Multiplicity of Emotions

The ravings of a manic-depressive queer New York City Latino.

[multiplicityofemotions]

2014-2026

As I stare at the pixelated liquid surface of my mac, my mind itself is a cluster of reds, greens, and blues. Zoomed in and it makes no sense, just a hodgepodge of randomness. As you take one step back, another step back, you see the full picture. I wish I stayed zoomed in.

[multiplicityofemotions]

I wake up between 5:30-6am no matter what time I attempt to sleep. As if I’m racing to beat the world, be the early bird who catches the multitude of worms available. Lines scratch along me, light radiates in a beautiful disarray. Just like dawn I am in a state of transition, ever lighter and at times creeping ever forward.

[multiplicityofemotions]

The seasons have changed as have I, each sunset earlier yet I rise further. Darkness expands, leaves turn beautifully, ever so slightly falling towards the earth. I find spring flowers within this foliage, peaking through beneath the pile of leaves. I am in the process of shedding my skin. I am in the process of change snd growth. I cling to the tree trunk, my foundation, knowing I will come back brighter and blooming.

[multiplicityofemotions]

“Riis Restrooms”, c. July 2024

[multiplicityofemotions]

I find myself waking up almost every day before others. I don’t mind at all, for it affords me with the opportunity to contemplate on the turnings of the Earth. I start with peace and end in chaos, waltzing life’s dance along the tiptoed skyline.

Gaea cracks her eye open beaming radiance to those who dare awaken with her. Here I stand, tea in hand, staring off into the myopic distance.

[multiplicityofemotions]

I often find myself staring, pondering, wishing as I walk along 44th street. What is happening within those walls? Will they ever be happy again? Am I talking to myself again?

I keep on strolling as I rest my expectations dragged along the sidewalk, ever persistent.

[multiplicityofemotions]

Rejoice

Now where was I?

Strapping in the seatbelt

That held deep within me

A rolodex flown by.

Flipping thru each notecard,

Tabbing the discrepancies.

The punctuating

with each turn of the shard.

Shatter, shatter and here

Here, indeed

Anywhere yet mostly

Where I go on and cheer

For here I am!

I am who I'll be

and have always been.

Never, ever a sham.

[multiplicityofemotions]

33 and Unemployed

Sitting here to oblivion,

I wondered what happened.

Sitting here in tears,

I felt so unfastened.

And I lunged, lunged forward

Around and around I went

Legs flailing, flailing, flailing,

And all of my energy spent.

Full of immense amounts of nothing

And a touch of time foregone.

Just tired of it all and all in between,

Bitten open, a bonbon.

[multiplicityofemotions]

WTF

I have no idea what is going on,

All I feel are tears

Trying to escape my eyes

yet trapped, quite familiar.

I have no idea what is going on,

This rage, irritability,

Everything against the grain,

Why is everything so so annoying?

I have no idea what is going,

I am undulating emotions.

I am the mass of men

Leading lives of quiet desperation.

[multiplicityofemotions]

Life Anew, Brooklyn, New York (April 2022)

[multiplicityofemotions]

Rose Colored Glasses, Queens, New York (April 2022)

[multiplicityofemotions]

The Golden Hour, Manhattan, New York (May 2022)

[multiplicityofemotions]

Razones

Me dio                 de golpe ¡Realidad! Orientándome A mi          fatalidad.

Los momentos,                          ilusiones                                       Alrededor de mí, Mirando a todo Que me trajo Dolor así.

Cansado de esta                            Mierda.

Así es la vida, Un gran             mojón. Y yo trabado En su culon—

Aso,              Caso,                            ¿Porqué dicen es falso?

Dime, ¿porque debo dar la                                             gana? No sé, ¿y qué?

[multiplicityofemotions]

What happened?

I wake up in a daze,

wondering where I am.

Smoke some purple haze,

and see I broke the dam. 

I thought too hard,

Jumped too loud,

shined without guard,

and felt too proud. 

But I’m yet again back, 

where it all again began,

wondering as I clack,

where have I ran? 

What is the next round?

How did I get in?

How did I get found?

I wonder as if I’d win.

[multiplicityofemotions]

I just want to cry.

I just want to cry,

I           just,             want               to           cry

i

       just,

                         want

                                                   to,

                                                                c

                                                                r

                                                                y.

Instead of left                                    here.

[multiplicityofemotions]

IDK

IDK 4 r3@L

Y U tRyInG?

L3@vE Or $+@y

jU$t cHoO$3.

[multiplicityofemotions]

Mr. Lincoln

Life like sand slipping,

pouring between my fingers.

Where have I crashed?

Sand left me behind.

From the sand is forced

a bloom of a bloody rose.

I ask myself,

“How?”

As I slip, 

pour down to get it,

thorns prick and the 

rose blooms from my finger.

Petals appear 

and I see the joy

of living.

I grasp a bouquet 

of bloody roses

by the thorn

and slip, pour into them.

Finally the sand

has bloomed, returned.