Mathew Stewart

Not if he stays that wayHe can get all he ever wantedIf he's prepared to payI'm Mathew Stewart, a musical theater student at the Performing Arts Academy. I've been acting since I was a little kid and I've probably watched A Sound of Music at least 50 times if not more. I never feel more alive than when I act. Dating the adorable and lovely Koala bear Tegan <3Edelweiss EdelweissEvery morning you greet meSmall and white, clean and brightYou look happy to meet memeBlossom of snow may you bloom and growBloom and grow forever

[musicalmathew]

He's wishing all this would end - Task01

If Only Tears Could Bring You Back to Me - Midnight Sons "How will I start, tomorrow without you here? Who's heart will guide me, when all the answers disappear?" 

The first song in Mathew's task is this brilliant song from the soundtrack to the first Pokémon movie. Every morning Mathew gets up from bed wondering how he'll make it through another day without his girlfriend. Every single night he goes to bed thinking he can't take another day. He's been trying to stay strong, to keep his knives locked away because he knows that's what she would want and even though she left him she always made him a better person. But with her gone it gets harder and harder every day to stay strong and at last he broke down without her light to guide him. First the self loathing overtook him and then all the other things that came with it. 

Running in the Rain - Hinder

"She cuts herself to forget him, and every night the wounds get deeper  Tonight's the night she's gonna she her skin, because she's thinking that he doesn't need her.  She's wishing all this would end, and she's gonna try to take her own life again"

The second song I've used is Running in the Rain, a song about heartbreak. After his beloved girlfriend left him Mathew has been sinking further into his pit of self loathing. The bad things Tegan helped him keep at bay are hitting him like a series of tsunamis forcing him to figuratively fall down on his knees. There's one thing Mathew nees to realize though, that could really help him. Even though his heart's been shattered and he's in pain there's so much more to life and if he could only learn to enjoy the little things again he'd be alright.

"Wait! I know your heart's been shattered, but there's someone worth the wait there's so much more that matters. And I know you will be alright if you try To love the little things in life like running in the rain"

[musicalmathew]

Maybe I am better of alone || Self para

Who: Mathew When: July 3rd What: Mathew’s dealing with depressing thoughts. Warnings: Depression, mentions of- and flashbacks to cutting, violence, shooting and death.

He had gone through that day in his mind so many times already. From meeting up with Jim at his house till he walked out of that mall leaving his best friend’s dead body behind him. And everytime he did he came to the same conclusion. It’s my fault. If he hadn’t insisted on going to town instead of just playing videogames Jim woulld still have been alive. If he hadn’t suggested they went to the mall for ice cream instead of having cake at the cafe down the street Jim would still have been alive. If he had insisted they’d leave instead of having another round of ice cream when Jim wanted to order more Jim would still have been alive. If the man had just shot him instead Jim would still have been alive.

No matter how he looked at it the fact didn’t change. Mathew shouldn’t have walked out of that mall. It should have been Mathew’s liveless bloody body lying on the floor and Jim walking out. It was so unfair. At times Mathew hated Jim for dying. For leaving Mathew alone with the memory of looking at the gun pointed at his face when his best friend called out “No!” Then the gunshot, for half a second Mathew was sure he was dead. And for years afterwards he’d wished that he’d been right. He still did sometimes. It wasn't like he wanted to die, he just wished Jim had survived instead, like he was supposed to. 

For every happy thing he tried to think of the bad thoughts just knocked Mathew deeper into deep pit of self disgust. It was one of those days were everything about him was monstrous and disgusting. Even the evening he'd spent with Tegan watching Sound of Music was wrong, he shouldn't have let her close to him. He shouldn't have even looked at her. Someone like him shouldn't be allowed near people, least of all perfect people, good people, like Tegan. The right thing to do would be to keep his distance from her, but at the end of the day Mathew was weak, and whenever he saw her his heart skipped a beat. With her he felt like he could relax and feel alright. Few people did that for him, in fact not even music or acting made Mathew feel alright the way Tegan did. He simply did not have the strength to give that up. Yet another thing that made him a bad person. 

Biting his lip Mathew reached out to grab the knife he'd placed on the table. He wasn't going to do anything, just hold it, look at it, entertain the idea for a while. Just like he'd done that day when Tegan way away, except then it had actually scratched his skin. Not a deep cut, just barely there, he'd then thrown the knife across the room at the thought of what Tegan would think if she found out. Again that thoguht was enough to make him put the knife away for now. He might be too weak to push her away, but he didn't need to hurt her like that. ...for now. 

Because I crush everything, and I crush everything and I crush everything

[tumblingsofjames-deactivated201]

Famous lines in musical theatre.