Just for myself, I’d like to add that this translates into work environments as well. I present as feminine but I carry myself in a fairly masculine way, and I’m relatively tall among Asians, for context. I’m not always called cute (altho sometimes I am and it’s honestly kind of scary to hear someone who’s physically bigger and taller than me say that, bc it gives me a sense that they think they’re higher up on the hierarchy than me).
In my career, it’s not that I’m called cute, but I’m called “shy.” The most common feedback I get is “be more confident” and “speak up more.” I thought this was normal or maybe I was just shy until talking with my asian colleagues and finding out that every single one of us has gotten the same feedback at least once, but more often than not, multiple times. We’re all very different people. If it was just me, you could make an argument for me being shy, but if it’s all of us - that’s racism. My white colleagues who do identify as shy have told me they’ve never gotten feedback like that.
This might not sound so bad, but we live in a society where confidence and proactiveness are viewed as the marks of leaders. That’s why Asians are shut out of leadership positions. That’s why people ignore what I say and only listen if a non asian says it later and louder. That’s why people sometimes what feels like deliberately misunderstand what I say bc I couldn’t possibly lead the discussion.
People have said to me, “this is just asian culture,” but I strongly disagree. Firstly, you’ve never been to an asian market or seen some aunties bicker over majong. Secondly, non Asians think we’re loud as soon as someone drops a “ni hao ma” in the library so clearly, it’s not our culture.
To get kind of esoteric here, I’d argue there’s two parts to it. One, there is absolutely a self fulfilling prophecy where if I’m told I’m not confident enough times, I’ll believe it, and I’ll behave less confidently.
However, the second (and I think main) part is just plain old racism. People think Asians are quiet and unassuming and unfeeling and they see us that way no matter what we do. And if we get loud, we become tiger moms and gunner Asians (something I’m constantly aware of at work, bc I do rely on my colleagues evaluations).
It could be argued that being viewed as “not a threat” is not a bad thing, but again, I must disagree. Although people think this means we get to fly under the radar, the reality is it means we are free game to be taken advantage of. Asians often will be pushed to work the longest and hardest and do better because “that’s how Asians are” “Asians are just smarter” “Asians like to work” (devaluing our work). Then there’s OP’s point, where it affects gender identity - because Asians are viewed as emasculated as a race. And further along OP’s point, where Asians are seen as easy targets for physical violence because we’re smaller.
(This is honestly most annoying among liberal whites because they have decided they’re educated about blm and therefore are the most woke and know everything about everywhere else.)
Sorry this was rambly, I just had thoughts for myself to catalogue