Muse to a Reprobate

Please be gentle, I bruise easily.

[mrhaitch]

Some Sort of Introduction

Hello world, I guess.

Before I begin - please appreciate how bizarre this is from my end, to now and only now be rearing my head in a community that seems to know a little too much about me already. Still, it's good manners to say hello properly.

So: hello.

I'm Mr Haitch, which is as good a name as any, and my wife writes things that people enjoy. Perhaps enjoy isn't the right word - inhale, inhabit, imbibe maybe. Her work is phenomenal and it's been a joy and a privilege to watch from the side lines.

As for myself, I'll just go through the necessary:

I'm thirty-one, currently hold three degrees (undergrad, masters, PHD), taught Literature for two years at a university (no I won't say which one), and currently work in outreach primarily with refugees from Afghanistan.

Yes I do write and have published, no I won't say where. I also play lead guitar in a thrash metal band which is experiencing some (modest) success, and no I won't say which.

As you might have guessed I'll be doing my best to keep this all fairly anonymous and I hope you will all understand and respect that.

Ground rules:

I will answer almost anything, as candidly and honestly as I can while still respecting the privacy of everyone involved.

Follow me if you like, but I won't follow back.

Please, for the love of god, no more dick questions.

There will be more rules if people can't behave.

The sarcasm will continue until morale improves.

Good? Good.

On that note, pleasure to meet you all - despite being the sick, depraved heathens your reading tastes purport you to be.

-Mr Haitch

[mrhaitch]

Hello!! so basically im someone who hasnt ever had alcohol and i recently turned 21 and i was wondering how alcohol in general feels like? I've heard about people getting hung over but people are also addicted to that stuff? nobody around me has ever had alcohol so if you've had it then if you dont mind, could you share some experiences and tips to handling it well?

First things first, people will try to get you wrecked on purpose - I don't know how it is in your country, but in the UK there's an old tradition of hazing new drinkers by pressuring them to drink pretty much everything and anything.

Second: take all drink recommendations with a pinch of salt. The first time you go out, people will insist you have to try this, and try that. Mixing your drinks will get you drunk faster and you will have a bad time.

Pick something you've always been curious about. Then stick with that thing for that first time, is what I can recommend. Admittedly, on my 18th I ended up slamming down wine, beer, whiskey, shots of some fruit liqueur, and absinthe. Needless to say, I stank of vomit by the end of it.

As for how it feels: if you've drunk the right amount, then it's like a warm buzz. You feel a bit weightless, a friend to mankind. I've been known to hug people when I'm drunk. If you've gone over the edge, it's the worst case of vertigo: you're a POV camera strapped to a roller coaster controlled by a lunatic. You watch yourself stagger and trip and mumble or shout, unsure why you're doing what you're doing, but here you are doing it.

Drink in moderation, kids, and only around people you trust.

[mrhaitch]

a bakery opened near my place and im confused about what to get

do i get a) red velvet cookies

or

b) classic choco chip cookies

Croissant or pan au raisin with coffee.

All other choices are invalid.

[mrhaitch]

😭😭 this is probably a really inappropriate thing to send to you but-

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW5RCCKDHmS/?igsh=MTI4dDB1NGZuN213

I have no idea why it reminded me of you immediately Mr Haitch but it should be at least a little bit funny...... Right?

...no.

[mrhaitch]

hi mr haitch! sorry if this is depressing 😓 but i just wanna ask, how do you keep on living through these 💀interesting times💀, especially when different parts of the world are actively doing horrendous things that conflict your morals/beliefs (i.e fascism), and still have hope in you, even when time & time again, humanity seem to have failed itself?

i really don't have any trusted adult to talk about this (i live in a conservative country....and im a woman....ha ha ha), and while i do have friends that i share the same beliefs with, i just want to know what's your opinion about this because i think you have enough wisdom than a 19 yr old 🫡

life gets tiring sometimes cuz wdym i still have to study for exams while the powerful countries are starting (potential nuclear) wars to distract people from how their leaders are pedophiles- can someone stop this year for a sec

(i'm sorry again if this is too depressing ;-;)

I don't have a clear answer for this, as I am struggling with this as well - I think everyone is, to tell the truth. Most of my colleagues are of the blue collar, "gunboats in the Thames", "Tommy Robinson is our saviour" type so, even at my age, I still feel like an outlier and a weirdo for being horrified by all this shit.

Most of the students I teach have similar fascistic leanings, gleaned from parents and social media, and I spend far too much time talking to them about their views and opinions. I'm forbidden from taking an open stance, but I can talk factually about things, correcting their assumptions. Most ignore me, some get angry, and a very slim minority go quiet and thoughtful and I hope I've nudged the needle just a little.

In truth, short of direct action against our governments that's all that many of us can do: little nudges, trying to convince one person rather than a thousand. Focus on the small, daily kindnesses that undermine the fascistic narrative.

I also lean more and more into storytelling, into books, and films, and art: not as an escape, but because art allows us to fix periods of time or ideas or beliefs in amber. We can step back and look at them without being threatened by them, and then return to our lives feeling a little restored or empowered.

(Also watching Andor helps. God I love that show)

Oh! And music! There's a wealth of antifascist protest songs out there, which are good for a little pick-me-up. A few favourites:

[mrhaitch]

Since you teach seventeen year olds, what's one slang or meme that's stuck with you because of them?

Sliming, for murdering. At first I thought it meant something very, very different.

Peak, which apparently means something is bad or rubbish. I find that one particularly annoying.

And there's a whole host of them who are into one of these new manosphere guys, Gymskin, who keep asking me to 'drop the shoulder'. I'll give it another week and then threaten to drop them.

[pseudowho]

are you hot? why do i get the vibe of hot girl vibes.

Absolutely not.

-- Haitch xxx

[mrhaitch]

Like a thousand suns.

[pseudowho]

I have reminded your husband to say 'i love you' to you, your children and yalls loved ones

NOW

idk i just hope you guys let each know how much you love and cherish each other

Hi!

As a man who constantly makes his wife (me) and his babies feel loved and appreciated and adored, he was actually fairly insulted by this; even if your intentions are good, it's fairly assuming to project any feelings you have regarding men making their wives feel unappreciated, onto him.

I'm told incessantly how loved I am. It's always about my soul, and not my body. It's shown in gestures too; the solidity of always being there, and reliable. He's been through a rough patch lately, and it's taken a lot out of him. He recognises if he's ever let me down, and makes moves to fix it.

He really is an excellent man. Please always assume that to show us practical, emotional, and physical affection, is his baseline.

This isn't me being dearly horribly offended and self-righteous, so don't feel rejected; just a gentle reminder that I'm incredibly fortunate to have what a lot of women look for from a husband.

Our sons aren't fed any toxic masculinity. They have received an early and ongoing education in consent, how to love someone, expressing themselves emotionally, and more. They are hugged and kissed and played with just as much by him, as me.

Thank you for being concerned about us though. Rest assured, we're in good hands, and so is he.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[mrhaitch]

Gentle reminder that though we may share certain insights or aspects of our marriage and home life, this is not an invitation for you to become involved or offer either of us guidance or advice unless we ask for it.

Further to this: respectfully, though I am a biological male who was raised in a patriarchal society, I have done and will continue to do my level best to uproot that in my own behaviours and attitudes. I do not need any encouragement to be more affectionate or explicit about my feelings towards my wife and sons, because I'm already on the verge of annoying them. If I were MORE affectionate, they're liable to murder me and hide my body in the garden just to get some peace.

[mrhaitch]

What do you think of this absolute masterpiece Mr Haitch?

https://youtube.com/shorts/Tcvu47Hmd-U?si=6Q5DI5J5A-yuxnSp

I've always thought that all artists should endeavour to lift one another up, to embrace and valorise art wherever it may be found, whatever the medium.

Except poets who are mewling, self indulgent hedonists who deserve nothing but our contempt. THIS has done nothing to change or alter that view.

(I am of course kidding. Poets aren't worthy of our contempt. But I will shoot any that happens upon my lawn)

P.S. The fuck is an Olive Garden?

[mrhaitch]

Hi Mr Haitch!

I hope this ask finds you well!

I’m a big fan of your wife’s work and I have a deep respect and appreciation for your line of work as well, as I wish to be a university teacher as well, one day.

I have a question to ask you, and I hope this doesn’t sound too weird or make you uncomfortable in any way, but seeing as you’re the first university professor I stumble upon on a platform that allows for anonymous asks, I thought I’d ask you.

So, here goes: have you ever felt like one of your students was trying to cross personal boundaries with you in a way that is inappropriate? If yes, what kinds of behaviours would be a red flag in your opinion?

I ask because I admittedly happen to have a dumb little crush on my professor, that I would obviously absolutely NOT do anything about in any shape, way or form, but at the same time I sincerely look up to the guy like A LOT! He’s a great professor, truly passionate and intelligent guy, and his way of approaching his work and his students is so open minded and understanding. Like, unfortunately I’m a little attracted to the guy but honestly I just really really look up to him and would genuinely just like to know him a little better. He seems to be a very interesting person even outside of our common academic field- related interests (meaning he’s a nerd and I sometimes overheard him talking about some movies and bands that I love), so sometimes I just ask him questions and talk to him outside of classes and during these interactions I’m afraid my minute (or not so minute, idk tbh) crush could potentially show; I’d absolutely HATE for that to be the case and I’d HATE to make him uncomfortable in any shape, way or form especially because he’s very young (not even a decade older than me) and I’d hate for him to think I’d actually try to cross any boundaries.

So yeah, I was just wondering if it ever happened to you that a student gave you THAT kind of vibe and if yes what behaviours did you find to be disturbing?

I really, really hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable and please do feel free to ignore this ask if it does, I would 100% understand.

Additionally, I apologize for any mistakes I might have made in this … quite long ramble. English isn’t my native language and, although I hope to be at a point in my life where I get to be seamless enough in one of the languages I aim to get a degree in, I am but a student of the craft lol.

PS: I was heartbroken to learn your disliking of english linguistics, I wish I could brainwash everyone into liking phonetics, but I understand that I need to accept that most people do not, in fact, like linguistics in the slightest. I’ll probably die livid about it though.

I don't really have any experience of this, but my mentor and former supervisor was very popular with some female students. He's about six foot five, jacked, and has a permanent thunderous expression on his face (he was actually very nice, mildly spoken, and I know for a fact the one time he got into a physical confrontation, the other person started it and my mentor felt ill throughout the whole thing). He managed these students and their infatuations by being utterly oblivious to the situation, the whole time. Even now he probably thinks they were just very hardworking and attentive.

So long as you're not making any deliberate overtures or attempts to pursue them, I'd say you're fine and don't need to worry. They're probably not even aware there's anything further to it.

[mrhaitch]

hello mr haitch! bit of an odd request today- so ive got a speech coming up, we're told we can choose wtvr topic we want to talk about but the catch is its supposed to be done in 5 mins max. now i dont wanna do something lame but talking about something cool and niche would force me to take more than 5 mins and i dont wanna go and search for topics using chatgpt either, could you pls help?

Hah. I'm in the midst of doing this with my own students (also around five minutes). General advice:

Choose a topic you care about and can explain factually and in sufficient depth. Avoid anything that's too opinion based (like politics) and shoot for something factual. I've had students deliver talks about car engines, or Metallica, or hair styling tips, or Alice in Chains.

It's not necessarily important what the topic is, or if the topic is impressive or interesting in itself, but that it's something you can discuss and explain with a decent amount of detail.

Best of luck.

[mrhaitch]

As someone who does not intend on having kids AT ALL, what are some replies i can give to people that keep convincing me that having kids is the most magical and wonderful thing ever, or people who are just straight up rude.

Failing that, make it very clear that it's rude to regularly pester someone about their life choices or what they do with their genitals.

But, I wouldn't really know. I'm one of those fools who had not one, but three children.

[mrhaitch]

Just wanted to, briefly, share this:

Interview | Will Self on the End of Satire, the Rise of Fascism and Writing His Own Death - The London Magazine

Alex Dommett speaks to Will Self about his recent health, the end of satire, the crisis of reading and more.

Will Self is one of those authors that I begrudgingly admire. Not necessarily for the quality of his writing (I tried and hated Umbrella), but for the persona he embodies in public spaces: the sardonic artiste who treats the wealthy and the powerful with utter disdain.

He also says one thing in this interview which I think is very, very true:

"Someone who can’t read a book cannot deliberate, cannot think and cannot conceptualise, and therefore is a threat – particularly humans who, instead of conceptualising in isolation and being able to think inside their own heads, only think through their engagement with others. That’s where fascism gets going, or social movements that depend on a kind of hysterical level of identification. What books and the ability to read books do is present a barrier that prevents you from being able to avoid moral deliberation at some point."

This is part of the reason why I heavily advocate reading, especially for those who want to write and write well: more than learning the craft of writing, reading is essential for learning the content of your own mind, and fostering the skill of stepping out of a situation and thinking it through. There is a huge skill deficit when it comes to deliberation: too much of our thinking is reactive, too many of our opinions come from those around us, or our culture, or our teachers.

So, for the love of everything, read a book.

[mrhaitch]

loved your reblog for mrs.haitch's amazing work, and the 'how does she write so good?' question, and I have a few questions of my own if you don't mind

1. lots of writers talk about their strengths in writing, but how do you find your own strength? i've been writing for years and I can't find anything that stands out especially as good and that frustrates me

2. how significant really is reading? actually really? I admit i've only ever really been a fanfic reader, but some of these are as long as if not longer than books and I feel like there's a lot of prejudice towards only reading fanfic

3. what do you consider haitch's greatest writing strength? and what do you consider yours?

4. what do you consider haitch's greatest writing weakness (if she's okay with you saying)? and your own?

tysm in advance!

1. Time, practice, and seeking feedback. A lot of the time we're lost in the sauce, unable to identify our own patterns until someone lays them out for us. Join a group of writers in your community or online, exchange feedback.

2. More important than you can ever realise. It's not exactly what you're reading, but the act of immersing yourself in language and stories and ideas. I also emphasised that you have to read WIDELY. Even if you want to write fantasy or horror or science fiction or crime or whatever, you need to step out of your genre. Read a poetry collection, or a book about Nostradamus, or economic theory. Change your patterns regularly and if you find a bad book, or something that doesn't thrill you, try to figure out what's putting you off and why. You can learn a lot from an utter stinker.

3. Characterisation and phrasing. Haitch is able to conjure a kind of lyricism I can only read with envy. For myself? I don't know, I think I'm a bit of a plodder in my writing: it's functional, the story and the ideas are more important to me. I'm quite good at action scenes.

4. She occasionally dips into purple prose, or sometimes invents terms that don't quite stick. We both laugh about it regularly, particularly one from her most recent novel. As for myself: I can be very impatient and skip past a lot of necessary detail or description, especially if I'm less than convinced by a scene I'm writing. Often find I have to add more to a manuscript when editing, rather than take away.

[mrhaitch]

Adding to that point about reading widely, this is the random assortment of books on my desk that I'm dipping in and out of.

I've got short story collections, a few novels on my TBR pile, several books on political theory, one metaphilosophical text, and I think that's a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style which is utterly indispensable.

In the bag I take to work I've got two Fantasy novels, a grimoire (research purposes only) and one or two other bits.

[mrhaitch]

loved your reblog for mrs.haitch's amazing work, and the 'how does she write so good?' question, and I have a few questions of my own if you don't mind

1. lots of writers talk about their strengths in writing, but how do you find your own strength? i've been writing for years and I can't find anything that stands out especially as good and that frustrates me

2. how significant really is reading? actually really? I admit i've only ever really been a fanfic reader, but some of these are as long as if not longer than books and I feel like there's a lot of prejudice towards only reading fanfic

3. what do you consider haitch's greatest writing strength? and what do you consider yours?

4. what do you consider haitch's greatest writing weakness (if she's okay with you saying)? and your own?

tysm in advance!

1. Time, practice, and seeking feedback. A lot of the time we're lost in the sauce, unable to identify our own patterns until someone lays them out for us. Join a group of writers in your community or online, exchange feedback.

2. More important than you can ever realise. It's not exactly what you're reading, but the act of immersing yourself in language and stories and ideas. I also emphasised that you have to read WIDELY. Even if you want to write fantasy or horror or science fiction or crime or whatever, you need to step out of your genre. Read a poetry collection, or a book about Nostradamus, or economic theory. Change your patterns regularly and if you find a bad book, or something that doesn't thrill you, try to figure out what's putting you off and why. You can learn a lot from an utter stinker.

3. Characterisation and phrasing. Haitch is able to conjure a kind of lyricism I can only read with envy. For myself? I don't know, I think I'm a bit of a plodder in my writing: it's functional, the story and the ideas are more important to me. I'm quite good at action scenes.

4. She occasionally dips into purple prose, or sometimes invents terms that don't quite stick. We both laugh about it regularly, particularly one from her most recent novel. As for myself: I can be very impatient and skip past a lot of necessary detail or description, especially if I'm less than convinced by a scene I'm writing. Often find I have to add more to a manuscript when editing, rather than take away.

[pseudowho]

im sooo obsessed with your writinggggg, please tell me how you write so well.... /srs (pllsplsplsplsplpls)

Honestly, I don't know. I started writing just over 2 years ago. While I'm an avid reader, and have always played word games, verbal reasoning games, and arithmetic games in my head, I've otherwise never considered myself a 'creative'. I was always more of a science brain girl. Just a literature addict.

I view a scene cinematically and feel it, and write it. That's it, basically. I can't tell you anything else.

Sorry? But thank you. I'm really glad you like it.

I'm always so interested in the craft, though. I love playing with narrative form for effect. Manipulation of the English language for effect is super fun.

Sorry again 🙃🤡

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[mrhaitch]

What she doesn't say and what isn't necessarily noticed by others, either for Haitch or other skilled writers, is the period BEFORE they start writing. She has always read voraciously and widely. And I mean that. It didn't matter if it was an obstetric textbook, a horticultural tome, or the shlockiest pulp novel you can imagine, Haitch read them all.

The value of regular and wide reading cannot be emphasised enough. You absorb so much through sheer osmosis: language, grammar, phrasing, story structure, fragments of characterisation. If you're ever struggling with your own writing, hit the books. If you ever want to grow, go to a secondhand bookshop and grab an armful of paperbacks you would've never previously looked at.

[mrhaitch]

Mr haitch did you really go bald because you have so much aura that even God needed to nerf you? 😭😭😭 (Speaking like your gen z students to see if it gets to you lmao)

I went bald because I have a triple crown: my hair swirls two different ways at the back and then another at the front. My hairline receded a little bit, but the third crown made it seem more extreme than it was.

As a consequence, I now have people confessing their most racist and bigoted opinions to me because they assume I'm one of them.

[pseudowho]

Just to clarify:

@mrhaitch is preemptively calling himself bald because he is terrified of going bald like his father.

The truth is, he thinned a tiny bit at two spots near the front, panicked, and made me shave off all of his beautiful blond hair.

I had issues with this at the time as I have issues with it now but I am a supportive fucking wife so if he insists I shave his head then well I suppose I shave his head and I'm definitely not sulking about this at all

(I'm fine, it's his body)

In short: he's not bald. Ignore him. He's just an idiot.

-- Haitch xxx

[mrhaitch]

Someone's mean today.

(I'm growing it back. Eventually)