'm not alive to see it

then maybe it will never become real

[mortuusrege]

consumed

i am encompassed by a million people, each one takes a piece of my heart and buries it into their breast-pocket. then they give a piece of their's, and i eat it, gluttonously, slobbering and drooling

it's not enough to fill me up, but i'm so exhausted i can't eat another bite

but oh how i yearn to, yearn for a whole, beating, red organ.

a body alive and mine. freely given, freed beneath my fingertips and i swallow it whole, take it into me until i am more it than me

[mortuusrege]

disservices

my laugh must grind you so, must explode in your cranium, crushed by cymbals

my joy that overwhelms, that which comes quiet then loud that which i feel buzzing in my fingertips and running currents in my bloodstream the orchids i must crush

it must be so hard for you to see it it's awful and strange, isn't it? these intensely strong feelings— disgusting in their brightness

i will claw my throat out then so that my elation can no longer harm you my very soul, i will quiet

please look at me again

[mortuusrege]

eavesdropping

you only really talk about raising children it's always the first thing someone asks of you your nieces and your nephews, your distant cousins your distanced sisters

i listened to you talk about a show once you and your sister, late in the kitchen, smiling and laughing, touching so effortlessly

i couldn't help but cry i'm so sorry for being born

[mortuusrege]

this hole

there's a porous hole in my heart, stabbed through by paper straws. it bleeds black and red blood that stains my shirt.

despite the pain, i keep it open, sticking my fingers into the gore and, tearing against it until it gets bigger.

your scent is engraved into the black skin. and the cement i pour traps it inside, squashing it into a knife-thin nothing.

if you need it again, you're always welcome to carve another hole into me.

[mortuusrege]

around you

i think i stopped loving the person i am around you how did i let this happen?

how could you let this happen?

[mortuusrege]

willing

you know, i was so willing to change for you. any deficiency within me i was willing to edit, adapt it to your flow, do my best to make it new.

and yet you could never spare me close to the same courtesy

i am so sorry it, i, was never enough. i see now we only beckon each other to the same end

[mortuusrege]

hideous

and in a moment of anger, i thought you hideous for never saying "i love you" when you knew we would both die any day, we could be struck by some grievance and draw our last breath and i will not have had your "i love you" to recall as i died i'm sorry. it wasn't right of me. perhaps i am simply sick of begging to be loved

i said my last "i love you" to you i wonder if you even noticed