motherfucking data

"make data your bitch"

[motherfuckingdata-blog]

Big data and big kitty photos... both are critical to the daily online experience of consumers.

[motherfuckingdata-blog]

"PC, you are one stone cold dead mf"

OG (original gangsta) Tony (report: "Customer Experience In The Post-PC Era") wants to shout, 'wake up mother fuckas, the PC is dead!' but he's way too chill to come out and say it. *bbwap! bbwap! git you wit my gat, you stupid Bill-Gates-lovin'-floppy-drive-jivin'-land-fill-comin'-artifact-desktop fool!* (So what if the report costs money - you need to have that shit, then memorize it so you sound a little less like an asshole in your next campaign strategy meeting.)

Basing your campaigns around PC instead of mobile means your ass will be sorry when bonus time comes around and your campaigns look like shit on your boss's fucking kindle fire. And why the hell does your boss use a kindle fire instead of an iPad like normal people? Don't ask me, you dumb fuck - you're the one who works for the cheap ass bastard. 

And if you think you're a fucking genius because you figured out responsive design for mobile, you're STILL a dumb shit. Responsive is already dead. The future is what the customer wants, when they want it, how they want it, with tech that reduces life's friction (not what you and your team of dip shits decide you want to promote).  *bbwap! bbwap!* Take that, you multi-screen fucking multi-device fucking universe.  

[motherfuckingdata-blog]

I hate fucking jargon

Why the hell can't a bunch of lame-ass English majors figure out how to fucking write a website so people can understand you? I hate fucking tech jargon. 

Here's an example. And this is one of the better ones. Just Google most any tech company and you'll see the same shit. 

 "Looking for a provider that can meet your company’s sophisticated (blah, blah, blah) needs?... With a comprehensive set of services engagements, a unique services methodology of Migrate, Operate, Evolve, and the world’s largest SaaS Global Services Organization—with more than XXX experienced services experts working around the clock—our deliverables-based services approach ensures you’ll be... blah blah blah." What... The... Fuck. 

Oh wait! There's more: 

"...proactive, strategic consultants who understand your goals and objectives, and actively identify solutions to meet your unique needs... tackle your bigger, broader initiatives... identify ways to accelerate and evolve your marketing... laser-focused on your success... maximize your investment." 

Don't you fucking realize the people who buy your shit are people, too? Don't make them work so fucking hard or feel like they need to take a freakin' night class to figure out what the fuck you can do for them. Assholes. 

But if you enjoy writing like a pompous douche-bag, here's your new Thesaurus: Web Economy Bullshit Generator  

[motherfuckingdata-blog]

"Information is not knowledge."

- Albert Einstein 

[motherfuckingdata-blog]

BIG DATA DON'T MEAN SHIT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT... WHAT TO MEASURE... HOW TO USE IT... WHERE TO GET IT.

BIG ASS MARKETING BUDGETS BASED ON, WHAT... A HUNCH?... A STORY?... AN ARTICLE YOU READ IN HBR? SERIOUSLY? YOU STUPID FUCK, ENOUGH WITH THE SMOKE AND MIRRORS. USE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DATA ALREADY.