Multifarious Horde

a traumagenic system

[multifarious-horde]

I got told by my physical therapist it was finally time to take the step to get my own wheelchair and I'm a bit devastated

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Working on a hobby I guess

The main host is normally the artist but I'm working in finding paths of joy when hosting this is me

And my partner within our system

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My corner guy I see often

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Let's talk about traumas that may never heal. (Just a few for my system due to the trauma we've experienced)

+The sounds of fast placed brakes in stopping a car.

+the feeling of a boner waking us up in hyper focused fear

+selective mutism in gatekeepers to protect the body

+The sound of something dropping/shattering

+Someone asking about our body (sexually before were ready) instantly causing us to separate our intellectual worth from our attractiveness

+The knowledge it's a lie when either one of our parents says the words "l'm sorry, but..."

+Our inner arm being being touched making us want to swing on whoever touched us.

+gasping so hard from panic or fear out broken ribs poke into our lungs momentarily

+Eloping when an arguement breaks out because if it's in person I could likely get beat to shit and 🍇 d

One day I hope we have learned to get past some of these things

[multifarious-horde]

Some people say "I'd lose my head if it wasn't Attached."

Let's get the facts straight

i'd drown it. And my family nickname "hole in the head" from to many untreated concussions during my childhood. Would only guarantee the rocks in the bag wouldn't be needed

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[multifarious-horde]

Never felt more affirmed in my multiplicity, until a dating app banned me for "having more than one person on the account"💀💀💀

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[multifarious-horde]

I don't get how some people can say, "they want trust from the gatekeeper" so I hold back a bit on being protective to give the system space to grow in love but I'm still watching just as hyper vigilant and I get shown first hand why I don't trust people outside of this system. AGAIN! It's just stupid that people even say it at this point. I haven't met a single person incapable of selfish manipulation.

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I love the phrase "Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girl boss"

Because gaslighting is one of my triggers to gatekeep the system who is a girl(I'm not).

It's like

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[multifarious-horde]

Sometimes,

Money doesn't equal worth.

I know you've been convinced of that since birth

Perhaps what you deserve,

Isn't tied to what you can't earn.

Everyday the thought of a single penny gives you heart burn

Our body has limits, but our heart never has.

Your just as valuable being a chipped topaz

I know you fear the weaknesses being easy victim fuel again.

But this time we aren't stuck in the internal domain

But please stop calling yourself the heavyweight champ

All while searching for that lamp

You've made it out.

With your tail and snout

I promise.

It can only go up from here

So put down the beer

Step off highgear

Brave this new frontier

Heal my beautiful dear

🐸 to 🌊

[multifarious-horde]

All we've wanted was love. Just a little and when a gatekeeper(fucking me dude) chooses romance with a current partner they believe to be a safe person(a gatekeeper who's never been to romantic before because that a weakness to the system imo in my system) Then are proven wrong not just once but repeatedly and rapidly. I don't think I'll ever trust in that way again. It was dumb to assume that I could.

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[multifarious-horde]

Got injured then the flu then a psychotic episode with an abusive alter that last 4 days. But at least our therapist thinks we handled and coped well

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With my youth

I'm easily tricked

But to you 

I was just a easy chick

Easier to please

Makes for a simple victim

How did they scream?

Did you hope to kill them?

But you never hurt me,

Held me close giving promises.

You had mapped how to be,

Turned us all to hostages

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[multifarious-horde]

I'm a part of a system who has known we were plural since our body was 14.(Diagnosed and bodily mid 20s) I've always feared a media presence due to this. And the ridicule it could lead to for us. But I've realized that I won't ever make friends who understand us if I don't try. So I've made this blog to post about my art and maybe and some of our thoughts and experiences.