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CDC Announces Homosexuality as Approved Contraceptive; Lesbians OK To Drink

CDC Announces Homosexuality as Approved Contraceptive; Lesbians OK To Drink

Since announcing last Wednesday that women of childbearing age should not consume alcohol unless on birth control, the CDC has released a list of approved contraceptives. Among the list: homosexuality. “It really is the safest method,” said Meghan Bough, assistant Deputy Director of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “We aren’t trying to make a political statement by any means,” she…

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Small Hamlet in Eastern Kentucky to be New U.S. Capitol, Says Cruz

Small Hamlet in Eastern Kentucky to be New U.S. Capitol, Says Cruz

The nation was stunned today when U.S. presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz announced his plan to move the Capitol of the United States of America to a small hamlet outside of Ashland, Kentucky.  At a town hall meeting in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, the candidate told reporters that if elected, he felt that moving the capitol to a rural area, “would be good for him, good for you, and good for…

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Hillary Clinton Demands Release of Bernie Sanders’s Tinder Swipes

Hillary Clinton Demands Release of Bernie Sanders’s Tinder Swipes

Just one day after Iowa cast their votes in America’s first Caucuses of 2016, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is reaching deep into her pantsuit pockets for a last ditch effort to keep her positive momentum rolling, this time requesting that Tinder releases a full analytical report of Governor Bernie Sanders’s swipes. “Politicians need to offer their constituents complete and utter…

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Conservatives Accuse Mother Nature of Left-Wing Bias

Conservatives Accuse Mother Nature of Left-Wing Bias

Washington D.C. — A recently formed group known as Creationists Undercover for Nationwide Takeover (CUNT) is lobbying against none other than Mother Nature herself. Citing her clear bias for left-wing causes and anti-Christian propaganda, founder of CUNT, John Krekkle, says, “it’s truly sickening to see how Mother Nature’s ideologies have been accepted by our society. Of course, I can’t be too…

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Apple Announces "The iVibe"

Apple Announces “The iVibe”

Apple announced a new product lineup yesterday, including the all-new MacBook and Apple Watch, along with development plans for the iVibe — an Apple vibrator that detects body rhythms, temperature, and mood to deliver what promises to be the most high-tech orgasm ever developed.

A passion project of the late Steve Jobs himself, the Apple cofounder pre-recorded a press release for the iVibe during…

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Johnny Depp to Buy Grantville, GA

Johnny Depp to Buy Grantville, GA

Outspoken technology opponent Johnny Depp has declared that he will purchase and govern his own technology-free town. The camera shy star announced via Twitter that he made an offer on Grantville, GA, which is currently listed on eBay for $680,000.

With plans to replace telephone poles with radio jammingdevices and cancel all provider agreements with telecommunication services, Depp’s  hope is to…

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Wrigley Field To Be Renamed "Trump Stadium"

Wrigley Field To Be Renamed “Trump Stadium”

Business tycoon Donald Trump bought Wrigley Field yesterday, and announced that he will be taking control of the renovations and renaming the historic ballpark “Trump Stadium.”  

Heavily endorsed by Budweiser, the original 1060 Projectwas a 4 phase, 4 year plan that focused heavily on bleacher expansion and modernizing the the century-old stadium. The first phase was due to be completed by the…

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American Apparel Unveils "Easy-Access Overalls"

American Apparel Unveils “Easy-Access Overalls”

American Apparel is responding to social media backlash after releasing their new “easy-access” overalls earlier this week.

Advertised as “A unisex, denim one-piece featuring brass buttons, a relaxed fit, and a flap for easy access.” The ‘flap’ spans the entire crotch, and while it is adorned with two buttons, it is actually secured with Velcro. While the idea behind the design seems innocent…

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Mars One Finalists Include Betty White & Sarah Silverman

Mars One Finalists Include Betty White & Sarah Silverman

Mars One, the Dutch nonprofit dedicated to colonizing the red planet, released the final list of 100 candidates to join the first mission in 2024. Ultimately, 24 passengers will be awarded a one-way ticket to the cold, desolate planet. While most finalists have backgrounds in the sciences and humanities, some surprising applicants from Hollywood made the short list as well:

Tom Hanks, chosen for…

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Beyoncé Fired By Illuminati -- Mouthwire

In the wake of Beyoncé crushing defeat to Beck in the 2015 “Album of the Year” Grammy category, the Illuminati has decided to cut ties with the superstar.

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Adam Levine Releases Lesbian Clothing Line

Adam Levine Releases Lesbian Clothing Line

Androgynes unite! Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has launched a clothing line catering exclusively to lesbians.

A t-shirt from Adam Levine’s Dapper Chic line.

The Voice co-host was inspired when he found himself at Los Angeles Girl Bar, having confused it for a strip club, and noticed he was surrounded by “beautiful women hiding under cargo shorts and camouflage.”

Levine’s line, which he calls…

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Woman Responsible for Jonas' Bulge Is Up For Nobel Prize - MOUTHWIRE

Taking into consideration the amount of A-list celebrities she’s worked with — and had her hands in the pants of — it is surprising that Karin Vikrum has only just now become a household name. “It’s quiet industry. You do your job, you go home, you don’t talk about it. You have confidentiality agreements, security …

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Left-Handed People Now Eligible for Disability - MOUTHWIRE

As of February 1st, people suffering from severe cases of left-handedness may be eligible to receive social security benefits. Lefties everywhere celebrated a long awaited victory with the passing of the Justice for Dexterously Challenged Act, which adds left-handedness to the growing list of recognized disabilities. The JDC Act was readily welcomed by President Barack …