Soul:Crushed
Growing up, whenever anyone asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always had my answer ready, "An Equestrian." Easy. Even when counselors in Middle School and High School asked, my answer was unwavering.
To have been successful and actually become one, I should have been taking riding lessons since I was like.. five. As much as I asked, my mom’s answer was also unwavering, “No.”
As I graduated high school I became convinced it was no longer a feasible dream. I had no real skill other than the occasional trail ride at grandma and grandpas; no true knowledge. So I took a turn in the complete opposite direction: humans and their teeth.
I recently started taking lessons a couple months ago as I could now afford to do so on my own and the need of my mother’s permission went out the door a long time ago. 20 odd years later, I still wasn’t going to give up on my dream of at least owning a horse, competing in shows.. anything. So, when speaking to my trainer today, just a year younger than myself, I learned she was going to open up her own barn with a few trusted people; board horses, give lessons, the whole deal. The whole dream. I’m super happy for her and I will continue to take lessons with her at her new barn, but obviously this has been weighing down on me all day.
I was convinced that there was no way that this was achievable for a young person, “People get barns through families, inheritance, too expensive.. blah, blah, blah.”
My mom was outside reading when I got home this evening, so I went out and told her the happenings at the barn. “Wow,” She says, with a truly impressed look staring straight into my eyes.. she knew what I was getting at.
“That could have been me.. if I had started taking riding lessons 20 years ago.” *Radio Silence [basically]* “I asked, and I asked, and I asked. Why didn’t you let me?”
“Well you’re taking lessons now and you can afford it.”
“C’mon mom, you could have afforded a couple hundred bucks a month.” *More silence with a look that admits defeat* “I asked, and I asked.. so many times.”
“It’s not that I don’t like horses... they’re just not my thing,” she said this with a smile and a cheery tone.
“But they’ve always been my thing.”
