Every night
I fight w/ my own mind
Like 2 hurricanes crashing
inside 1 fragile skull
U know what hurts the most?
Not losing u
It's watching myself
slowly disappear after u
I still play ur voice
like an old cassette tape
w/ dust on it
broken but impossible to
throw away.
Sometime during midnight
I still see ur smile
Soft, like it's dangerous
Like Shiva accidentally
left heaven open for a second
"Just so I could survive u again"
& maybe I'm stupid
maybe I'm confused addiction
w/ destiny.
maybe I thought
the cosmos wrote our names together
in some invisible constellation
full now?
Now the stars look silent
I walk as crowded
like a astronaut without u ghost
breathing
but never alive enough
I wanna text u sometimes
Just: "Hey"
Just: "r u okay?"
Just: "do u still think about me when it rains
@ 3 AM?"
But ego is beside me
like oxycodone for pain
so I stay quiet
U moved in beautifully
I stayed behind emotionally
Like an abandoned house
still waiting for footsteps
that already found another home
Funny thing is
I wanna myself
"Don't love this hard"
"Don't feel all once"
"Don't worship the new god who never grant
u wings"
But my heart never listens
it rots
& now every memory of u
cuts like shattered glass
inside my chest
I miss the old days
Not coz back then
I slept peacefully
Now every night feels heavy
I very song sounds like u
Every moon looks injured
I feel really not again
in another universe
another timeline
another lifetime
I hope we meet
before the damage happens
Before silence wins
Before love becomes trauma
Before I become this version of myself
who smiles outside
but collapse inward
Till then,
I'll keep carrying ur ghost
like a secret religion
inside my ribs.