Shame and Inadequacy
Good news: I passed my NCLEX and I am a nurse!
Bad news: I have a strong sense of self-shame and feeling of inadequacy.
The self-shaming cycle is so vicious. I start to believe the lies I tell myself that I am not good enough and that I suck or that I’m no good. Even if I make a little mistake or its something I am completely unaware of, I still go through the cycle. I end up self-loathing and not wanting to leave my bed and just isolate myself.
The hardest part of my recovery is that there are so many habits that are ingrained in me that I have to work on changing. The problem is when I fall back into one of these habits and then realize I did, I beat myself up so much. The biggest part of all this is its not even my fault...I didn’t do anything to perpetuate these dysfunctional behaviors. I just did what I needed to protect myself emotionally.
I just passed the NCLEX and was the top in my class, and a certain family member has already made me feel inadequate. They didn’t really even say they were proud of me, and now they expect me to have a job already. I don’t have my license number yet, so it would be a waste of time applying to jobs. I just once want to feel like something I accomplished was good enough.
I woke up with this feeling of self-shame, so I tried to do the DBT skill of opposite action. I got up and cleaned and went to a coffee shop to be around people and I ended up having a nice conversation with my barista again. He made me smile and helped shift my mood and emotions. I really just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry, but I knew that wasn’t the best for me. Recovery is hard.
