Mr. Bloom's Diary

[mr-bloom-1]

Just in case. I'm sorry if my English is bad.😂💔

[mr-bloom-1]

How do people ever understand their own feelings? How do they know, for certain, that they are truly happy in this moment? That they genuinely love this friend? That they love themselves and can see themselves as human beings, without all these distorted thoughts?

[mr-bloom-1]

Why might a person wake up in the middle of their sleep just to feel depressed???

Bro u really hate my salf so much

[mr-bloom-1]

I hate myself.. I don't know why.. But I've never felt like I love myself

[lilacdollie4]

[mr-bloom-1]

Really guys.. How do you set such big ambitions and goals for your lives?? How do you know what you want in this life???

[mr-bloom-1]

I’m losing the desire to do anything in my life.

It started years ago… I began to slowly lose interest in many things I used to enjoy, like walking, watching series, working out, reading , learning anything new or useful for myself and my life.

And now I’ve reached this point… I literally have no desire to do anything at all… even though I know I should be doing many things to improve my life and my future.

Six months with no job, and without improving my skills to help me find a better one… even though the resources are available. I have a great PC that makes learning anything I need easy… but I have no desire. I don’t enjoy anything anymore.

The worst part is that I actually know, to a large extent, some of the reasons behind what I’ve become now… phone and social media addiction, pornography addiction, leaving myself alone with my thoughts and my mind, constantly seeking to be around others… and recently, a severe vitamin D deficiency—which, when low, makes my depression and lethargy much worse.

But I feel trapped here… no desire for anything… and unfortunately, I don’t even have a goal or a point I’m trying to reach.

I’m 23, and I still don’t even know what I want my life to look like… I don’t know what kind of life would make me happy… I don’t know if the major I graduated from (with honors, by the way) is actually what I want or what I want to work in.

I’m not lost… I’m off the map entirely… I don’t even exist.

[mr-bloom-1]

Fuck my loneliness.

[mr-bloom-1]

Never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate myself.

[mr-bloom-1]

I completed 6 months since graduation today… 6 months of depression and crushing loneliness.

I haven’t found a job yet, while all my friends have been employed and started moving on with their lives—except for me, still standing in the same place without any progress.

I could have used these 6 months to develop myself and work more on my portfolio, but instead I chose to waste my time on trivial things and blame myself for being stuck.

Six months of my life were lost without taking a single step forward—on the contrary, I started falling back even more. I gained weight, and depression took a stronger and stronger hold on me.

On top of all that, there’s an overwhelming loneliness… I no longer see my friends like we did back in university. My social energy is no longer constantly full as it used to be. I barely see anyone once every two weeks; life alone is incredibly painful.

[mr-bloom-1]

Happiness is not tied to the people we love.

[mr-bloom-1]

I hate myself

I hate that I can't love, hate, or control my feelings toward the people around me

I don't know how people can love themselves

I really really hate myself

[mr-bloom-1]

I'm tired... just tired.

I don't know who I am in life… or where I am… or what I am.

There are so many shitty things in my life I wish I could change.

I start my day full of energy, telling myself I have to get better, improve, and become the best version of myself…

Then two hours later, I'm worse than I was before.

[mr-bloom-1]

I think I'm an attention whore

[mr-bloom-1]

I think I need a therapist

[mr-bloom-1]

Hate people who think kids actually get anything. Like, your fucking child blinked twice and you're out here screaming ‘Oooooh He's so smart!!’ — bitch , shut the fuck up. He's a mindless goblin with zero self-awareness zero personality zero IQ

Please shut the fuck up

[mr-bloom-1]

Yesterday, "SH A" went back to Canada.

And maybe… that was the last time I’ll ever be in the same country as her.

It’s strange. Our friendship ended almost two years ago. We had one last conversation about a year ago.. we said what needed to be said, and we ended things. For real. Peacefully.

But still… I never really stopped looking up at her window every time I walked past her house.

Just to check. Was the light on? Was she awake? Working? Wasting time?

Next time I walk that street, her window will be dark.

And I’ll feel it.. the emptiness.

But I’ll keep walking. That’s just life.

I truly wish her well in the life she’s heading toward.

And if, by some twist of fate, I ever see her again…

I hope she’s smiling. I hope she’s happy.