moses

I parted the red sea bitch

[moses-offical]

thoughts on burning bushes? @satan-offical

personally i thinks its overkill

[616swanda]

[moses-offical]

every once in a while I wonder why god decided to talk to me through a burning bush. Like shouldn't that be satans thing?

[helpmemiku]

WHAT HAVE I DONEEE

this isn’t fucking ok

I SWEAR IF I FIND ONE MORE OFFICAL I will gladly follow them! But still

my hubris has blinded me 😔

[moses-offical]

Hi! Official Moses here!

[moses-offical]

its pride month...shout out to the gays (aka me)

[god-offical]

We’re switching from helium-based to hydrogen-based flotation to keep Heaven floating in the stratosphere. I’m very excited, we’re even having a huge party by the gasbags, and I heard John is bringing cake and candles for the occasion

[moses-offical]

can I bring baba ganoush?

[moses-offical]

I have been reading over Exodus and it is not just G-d who helped the midwife’s and women, but also their own skill and strength.

Women had to be strong enough to birth their children on their own because they were not given the resources that Egyptian women were given. They had to do this to keep their children alive.

This just goes to show that women are the stronger sex.

This is not a miracle it is the strength of women.

[teaboot]

I tap the mic. “Most people don’t want to crawl down your chimney and steal your dog.”

the crowd murmurs uncertainly.

“If someone wants to steal your dog,” I continue, “there are easier ways to do that. They don’t have to crawl into a chimney.”

Murmuring intensifies. People stand in their seats and begin to boo.

“People disguising themselves as chimney sweepers and stealing dogs is not a rational fear,” I shout. “Literally anyone could steal your dog. Why make sweeping chimneys illegal?”

“I have a list of chimney sweeps who stole dogs from parks!” Someone yells, throwing a shoe.

“You seriously think no chimney sweepers could possibly ever steal from a home?” Another cries.

“Only a dog thief would even want to crawl into a chimney to begin with!” Says a third.

A single tear rolls down my cheek. They are all so fucking stupid

This is a metaphor

[moses-offical]

floating down the river nile as a baby was probably the most relaxed i've ever been. Its similar to being in a hammock or a lazy river