- KNOCK 'EM DEAD !

𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻𝙴𝚁! 𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻𝙴𝚁! 𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻𝙴𝚁!  ––   dash - only  sideblog to grotesq .   info + rules .

[murdaers]

toko publishes roughly 80 novels by the time she’s 15 and frankly ... she really did earn the title of ultimate writing prodigy like she’s so fcking talented

[murdaers]

fucking fascinating. / buttercup

         expression  distorts ,            her  nose  scrunching  up  as  if  she’d  smelled  something  rotten   :   but  only  the  rot  of  her  ego  remains ,  a  sickening  thing  buried  at  the  base  of  her  throat  as  she  throws  her  sneer  towards  the  other’s  direction .     “  g - girls  aren’t  supposed  to  talk  like  that ,   idiot .  ”        speaks  with  a  ripe  sense  of  confidence       /       words  hit  like  hammers  against  nails     (  nails  against  chalkboard !  ) .     “  i  don’t  like  s - sarcasm ,  just  say  what  you  mean  or  keep  your  m - mouth  shut .    and  don’t  ask  for  an  explanation  in  the  first  place !   did  you  just  wanna  hear  it  so  y - you  could  poke  fun  at  me ?   YOU  JUST  THINK  I’M  STUPID  &  BORING ,    HUH ?    RIGHT ?   i  don’t  need  to  care  about  a  brainless  brute  like  you .   w - whatever .  ”

MONSTER         &         ACCEPTING .

[tiffsmemes]

last night i sang to the monster taken from the 2009 benjamin alire sáenz book.

maybe that’s what god wrote on my heart: monster.

what do you know about trauma?

but, listen, i care about you. i care what happens to you.

this is the thing: life has not been kind to us.

i’m bringing you in from the cold.

will you stay? until i fall asleep again?

you’ve had it rough.

i’m stuck with all my bad dreams.

it’s not bad to love someone so much that it hurts.

fucking fascinating.

it was only a bad dream.

i don’t feel anything. i hate feeling.

you’re here. you’re alive. you’ve survived all the bad things already.

it can be, you know, a part of this trauma thing?

you don’t even know enough to come in from the rain. 

there’s blood in my dreams. all of them.

it’s not good to keep all those things inside you.

you don’t want to know or you’re afraid to know?

i think it’s other people who give us monsters. 

[murdaers-moved]

because of past experience, toko doesn’t trust men/boys who are nice to her. she was asked out on bets in the past and otherwise publicly humiliated by boys she had such intense crushes on that she thought she was in love with them. so guys who treat her kindly are very immediately under suspicion, and she’ll be extremely aggressive towards them. this would include, especially, m/akoto.

this would explain her infatuating with b/yakuya, in part, because he isn’t kind to her. in a very backwards, and incredibly toxic manner, toko takes his insults and spite towards her as something genuine. but more especially, and this is smth i’ll explore in more depth in a b/yakuya-specific post, his interest and discovery of her identity as syo is also smth that stokes her obsession. but, moving on, bc that’s not what this post is abt ,,

this trend of hating guys who are nice to her and liking guys who are cruel changes, however, as we see her development in despair girls, which is set directly after her high school experience / the mutual killing game. and it’s largely in part to k/omaru’s influence which is overwhelmingly healthy for toko. she changes dramatically in personality by the end of that game. throughout, she begins to come to understand her own worth and the fact that she has yet to experience a real friendship, which is smth k/omaru offers her. 

the feeling of discomfort / distrust towards someone who is kind to her isn’t just in regards to men –– it extends to anyone, honestly, but it is particularly pronounced in those cases. 

[oborerunaifu]

[murdaers]

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