Manicpixie Tradwife

Just poems to turn into a book about an Appalachian christian mother, a wife and an artist with one God, multiple victories & multiple personalities. xx

[cmanflip]

The Once-ler Onion

Axe model by tediuminteractive

[alicent-florent]

Jacob Elordi as Felix Catton Saltburn (2023) dir. Emerald Fennell

[multiple-essentials]

I am not an artist anymore.

I played guitar for my Husband,

he didn't hear me. But he hears everyone else when it comes to music. I know I have "nothing to prove" but I'm not out to prove anything I just thought he would like it.

Idk why him saying "I have nothing to prove" makes me so upset.

Probably because I know that I have nothing to prove, but it's the fact that he thinks that way about me playing a song for him... I just sang it and played it because I thought he would like it? I keep telling him too that I have loads and loads of ideas for songs and I have lyrics, cover ideas... cover artwork ideas. Woman won't be in a band with me because I have no friends. Everytime I work with Men I have to stroke their egos just so I can maybe say an idea or critique in rehearsal. That is another thing too, he treats me like I haven't played in a band. Like I wasn't in room where Gus recorded. Like I wasn't in the background noise for 'Drive by" at Bigheads.... or like I wasn't in fishnarcs music video. Like I haven't preformed stand-up and improv almost nightly and killed at it. I feel like nothing now.

so I thought oh yeah this guy -my husband- who is a sound engineer, released TWO full length albums with concepts on his own with writing credits to his ex and his fairweather, as long as this relationship is convenient to me, friend.

But I'm here just waiting for a scrap of collaboration and then when I play guitar for him, although I guess he heard NONE of it (?) just to show hey I can do this all by myself of course that was just me trying to prove myself to him.

That is what my 'art' is now, and that's all it will be because I am no longer an artist, I'm his wife, and technically his property like the house, and quite frankly he knows he doesn't have to listen, he knows he can hurt my feelings by being so passive. Because he knows that no matter what I will always just be right here for whenever HE NEEDS me.

I am no longer a creative, no longer do my ideas get taken seriously and not like it matters. I'll never be a mortician, or my plan B as a working cosmetologist. I just wanted to make funerals less morbid and revolutionize the dying funeral industry. When I found out that that dream was impossible, I did settle, but at least I would be getting paid to make the world more beautiful and make people feel beautiful and special. I even wrote that as my reason (my 'teacher' laughed at me) but even that, the last door that closed right on my heart.

SO I thought my Husband & I can at least make music, but whatever, he doesn't want to hear me play anything, everytime I try to teach him something too he dismisses me if it's about music.

So yeah, I'm no artist.

Laters... x

[multiple-essentials]

We need to have a third place for the teenagers there, they don’t exist. There are no landlines so communication is unsafe BUT at crossroads they aren’t allowed to be on their phones, so they get experiences and life experiences from the people around them and teenagers have their own culture but right now what we’re witnessing is the absence of a third place outside of school, that they can hang out and continue to explore that identity with each other. And the reason why school shouldn’t be the third place is because it’s school like I can’t serve us all to the place where they caught each other where they go on dates where they communicate like I want to make like a café or just anything and transportation maybe something close just somewhere where they can be themselves and can put on their phones and know that they’re not gonna get in trouble for exploring their identity and being a teenager.

like the youth culture in the American teenager are almost extinct because the youth culture is just whatever is online and you’ve got adults acting like children and like I said there’s no landline, so there’s no accountability there’s no like emo kids there’s no like jocks there’s no like anything and they’re all so scared and I think it’s just because they need a place to express themselves that doesn’t have consequences like school does you know kind of like a teenage club almost? I don’t know maybe I’m rambling I I’ll write a blog post.

Like Euphoria is the biggest “teen show “ and in second it’s that Skippy D toilet one.

they have no one grounding them and just being young and playful with each other because it’s school they can’t fully be themselves and there’s nowhere for them to do it because online is full of predators and I just wanna make a place where they can all go and be safe and hang out with each other 17 magazine doesn’t even exist. Teen magazines don’t even exist. I guess Young adult novel still do but like who reads?

also 57% of teenagers get their clothes and everything from Amazon or Shein - just like adults there’s no hot topic there’s no Hollister Abercrombie there’s no justice (the store) even or Claire’s for girls like the more I think about this the more the kids are being robbed!

they don’t even have fashion…

Where do they go to hang out!? No where!!!? The constant internet access. I wanna talk to Jill to and maybe have a class or just a day where I come in and talk to the kids and share my testimony because she thought it was really powerful. I just want to tell them that they can do the stuff in but it’s also like $50-$100 to do anything now at least 20 and they don’t have jobs it’s all just not OK how have the youth been denied for this long and when did it happen? Was I Blind? Or we could make the library cool again, or open a cafe with music. They don’t socialize other than online and you know that that’s not real socialization and also less and less of them have their drivers license and less and less of them have well relationships with other kids their age perception is just so fucked up because of social media and these like 24 year olds acting like 12 and kids are acting like they’re 24 they know how to dress like adult women. They know how to act like adult women, boys know how to act like a adult MEN and dress like adult men and they know what kind of car to get ..and they know everything they think because they see someone do it and they don’t even know that social media is a lie!!!! AHHH!! and they’re suffering because their social skills are so limited and then you have those crazy TikTok teachers, who also have no social skills and everything is so well clear to me and I can’t wait to do something about it with you. world!

Social Media is an evil fr

Like YOUR pre-frontal cortex JUST dropped. Like it’s set, done growing at 30.. Mine is still growing?! That’s INSANE!! anyway, this is the end of that raNT. I love you 🧎‍♀️

[multiple-essentials]

System Hack!

1:45 Oct, 4

Okay so for any other systems out there I wanna start a list of tips for survival to also have in my book. Here's the first one: Alarms as grounding measures. I call it 'Alarming' an 'Alarming measure' or "setting an Alarming net"

I know most of us shy away from alarms because of PTSD and everything else but... let's say you're like me and your four year old attends preschool every week, cool! I will admit that over the years my family has found ways to help me parent and now; this week they are helping me grow. See my beautiful Mother more often than not takes her to pre-school. This week happens to be her first week of retirement she'll ever experience and simultaneously, never get to experience it again. I wouldn't want the stress either. I get it, four year olds are hard even when they happen to be a genius child and an absolute Godsend.

-----------------------------------------

Back to the hack:

I need to LEAVE the driveway to pick her up at 2:45 p.m

I NEED to be, in the car, with my infant at 2:45, also her schedual isn't a normal M-W-F either...It is however a beautiful academy filled with the Holy Spirit.. and her friends... and theres naptime..I hope her bedmat smells good... and I need to remember her lunch... do I have her lunch?.... AHH! You get it.

So I pick a very gentle alarm and set it for 2:30 and it says, on the screen (write this in the title section on an iOS device for this)

"Be in the car with baby at 2:45 to leave to pick up Jane from Pre-K Name"

Bada-bing! WHOEVER is fronting can understand that, and if they have questions about where it's directly in the title. Now I do the same for when I need to be in the car to drop her off in time as well. I also think ONE ALARM should be used for max efficiency in this grounding hack as to amplify significance, but if your system or any alters in it need to procrastinate then use multiple for sure.

You can use this hack for a wide variety of things as well and the more you get to know yourself through others you will be able to discern what tasks deem 'Alarming' and I gotta say, calling the technique 'Alarming' or 'self-alarming' totally takes power from that word and I loves it. One more example that I personally use it for is like, when I purity am fronting I've come to value coffee over medicating first ting in the morning so I will set an "Alarming net" that's titled:

"Did you take your (2) medications yet? if not do so ASAP :)"

Around 9:00 a.m. so I don't ruin my own day, anyone relate?

Hope this helps! All love,

Annabelle x

[multiple-essentials]

Gratefulness

Purity again, I don't know what time it is, let me check.

! 12:31 what a beautiful time. I just realised I have to call the WIC offoce, again because I just realised that Hisashi has the WIC card.. lol. But God am I grateful.

I was just laying in bed, focusing on "rest" but honestly?

I was focused on my pain. It's not able to be ignored though. That's where things get kind of tricky, because I am aware of this. So my pain isn't something I can't just NOT feel, so does that mean I just stop living? Stop doing things I love? Things that are my duty? No.

Of course not, I'm an adult and I know better and no matter how desperate I am for healing. Healing doesn't come from inactiveness though. Quite the opposite. I have been seeing scales for awhile now - a synchronicity, a sign. In my grugg brain I over complicated everything when in reality all I had to do, truly, was get up.

That's the two sides - of this current scale at least.

Getting up and letting God give me strength, to continue.

On the other side: Beautiful rest. Rest with my Husband, my children and alone with my God.

So I got up, made the bed, dusted the Aircon, and picked up the trash, now I'll gather the dishes, and take them to the sink,etc. Just keep doing the next right thing. You get it? I'm grateful for the strength to get up! Thanks to God and me calling out to him, speaking Jesus.. only then.. and once again I hear my Angel say to me "Get up God's champion. We've got places to be!"

Love,

Purity x

[multiple-essentials]

Rest

The day is a Wednesday, October 4th. My name is Purity.

Today I was supposed to get some rest and fellowship with a pillar of the community and someone especially important in my husbands career. The idea was not my own but instead just words and not really a plan. These things though I didn't find out until I was already supposed to do that. Maybe I am the crazy one to think that if I am supposed to go somewhere at 7:45 a.m. that maybe I should have the address.

I am writing this at 10 a.m. after unloading the things I had meticulously planned to bring to this woman's house that I wanted to ask her about, I wanted to pray with her and maybe that will happen. I just wish my husband cared just that little bit more to see things to completion, his life is full of unfinished puzzles. Half done drawings and plans to make plans. Of course I am not a therapist (and I'm trying my best with my own brain) but even I know it's not a sustainable way to live. I also don't know how to teach a teacher.

I can't get mad but I can feel hurt.

Today will be a good day - but I am allowed to feel hurt.

Even if no one acknowledges that it is hurtful. It's "did I text her?" and of course I did but how do you tell someone who has students cooking asian food for my asian husband that he HAS to listen too that if he could just ask her husband who works right down the hall I could've been there already.

See my life is full of these days. Hoping for something that just turned out to be words. He's not getting paid to listen to me, and it's my job to shut up and just do the stuff. I realized today through this experience that I'm no longer going to the doctor. I'll just say that I am, and maybe somehow that might make him realize that actions are what matters. Instead of just taking the time to ask Mr. B he wanted me to fix a plan that was supposed to help me that didn't mean enough to him. I can't wait to be dead. Everyone will see I'm not lying and maybe it will help them to believe others like me.

It will also indefinitely prove that action is necessary and words are meaningless most of the time and forget-able at best.

Disappointed again - but never losing hope,

Purity x