hayl ✋

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im lazy & drunk and need to vritual shedtwt rn but dont wanna get banned for posting myself on passgen or something so

(weeks old but i don’t take photos often)

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this is gonna be my last post

worst day ive had in a while today, or at least since my one days ago where i broke down almost puking from crying and cut my wrists

today was worse honestly, because it was all day and not even any escapism positivity moments or

just, more misery, more humiliation, more pain, finally can’t escape the full crushing weight and humiliation that im really nothing except a very ugly weird insane old man on estrogen and im nothing but a joke and laughing stock to literally everyone else even trannies and that’s all im ever going to be, and i really can only die to escape all this misery and hell

i sat by road lot earlier at sundown by my house, in my pyjamas, considering laying down in front of a oncoming car but i didn’t even have the willpower or energy for that

and as i was sat here for while breaking down crying badly again i realised how none of it matters and nobody even cares lol, nobody cared or was there then nobody cared or was here now, every time at my lowest nobody was here or cares, not allen or anyone from the past however long, just me, on my own, alone, only others are people seeing & treating me as a joke, that’s how it’s only ever going to be, me at my lowest on my own at most being seen as a joke

whatever, nobody cares, nobody ever will, nobody will ever even read this

here’s some last selfies of me crying to laugh at if anyone still lurks this, bye then, im done with this

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friday fit

plus my lunch from earlier finished, bacon flavour super noodles & chips

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making poverty lunch barefoot & in just a rotting pyjama t shirt at nearly 2am

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Tummy

I want to kiss it, lick it, bite it and blow strawberries on your stomach.

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fell asleep before i could post these last night but yeah

basically changing my rotting pattern slightly in now im only changing into my faded falling apart pyjamas when its late and im tired now and wear sweatpants and hoodies & socks during the day like a civilised person

also here’s my ugly face and poverty clothes again, feel free to send insults (,,>﹏<,,) <3

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opinion on strapons? are they cringe and fembrained

i know a lot of guys hate them & the idea of using them i understand why but personally i never thought of them as fembrained or lesbian coded desu

i mean ig the user isn’t getting any pleasure physically, which i find kinda awkward in theory because just feels unfair & selfish, but still using one is penetrating which itself is a masculine act regardless of how anyone tries to reason it not being, and if anything it’s more degrading to the one getting penetrated and ultimately in submissive role, honestly really not that much difference from using a actual dick just he can’t feel it which sucks, but idk i think wanting to dominate & penetrate someone at all even with an object is more masculine than it is feminine/fembrained

so yeah personally i got no problem with em & don’t find em cringe, maybe just awkward in theory because i kinda think of sex more in terms of giving pleasure to other one and it would feel weird & selfish to only receive purely, but i get why lotta ftms don’t want to use them & hate the idea

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Sorry if I get a bit parasocial, I don't know why I get this way with you, maybe one day I'll buy some plane tickets and stalk you properly like a real man. Hope you're doing good.

i seemingly have that effect on people for some reason

assuming you know where i live you’ll probably need a gun this place is a shithole

dont feel bad about not finding the account from last ask i wasn’t really using it properly or trying to be found it’s just a diary mostly

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Also hey Hayley, nice to see you back. I'm a little late to the party though, sorry I didn't notice sooner.

You seem a bit better than last time, or at least I hope you are.

depends definition of better

im still depressed & dysphoric but not as bad on the level of severe emotional mental breakdowns and crippling self hatred and shame anymore, it’s more controlled now, or at least more numb

not as perpetually suicidal, i cut my wrists a few days ago & spent 2 days in bed not really moving just watching river monsters and river documentaries, but not that severe, one off for most part havent done anything like it in a while

im still unhappy but im not as emotionally volatile as i was, dunno if that would please the people who hated me & thought i should be completely socially alienated and cut off from society as a monster years ago pleased because im still not a happy ray of sunshine but who knows

im as good as someone like me can probably ultimately be or get, functional, effectively like a leper born again under the divine loving touch of Christ himself giving a prostate exam, cheers

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Who is calling you ugly? You tend to mention this when you're feeling bad about yourself

when i feel bad about myself, so like always?

>multiple people on twitter (terfs, other trannies, cis moids, theyfabs)

>many trannies & poons & chasers over different tttt discord servers, my favourite was honky saying i ‘look like a really really ugly woman instead of a crossdresser’ (i still really like honky platonically so don’t hold that against him) oh and other mtf reppers occasionally

>many anons on here multiple times

i’ve been called ugly and openly laughed at & made fun of directly for my face alone many many times now so im very aware im ugly

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for i am God’s son

definitely not his daughter

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You will not survive my rage

whatever

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You don't pass but you are rather attractive.

Long hair + baseball cap is a cute lool

thanks

no i still wouldn’t top you

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the board has occasionally funny gems still

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that’s also why i just kinda give up & ultimately cut everyone off eventually and isolate to myself again eventually entirely

i know from experience now nothing can change, it can’t get better, it can’t improve, & any seeming ‘improvement’ is just fleeting and temporary and can’t last, entropy & rule of change etc, things will inevitably just get bad again by some force & event

and then anyone else around for it i let get too close to me will become disappointed and jaded and fed up that it really can’t improve or get better & it’s always going to be like this, & either they leave or they resent me & start to hate me now and just go out of their way to treat me like a joke and make me feel worse

and frankly that’s all too painful and i just can’t survive it again so i don’t pretend to improve or try to just to inevitably have it all fail again anyway and don’t get close to anyone for them to eventually up hating & mocking me

i just try to numb myself to the status quo & embrace the pain and keep everyone at a safe emotional distance where it can’t hurt me again

my life was just a stupid mistake

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like this strawpage anon said to me is right but it doesn’t really matter

i know no matter what my problems can’t be solved or fixed, they’re too deep set & woven in & inescapable, no matter what or if i try to improve or even do temporarily improve i know it’s temporary, the same pains will always come back & eventually become impossible to ignore again and over time it’s just gonna keep ultimately exhausting and draining anyone too close in the proximity invested until they get more tired and drained and hurt and eventually resentful, i don’t blame that or blame resentment or leaving it’s justified and warranted even if hurts if mockery and jokes and treating me like a lolcow start

my conclusion is just something i was feeling miserable and sick and terrible for & seeing if i could disprove but i can’t;

i can’t improve or get better, and any sign of it is just like cruel false hope and taunting to anyone nearby for when it eventually fails again, so really it’s just better for everyone i accept what is & what i am & quarantine myself off, like a infection or condemned building, stay by myself forever for the safety & better of others too and just accept my fate and wait to die insulated from dragging anyone else down too

like i said here, it’s better for me & everyone else i stay away from everyone else & vice versa