Social Justice Q&A
A is a 22-year-old actress in the city of Chicago. She is an Artist in Residence and Company Member at a local theater. She also teaches acting to both children and teenagers.
E: Tell me a little about yourself…
A: Alright, so when I was 15 I was diagnosed with an eating disorder not otherwise specified. Now it’s called OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder). It’s where your eating disorder doesn’t fall into a black and white category like anorexia or bulimia. I went to treatment for a year and was completely fine and came out completely recovered. I didn’t think of it again until I went to college for my BFA, which is a very intensive performance based track—which means when you graduate you’re supposedly an actor. My school, Illinois Wesleyan University, only accepts five students a year and also has this standard for being the “pretty school,” because a lot of the recruitment practice is based on what you look like. I worked for their Recruitment Office and while I was there I saw them bring in the best student of the day and literally say “with eyebrows like that nobody is going care what she sounds like.”
E: They would say this to the candidate?!
A: No! No! To each other. But because I worked in the office I would hear it too. They would even take headshots and put them on the ground, already making a decision, before even seeing a prospective student’s audition. There was this pressure to be perfect all the time. All that led up to senior year. I struggled with my body in college. During my Senior Research Honors Project I wanted to do something about performers and their body image. I took 10, random, different people with different degree tracks, ages, genders, races, body types and 5 out of 10 identified with eating disorders. This is so fucked up. It’s not okay and not something that should be perpetuated. Also for most participants, this was the first time they had ever told anybody or talked about it. I felt upset and angry about it that there were no resources and our culture was perpetuating this. Also that there was no outlet or anyone to talk to. This was the start of what I call Skin Deep.
E: Skin Deep?
A: I started calling it Skin Deep while it was still my Honors Research Project and I never changed it. The process has evolved since then, but the concept has always stayed the same. I would gather a group of performers and together they would create a cabaret that would be performed. For the first Skin Deep the performers were 18-21 years old. I gathered the material from a play process where sometimes I would leave room with the recorder going. This process took a year. The culmination of this project was the cabaret I wrote from the play process that the participants performed for the faculty. Our work is more than skin deep. It’s worth more than how pretty I can be on a given day. At the time I wasn’t aware that this could be controversial.
E: How was it received?
A: Some professors said that this was “old news” even though it’s still happening and that “it’s the way of the industry,” but shouldn’t be. We are in charge of creating the culture, so why shouldn’t we make it safe? I hadn’t thought about the tangible impact of it, but I did have a professor approach me after and tell me how she’ll be applying this to her teaching next semester—and she did. I also did notice a change in the students accepted in the subsequent years. The most profound impact however was on the actors. This changed the focus of my project. Initially I wanted to impact social change in the audience and destigmatize, but I realized that this was healing for me and it also has a message of creating an inner strength to carry you through.
E: With this change in your focus, what shape does your project take on today?
A: The second time I did this project it was right out of undergrad. The participants were 12-18 years old
E: Were there any concerns about including 12 year olds and the possibility of you “introducing” eating disorders to them?
A: No, I created complete transparency about what this project was about. I also had a therapist on hand to navigate what I couldn’t help with. The second Skin Deep spanned 2-3 weeks including divisive play and with the therapist the artists were able to create an outlet for their emotions that was also a support group in a sense that it provided care and consideration. It was an engaging environment that enabled them to present to others in a non-scary communion where they were able to build trust and respect like a theater cast. While at Illinois Wesleyan University I had started a race free, body type free, ability free, and gender free casting called Shringara (which means love and acceptance in Sanskrit) originally as an attack on the faculty. They have their own Skin Deep event, and it is through this club that they operate. They produce one Skin Deep performance every year.
E: Are you still involved with Skin Deep on your campus?
A: I’m not directly involved in the productions, but I’m still the Associate Artistic Director, so I manage their website and if they ever have questions or need to troubleshoot anything I’m always available. It’s just hard to be more directly involved from so far away. Since then, I have also held Skin Deep programs and workshops at different schools and therapy homes both for people with different eating disorders and also the professionals working with them (and have upcoming ones planned!).
E: What impact do you think your looks have on your message when you’re workshops and Skin Deep programs?
A: I’ve been asked this before but I still don’t think I fully believe know how to answer it because that’s not how I see myself. I have been told that my project is in danger of coming off as “a bunch of pretty people talking about pretty people.” I think instead of pretty it’s the extreme strict standard of perfection people like me hold themselves to. They can’t see the self because they’re too busy chasing perfection. I think there should be less of an emphasis on change of perception and instead a change of the culture itself.
E: Do you think Skin Deep has been changing the culture? How have people been impacted by your project? Has anybody approached you about creating his or her own Skin Deep program?
A: Actually, yes. There is this girl who goes to Illinois Wesleyan University who has heard about my project and contacted me about how she can also do research on body image but in a different way than what my project was. The counseling department has also created discussions and an open outlet for people who have different eating disorders. And a girl who had been part of Skin Deep started a club on campus dealing with positive body image. People are still talking about it and are cognoscente of it.
E: How do you see this evolving in the future?
A: I’ve been looking into grad school and have been thinking about applying to NYU because they have a Drama Therapy program. This way I would be able to eliminate the therapist and do Skin Deep by myself. I almost felt like I was using the participants of Skin Deep and didn’t feel like I was giving back and I want to make sure I’m not exploiting them. My favorite part of Skin Deep is when we are talking and sharing stories. The sincere moments of connection. I would continue to develop this in the Masters program so that way I would be able to reach many people and be certain that I was giving back and helping foster an inner strength in performers regardless of what they look like. Skin Deep is therapeutic and I want to make sure that the participants feel the same way and that I can help them.
E: On a final note, what do you want the ultimate manifestation of your project to be?
A: Scrap the entire beauty culture in the performance field and create a radical revolution of self-love on stage!
-Emese Toth









