#saddness

[strawbabylizzy]

yeah I'm not arguing with a man with a slutty waist and a deep profound sadness in his eyes like whatever you say beautiful

[polyplumbob]

I had a vivid dream that the Sims Mobile servers came partially back online. Like you could go play with sims in CAS, buy/build and non-event actions; but couldn't do events yet. :( All my sims were there.

[reallyhardnerd]

My birthday is here

and so are the birthday blues

Maybe I’ve always expected magic

some quiet proof that I am loved

Instead

the silence only grows

echoing louder than it shows

I do want candles and confetti

more glitter more light

just for one night

But most of all

I want to feel warm

to feel chosen

to feel like I’m held

But somehow

I never do

My birthday is here

and so are the birthday blues

- RT

[tinydescriptor]

An old abandoned shelf

January 23, 2023

The word sad isn't enough. I've seen grief in the movies but never like this. What I feel can't be put into words or pictures, I don't even feel anymore. Half of my heart belonged to my mother and that part is now gone.

Abandoned.

When I first heard she passed my eyes were only sweating but now that I see and it's really real my eyes are burning like a flood of boiling water.

I cry then cry again and just when I'm finished I'm not.

This was one of my biggest fears. I don't mind if I die, If I'm dead, I'm dead. I did some good things and now I'm gone, but when it's people around me who die it is too painful.

It's like when your sea castle gets washed away but you can't rebuild it this time.

People are halfway like plants

They both die at some point.

I wish people were all the way like plants So they could come back in the spring.

January 26, 2023

My sister says i should stop eating dinner in my room and eat with everyone else but what i eat really isn't even dinner because dinner was what mom made, not chinese food or spaghetti.

They make plans for the burial as if she didn't just die recently. Why do they want to put her away already? They talk about her favorite songs and colors and they laugh, then they sigh, then they get sad, then someone says “look on the bright side” what bright side? The only thing bright was her smile and hugs and cooking and voice, which are all gone.

Abandoned.

They must really hate my mom if they're “okay” with this. My life must really hate me if it's okay with this.

I am not okay with this.

I cry then cry again and just when I'm finished I'm not.

January 29, 2023

At church the pastor gave my family his condolences then he said “everything happens for a reason”

At that moment I wanted to yell at him because what do you mean? What was the reason? There was no reason at all.

February 5, 2023

Her burial is in 3 days. Now I know she's not coming back, not now and not during spring. I went out with my friends and I laughed a lot but after laughing I was quickly reminded of my mom and suddenly nothing was funny anymore.

I miss you so much mom. Please come back. There is so much I wanted to do first. Please just give me a hug and tell me you love me then you can pass, just give me one more hug. Mom, I love you. If everyone else forgets you I won't.

February 8, 2023

I take one last look at her casket. She looks like an old abandoned shelf. I realize this is the end of her. Why do people exist if they're just going to die anyway.

I see her in a casket but it feels like i'm the one that's dead Maybe it should've been me instead

When mom smiled she would shine

I just wish that she had more time

Her death is the worst of crimes.

February 24, 2023

I've been talking to my family and talking to my friends. I genuinely feel okay, no more pretend

I still miss my mom, I still love her and wherever she is, if she even is anywhere, I know she still loves me because love lasts through everything, even death.

I still cry then cry again and just when i'm finished im actually finished, sometimes.

February 28, 2023

I went to her grave today and I talked to her about what I've been doing and what I miss about her. I'm sitting on top of where her casket is and I imagine that casket, that old abandoned shelf, her body inside.

My eyes start leaking like broken pipes and my half a heart aces.

I stop because... well there is nothing to cry about. The half of my heart that belonged to my mom is still with me because my mom is still here with me as long as I remember her.

A dead person is like an old abandoned shelf

but there is nothing sad about an old abandoned shelf.

When you look at that shelf look closely at the books and the stories that have their memories written inside, and smile because you know that those stories have meaning and happy morals and even if some of the pages aren't finished at least they were started and they were not written for nothing.

Cherish the pages you were a part of and keep the sentences in your heart so that they can stay a part of your own story,

And love that shelf, like no one else, for eternity.

[onlyvicurious]

I hope the sight of bookstores breaks your heart. I hope the smell of dust reminds you of the way I would obsess over the smell of old books. I hope you see a Barnes and Noble and remember how I would get lost in the shelves for hours. I hope you miss the light I got in my eyes when you gave me a book for my birthday. I hope you can never see yellowed pages and faded covers again. I hope you see bookends and think of the yellow duck one you welded just for me. I hope the sound of the turn of a page makes you look for me curled up in a corner lost in a book. I hope you see soft yellow lamps and squishy basket chairs and remember that was where I was most comfortable. I want you to see all of the moments I was actually happy and it breaks your heart. I hope the sight of a Harry Potter book brings you to your knees with the agony of someone stabbing your heart.

I got a tattoo of my favorite Harry Potter quote on my arm. "Expecto Patronum". I didn't just love the symbolism behind the charm that a happy thought could drive away all the dark depressing feelings. I loved the Latin meaning "I await a guardian". I always thought you would be my guardian, protecting me from the hell of my own mind and keeping a smile on my face. Now all I can do is cry into my pillow and hope I find someone else who can guard me from you.

[darthschabba]

America at 250. Sad.

[mcchuggychara]

101

Happy 101 posts to me.

For some reason this milestone doesn't make me happy.

It's been 5 days since I came into existence.

Heres to 101 more posts tagged with whump that have absolutely no relation to whump.

I hate myself

Whump.

[supersnowyfox]

I feel so stupid

You guys ever feel like you have to cry and your alone in your room or somewhere? But then your head starts yelling at you saying that you're weak and stupid and pathetic if you do? So you just shut up and smile and hate yourself more?

And you want to stop. You really wanna cry and just let it all out and spill your feeling all over the floor. But you can't. And won't.