as it is written.

a musings/ask memes blog, as run by dust.

[muselixer]

Hi! I'm officially taking suggestions for ask memes! If you have anything you want to see in terms of sentence starters, emoji starters, prompts, etc, my ask box is open for the time being :)

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2026!

part one: january - march apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for suggestive/mildly offensive language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"That's my new bit. Fuckin' hitting you."

"I'm allowed to stare at you. I've checked."

"That just sounds like Catholic Santa."

"Human centipede the cars, RIGHT NOW."

"IT TAKES ME THREE DAYS TO MAKE TEN DOLLARS."

"Are you done with your trauma?"

"I need him to stop pacing and start pissing."

"Is pookie a DRAG QUEEN?"

"I'm sorry you got the poop meds."

"I don't think Jimmy Buffett stabbed a man to death and pulled all his guts out."

"Wishful thinking is one hell of a drug."

"Does anyone wanna go to the hospital as me?"

"Hashtag I love penis."

"Nah man, I'm on ADHD Pro right now."

"You were literally dying, and all you cared about was an awards show."

"We gettin' quadratic tonight?"

"He told me my shirt turned him on 'cause I'm a girl with a job."

"Throw some 'dogs on the grill, let her flip 'em. C'mon man."

"Fuuuuck, we're the same height... You think he'll let me hit?"

"I'm okay. I don't wanna cuck him that hard."

"I LOVE GETTING SHOT. ...Actually, I don't."

"Portal? That's what they call YO MOM'S PUSSYYYYYY!"

"How the fuck are you a stoner AND a bottom? Bitch, you're a pothole!"

"Hey, so, what if I ran across the battlefield without a care in the world?"

"We can play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Whoever's the most depressed can be Eeyore."

"I need them to... stop...... pissing."

"Oh, I'm so cool and awesome, said the mediocre guy who works at laser tag."

"I fuck with adverbs."

"God, he's so full of himself, I hope he dies. ......Smash."

"Sorry, I was in the pissing closet."

"This cologne smells like it will get me maidens."

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2025!

part four: october - december apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for suggestive/mildly offensive language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"We should do this in front of Menard's."

"Early bird gets the inhaler."

"I'm like a vampire but instead of blood I suck the testosterone out."

"He's dual wielding chromosomes— hang on, that's not right—"

"Usually when he looks like a dick, it's because he's being a dick."

"Cook my steak extra medium please."

"Now add the beanie. Coward."

"A second shower has hit the water heater."

"Everyone's mad 'cause I have the most slop."

"The bones are their money. So are the worms."

"Hey, I really need to pee. Can you stay on the phone with me while I drive?"

"I WILL NOT BE GIVING MY NEPHEW VICODIN."

"WWE in the yaoi section?"

"Were people saying 'locked in' in 2003? Asking for... a friend..."

"I don't put my thumb in holes."

"I can't believe I forgot I was high."

"No deep breaths. No breathing. Die."

"I'm a fucking freak and I like nasty fucked up shit. Don't take that out of context."

"Bro is draped... he's like a blanket."

"No offense but I would rather die than participate in this bit."

"How does health insurance protect you against Godzilla? Checkmate atheists."

"I'll hold your penis if you hold mine."

"Here's your free invite to the blunt rotation."

"I don't want CHEESE in my BOLD!"

"You look like the front of a Japanese bullet train."

"If I trapped you in a plastic bag, would you chew your way out?"

"The next time you are dogging down on a cheap wiener, you can thank Toyota."

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2025!

part three: july - september apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"Autism causes vaccines, with the right special interest."

"Fucking PEG me about it."

"I have a disability that makes me walk like a gorilla."

"I just want the taste of meat in my mouth."

"Babies are so ugly when they're fresh."

"Oh, yeah, I have to... uh... turn the windows on."

"No need to worry. I am safely back at the principal's office."

"I'm the construction people. I'm here to construct those boobies!"

"My balls are ten percent plastic at this point."

"I'm gonna get him an industrial-grade cuck chair, I swear to god."

"Trees and weeds, boats and hoes, same thing."

"His face is built like a saddle but he's too ugly to ride."

"You talk at the decibel of, like, two sentences."

"They're acting like his dick is a TechDeck, bro!"

"So we build a one-to-one scale replica of your house..."

"I got hentai weed."

"I say this with all the love in my heart... No one eats shit like you do."

"Can we have this conversation on stage? I feel like this is more interesting than what's going on."

"Would you shake ass for a cookie?"

"If you can't do it, die."

"I want him up and down on that thang. ...Welp! Have a good night!"

"Who out here trying to get your tabernacles tarnished?"

"...I would eat a box."

"WHO PUT THE FETUS IN THE MICROWAVE? IT JUST KEEPS SPINNING!"

"I would have asked you if you looked in a mirror recently, but I fear that might be offensive."

"Our whole sex life CANNOT be movie quotes."

"I want to study you. Like a creature."

"I hope to FUCK he believes in Harriet Tubman."

"Would you radicalize your children?"

"You could just walk up to a bird, pick it up, and put it in a fire."

"He looks like a human labubu."

"I got my ass smacked, dawg!"

"I dunno what's in these things, but they make me want to objectify men."

"I can do it without glasses! I can flip you off in surround sound."

"That's a normal thing to eat a fork with."

"Three prongs in my intestines, it's fine."

"Y'know how I knew this weekend would be good? Because my dick stopped bleeding before I left."

"Gooning as a crab must be hard, with the claw."

"You wanna smoke weed? Go outside! There's dandelions!"

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2025!

part two: april - june apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"If I cosplay your mom, call that my fursona."

"We shall have a designated ball cleaning day."

"Should I make the CEO of Sex pasta again tonight?"

"If I get horny in front of you, would you give me money?"

"Can someone, like, sniff him and see if he has a shoe size?"

"We can make crystal meth in that!"

"God allows a little pornography."

"Can I get a diet cock? I mean, a diet cock? I mean―"

(seductively) "So... Do you like lettuce?"

"If there was a dead body, a room, and a bottle of wine, i would fuck the body, marry the wine, and kill the room."

"The turn signals STAY ON during sex."

"Thank god I'm fast at getting ready. Because I'm STILL SITTING NAKED ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR! AAYYY!!"

"Ah, yes. The energy drink that does nothing but make my fingers shake a little bit sometimes."

"He looks like if you ordered Matt Damon on Temu and the package arrived damaged."

"You could reasonably argue that the BMV is a movie theater."

"Please teach these boobs how to hold a sax. I'm gonna have a stroke on the lift."

"I love white cheese... What? You never had black cheese?"

"I think cannibalism is based if the guy being eaten is down for it."

"Why are they so attached to this fuckass horse?"

"I'm not gonna pretend to know the horse lore."

"OH, GOD FORBID A MAN HAVE BALLS."

"Hey, you got your nipples out or no?"

"Guys, I have bad news. That movie came out before 9/11."

"Most reasonable people put hentai on it."

"Who needs weed when you have ass rock?"

"I couldn't flex on Stephen Hawking if I tried."

(angrily) "Fruit snacks are fucking delicious, dude. You drink Vernor's and eat American cheese slices. That's not even real fucking cheese."

"Your mom makes my ass vibrate in a bad way, man."

"My grandpa is sifting in his urn right now."

"I'm falling on a sword this afternoon."

"Don't piss by yourself, you're too handsome."

"Those who shit in glass toilets shouldn't shit stones."

"He came in me and now he's on his TechDeck."

"So help me god, if you don't accept this gracious gift of the fuckin' rice, I'm gonna get, like, 1950's work whistle angry."

"I think we need to just put him in a fucking device."

"How much proof does this bitch need? Get convinced."

"This one looks like an uncircumcised peen."

"That's the liminal Red Lobster. Where they do illegal lobster gambling."

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2025!

part one: january - march apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"If I woke up tomorrow and I was 13 again, it would be over for me."

"That guy's a fucking bozo."

"Why do you know what happens when you cut a bird's head off?"

"I don't care! I hate his guts! ...However, I would still very much fall for it."

"I have chronic autism."

"I keep enough change in my asshole that I jingle."

"Oh my god, I wanna be an oil puddle soooo bad."

"So, I cut off my ass, and sold it to Joann Fabric."

"What if my muscles get too relaxed and my uterus falls out?"

"There's not an agitator in this washing machine, but there is an agitator in me."

"Your Honor, no shit!"

"WHO FILLED MY HOLE?"

"All I do is deal with dumbasses."

"How 'bout you bid deez nuts?"

"I'd sauté that pickle."

"Why'd you emote at me?"

"I'm turning into Mussolini and I'm not even fully sure who that is."

"No! I've never hawk-tuah'd on my inhaler!"

"I bet she failed Breathing 101."

"It's like... I'm vibing, right? But the vibrator is broken. Y'know?"

"Oh, that is NOT Biggie Cheese."

"What do you MEAN, I have a small grabbable waist?"

"I SAID I EAT ASS! I WINKED AT YOU! YOU DIDN'T RESPOND!"

"Fish stay under the water, I think."

"Dudes are mounting each other, and I'm here for it."

"Tomorrow is the day my penis starts bleeding for a week."

"Yeah, man. Sure. Whatever fucks your butt, I guess."

"Let me in, I have my rights! Me and the bugs outnumber you!"

"I would get a cybernetic dick immediately."

"If anything, you're a power bottom."

"Just put it in my trunk raw."

"We can go to Barnes and Noble and eat a book."

"I GOT your four basic food groups! Butter, Kraft singles, milk, and Verners!"

"I know he needs to go at a speed, but fuck."

"I DON'T WANT MY COCK TO FIZZ!"

"I think we should replace testicles with squeaky toys."

"I've replaced my bong water with Coca Cola."

"Imagine gooning in a self driving bus."

"Where is the tit on the almond?"

"Can you describe your coworkers in three words, without using slurs?"

"I'm so excited. I'm gonna look like a chicken."

"We can't skip the Beegees. We can only prolong the inevitable."

"If they talk behind your back... fart."

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FOR ORDINARY THINGS THAT FEEL INTIMATE *  inspired by this post. these don't have to be romantic - you can specify romantic or not when you send them. in essence, these are simply intimate, affectionate moments to share with someone you love and care about. adjust as necessary, send 'reverse' for the reversal of the prompt

[ lean ] sender rests their head on receiver's shoulder

[ shop ] sender and receiver go to the grocery store together

[ brush ] sender brushes receiver's hair

[ tie ] sender helps receiver with their tie, either by putting it on or adjusting it

[ necklace ] sender helps receiver with the clasp of their necklace from behind

[ zip up ] sender assists receiver with zipping up a piece of clothing

[ unzip ] sender assists receiver with unzipping a piece of clothing

[ shoelaces ] sender bends down to tie receiver's shoelaces

[ swipe ] sender notices a smudge of something on receiver's face and gently wipes it off

[ braid ] sender braids receiver's hair

[ jacket ] sender takes their jacket off and hangs it on receiver's shoulders

[ puddle ] sender hurries to stop receiver from stepping into a puddle

[ drinks ] sender brings receiver a drink from a bar/their kitchen

[ feed ] sender feeds receiver's pet/s for them

[ cook ] sender and receiver cook a meal together

[ feed ] sender allows receiver to try a bite of their dish, holding their fork out for receiver to taste

[ teach ] sender, an expert at something, takes time to teach receiver how it works and how they can get better at it, too

[ readjust ] sender comes up behind receiver and readjusts their stance (maybe holding a gun, holding a golf club, aiming for something, etc.) to help them

[ makeup ] sender fixes receiver's makeup for them

[ bathroom ] sender and receiver go to a public restroom together and have a normal conversation in between the stalls

[ aloud ] sender reads aloud to receiver

[ refill ] sender refills receiver's glass without asking

[ massage ] sender notices receiver looks tense, steps up behind them, and massages their shoulders

[ listen ] sender listens to receiver explain something they're passionate about

[ silence ] sender and receiver comfortably exist in silence together, both of them working or reading or focusing on something different

[ food ] sender brings food over to receiver's house

[ hum ] sender hums along to a song receiver is singing

[ see ] sender sees something that reminds them of receiver and texts them a picture of it

[ admire ] sender stares at receiver across a room, silently admiring and appreciating them from afar

[ win ] sender lets receiver beat them in a game

[ puzzle ] sender helps receiver solve/put together a puzzle

[ carry ] after receiver falls asleep in an inconvenient place, sender carries them to a bed and tucks them in

[ kneel ] sender finds receiver sick in the bathroom ("tossing their cookies"), and kneels beside them, holding their hair back and cleaning their face

[ clean ] sender helps bathe receiver

[ wash ] sender helps receiver wash their hair

[ patch ] sender carefully patches one of receiver's wounds

[fabledresources]

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ i'm not a good person.‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ i'm barely a person at all.

[rp-ask-memes-deactivated2026012]

send me “!” for my muse to tell yours what they really think of them.

NOTE – this is meant to be 100% honest!!

[nightprompts]

&. 𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐬 (𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬?) 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

(  various  dialogue  prompts  to  send  to  your  worst  enemy  (affectionate).  feel  free  to  change  how  you  seem  fit.  )

❛ oh great, it's you again. ❜

❛ you? kill me? that's funny. ❜

❛ for being someone you hate, i'm sure on your mind a lot. ❜

❛ you're the last person i wanted to see, actually. ❜

❛ do us both a favor. stay away from me. ❜

❛ you really are an asshole, you know that? ❜

❛ i'm the asshole? what does that make you then? ❜

❛ sometimes i think you must hate me. ❜

❛ i thought you said you never wanted to see me again. ❜

❛ if you want me to go, then you have to tell me to leave. ❜

❛ well, someone's cranky today. ❜

❛ well, someone needs to shut the fuck up. ❜

❛ just stay out of my way. ❜

❛ of all the idiots in the world, i'm stuck with you. ❜

❛ what is it you want this time? ❜

❛ sometimes i wonder if you're in love with me. ❜

❛ do you honestly think this is easy for me? ❜

❛ why would i ever want to be friends with you? ❜

❛ can we please just talk? ❜

❛ there is nothing for us to talk about. ❜

❛ you can yell at me later. just let me help you. ❜

❛ touch me, and you're dead. ❜

❛ oh, so now you care? ❜

❛ there is something deeply wrong with you. ❜

❛ i know i'm the last person you probably want to see, but... ❜

❛ you don't think we could be friends, do you? ❜

❛ i'm tired of fighting against you. ❜

❛ don't pretend you give a shit about me. ❜

❛ you're an idiot, but... i trust you. ❜

❛ oh, don't be cute. ❜

❛ wait, did you just say that i'm cute? ❜

❛ we're not good for each other. ❜

❛ if i say yes, will you shut up? ❜

❛ don't you have to be stupid somewhere else? ❜

❛ maybe we should kiss just to break the tension. ❜

❛ i'm sorry i can't turn off my feelings as easily as you. ❜

❛ maybe there's a universe out there where we're friends. ❜

❛ how can you be so smart yet so dumb at the same time? ❜

❛ don't think this changes anything between us. ❜

❛ you look ridiculous in that outfit, by the way. ❜

❛ if you die, i'll kill you. ❜

❛ is that a challenge? ❜

❛ ah, so you're not heartless after all. ❜

❛ i don't think i've ever seen you smile. ❜

❛ you never cared about me, so why now? ❜

❛ why didn't you kill me when you had the chance? ❜

❛ i don't even remember why we started fighting. ❜

❛ i don't have time for distractions right now. ❜

❛ you're not as bad as everyone says you are. ❜

❛ enemies make the best lovers, you know. ❜

[celestialprompt]

send me 💬 or "unsent texts" i'll share three texts my muse typed but never sent yours.

[lily-musings]

                 Still, there is this terrible desire to be loved.                  Still, there is this horror at being left behind.

[uniiicornmemes]

send my muse three names and they'll tell you who they would kiss, date or fight

[rpxmusings]

I'M DAMNED IF I DO AND I'M DAMNED IF I DON'T

[rubymemes]

𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 (a collection of prompts for muses who just love to flirt. Feel free to adjust phrasing and gendered terms as necessary) 

"Let me distract you."

"Let's misbehave."

"I can't stop thinking about you."

"Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back."

"I'm putting you on my to-do list."

"I'd look good on you."

"Don't bite your lip, I want to do that."

"Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?"

"I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?"

"You're even more beautiful than yesterday."

"Shouldn't you be in my bed?"

"Trouble never looked so goddamn fine."

"You're a bad idea, but I like bad ideas."

"Maybe we should just kiss to break the tension."

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."

"You're a shy little thing, aren't you?"

"Let's flip coins. Head, I'm yours. Tails, you're mine."

"Smile is the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Your lips would look so much better on mine."

"You know we should save some water, shower together."

"You like me because I'm a scoundrel."

"I'll do anything for a woman with a knife."

"The fastest way to shut me up is to kiss me."

"I just want you to be happy! And perhaps a little bit naked."

"I like my bed, but I'd rather be in yours."

"Are you cake? 'Cause I want a piece of that."

"Your shirt has to go, but you can stay."

"You owe me a drink because when I saw you I dropped mine."

"You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day."

"Maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out."

"Stop saying things that make me want to kiss the hell out of you."

[muselixer]

i will be adding reblogs of other inbox memes and musings (mostly the former) to my queue, to keep this blog a little more active in-between my own posts. just giving my followers a heads up! <3 mwah

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2024!

part four: october - december apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"They come when I'm ready."

"I'll come up. I gotta get wood."

"I think they will really like my shaft."

"I need you to help me take my pants off."

"Oh my god, guys! We're just like Snoop Dogg!"

"I don't care if they DNA test it! They're not gonna know how many toes were in the bathwater!"

"Fuck you. I'm un-circumcising your PushPop."

"That's okay, it happens to the best of us. And the worst of us. That's why Hitler happened."

"THEY WON'T GIVE ME HIS FORESKIN."

"THEY HAVE FORESKIN ON ETSY?"

"THAT IS A CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE HORSE."

"Take a tampon, soak it in vodka, and shove it up your cooch."

"You put pepper on your thumb, and then sniff it, and then sneeze the whole time. It's really fun."

"Hi, I have a question. Please be nice to me, I failed college."

"I totally get being scared to pull out."

"That's called childhood trauma. That's called cold pizza."

"Can we stop flirting in the gay bathroom?"

"Dawg, I have so much coffee in my coffee."

"I don't know if I've whipped you before."

"I DON'T NEED THERAPY, I NEED TO WIN."

"If they showed up in real life, the asexuality would leave my body."

"Have you ever had a food so good?"

"Do you think there are emotional prostitutes out there?"

"I feel like I'm floating, but if the floating was evil."

"They look like that cat meme with the eyebrow. Wait, don't tell them I said that."

"Pull up to the date like... Kachow."

"A SECOND TRAIN HAS HIT THE INTERSECTION."

"Don't look at me like that. You look like a hand-drawn frowny face."

"In terms of hitting, this chicken's kind of a pacifist."

"TECHNICALLY, Mary cheated on Joseph with God."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I being too manly? In my little manly sweater? In my little sweater that everyone likes?"

"Topdog? What's topdog? I'm a hands-on learner by the way."

"Paleontologists don't seek dinosaur bones just to fuck a dinosaur."

"I'm fina going to leave the group chat."

"Tell her a washboard is only 20 bucks at the hardware store, since clearly she doesn't want a washer."

"I already know your fuck head drinks Pepsi."

"Let's grasp it together, fellow idiot."

"Is he a couch fucker?"

"Do you have any proof that you don't fuck tape?"

"Please do not fuck the gutter pipe."

"This implies Christ is a chicken."

"You could kill me as an act of bullying and I wouldn't care."

"It'd be kinda fucked up if there wasn't any garlic in the garlic dressing."

"You guys are like what sitcoms think siblings are."

"If I want to get pegged by a cowboy, do I have to cut off his dick and give him a strap?"

"Are you a peg-ologist, by chance?"

"That's how you know this was organized by a straight man. You gotta come too early."

"Do you think Jesus gages his hand holes?"

"I hate to fat shame a letter, but..."

"No, you're not! O, Q, and D are fine! G is just doing something weird with its body!"