stargatherer

Astrophysicist in Training Astrophotographer at Night Always giving everyone an existential crisis. ✨

[msannabiz]

I think it’s funny that I thought this would go so hard on tumbler back in the day.

:2012

[msannabiz]

Yesterday all day I was crying because I missed my little girl.

When I was walking back to my apartment, before I entered door, there was a little bird sitting on the rail and it just looked at me. I looked at it, and I think it was the first sign that she’s still here with me. Just watching.

I finally saw a sign.

I just miss her so much.

[msannabiz]

I don’t know if is the PMDD, but I just woke up with no energy, couldn’t get out bed, and I just can’t stop crying.

I walk by her little memorial I made and light a candle and just pray as hard as I can for peace.

I just want my little girl back.

I made the wrong fucking choice.

I want my little girl back so badly.

[msannabiz]

Today is fucking day.

Fuck today.

Fuck it all.

[msannabiz]

It’s thankgiving.

Putting the phone down.

Enjoying the day with her.

1 more day.

[msannabiz]

I finally got my medicine back.

Talking to strangers at petco, in the drive through…just talking to random people has oddly helped me cope a lil better today.

We had a lil Christmas, and she got 4 pig ears, a meat bone and some Cheetos.

Ate 3 of the ears and lol snuck more than she should have of the Cheetos.

We went to a Christmas light drive thru. She really honestly loved it. She was so anxious before, but watching the lights, she calmed down.

I couldn’t thank god for anything else.

This was something I wanted to do with her more around Christmas, but I got to do it today. I still got to do it with her here.

I couldn’t be more grateful.

[msannabiz]

I’m so sad. Why can’t I keep her…..

[msannabiz]

No muzzle last night. Slept like a baby.

I don’t have my meds at the current moment.

I think it’d help.

[msannabiz]

She had to sleep with her muzzle on all night.

Some things got a lil scary yesterday, and I’m just praying I don’t have to do this again, but for right now, she’s calmed down.

I hate seeing her so unhappy.

In the end she ended up sleeping against my back all night.

[msannabiz]

I can tell that she’s sick.

There are starting to be instances that are scary. She’s going thru. Psuedo pregnancy and being more territorial and she growled t me earlier.

I hate seeing her like this.

I wish this never happened.

[msannabiz]

So I know that dogs feel people’s emotions and they can tell.

I’ve been just lazy all day chillin with Gigi but I’ve been crying, not eating, laying in bed crying, singing to her with my voice cracking…and idk she seems off today too. Not like a bad mood but just…idk a little more…sleepy and less energetic.

Her breathing is normal, and she’s still moving around, did some mental stimulation but then she went in her crate. I even left to go to the Amazon locker downstairs to pick up a package. I left her crate open and normally when I do that, and she’s not just crated up, she starts to bark and whine and complain like I’m not coming back.

She…didn’t do that. She did go look out the window to watch me I guess, but idk, she’s just….really lazy as well today. Idk.

I also think maybe I’m over feeding her now too. Like I’m honestly realllllyyyy spoiling her. So maybe she just needs to sleep it off, but I’m not trying to make her sick before she has to go. You know? At least I’m just gonna chill with her all day today and if I leave, I’m taking her with me.

I’m just as tired too.

I’m just really exhausted.

I keep thinking about how after this week I’m going to be able to sleep in for the first time in 5 months.

I don’t really like that thought.

[msannabiz]

I was just thinking about how I was trying to figure out what I’d get for my apartment when I moved it. What’s colors and everything. I chose mostly blue stuff it there were options of blue. Why? Because dogs really only see things that are blue and yellow. I’m glad I figured that out before I bought everything. I made sure the kitchen stuff was blue. Her food bowl and placemat were blue. My comforter and blankets were blue. My furniture was blue.

Don’t get me wrong blue is my favorite color, but I’m just glad she had a lot of blue surrounding her while she’s been with me. A big blue comfy comforter to lay on and fall asleep with.

I’m just so upset. I’m trying to take all the photos and videos I can, but also not trying to focus on that and just watch her and enjoy the moments as well.

My memory isn’t the best and it’s hard for me to picture things. I think it’s because I smoked weed for so long. There are things I don’t remember but people remember so clearly.

The brain is funny that way. I just don’t want to forgot or not be able to picture the details.

I want it all.

[msannabiz]

We got to sleep in this morning. Both of us went to bed late.

She got a good breakfast.

Air fried chicken and rice

Pumpkin

Treats mixed in there

And a meat ball too top it off.

I’ve been crying so much that right now I think I’m just all cried out. I’ve noticed that I’ve been in denial as of right now. Just been praying every morning that I’ll get to see her again. I’ve been looking up bible versus and trying to figure out if we get to see our animals again.

I’ve found many versus that could imply we do.

Such as psalms 36:6

“Your righteousness is like the mountains of God; Your judgments are like the great deep. Lord, You protect mankind and animals.”

‭‭personally, how can God let us have a love for animals and they not be there after? He created them. He loves them just like us.

I have to believe that he lets them wait for us in the afterlife. There’s no way he wouldn’t.

She’s my little baby.

I know I said I’m all cried out, but I’m tearing up just writing this.

It all just sucks so much right now.

[msannabiz]

Her lil spot in the kitchen.

[msannabiz]

Today had its ups and downs.

I’m just trying to keep a smile on my face and not treat my baby differently. Just let her think life is good and normal with a lil extra fun.

I bought tickets to a Christmas lights show down the street that I get to drive thru. I’m taking her with me. I wanted her to see the lights this Christmas. I’m hoping it’ll be a core memory. She’s a good girl and deserves all the lights. All the sparkles.

Somehow, I’ve forgotten to look up at the night sky. I guess I’m gonna start doing that again.

I just wish I could have taken her to see the stars, but I guess now she’ll just be part of them. ✨

[msannabiz]

She’s watching me make dinner here.

I’m planning on doing an early Christmas celebration and my birthday celebration next week with her. I’m gonna make her a cake and stuff. Get some treats and pork ears.

I get to celebrate thanksgiving with her as well.

Im just so sad.

[msannabiz]

She’s eating all the big meals I made her.

Pumpkin

Air fried chicken

Treats a little bit of kibble

Green beans

Sweet potatoes