i know everyone has their flaws, has plenty of them. I know my mother is one of those people. I know she’s not the best at parenting, no one is, and I know she tries her absolute hardest, and I love her until the end of time. I know this. But I also love her enough to acknowledge what she does wrong, and even if I don’t correct her on it, I owe her and her kindness to be a better parent than she was to my children if i have children because thats what makes generations grow right?
she asks me to take out the trash for her tonight since she’s in only underwear and she doesn’t want the neighbors to get freaked out. I agree, but am slightly hesitant, since it’s 11:30 pm, pitch black, and I have always been scared (more terrified than i like to admit) of the dark. my parents sort of know this, but since I’m a teen and too old (and she always tells me i have the mental age of a 40 year old) to be scared of something like that I’m pretty sure they’re just hoping I grow out of it soon, and don’t really acknowledge just how scared I am.
I know I shouldn’t be, I try not to be, however it’s okay that I am as long as I don’t let it paralyze me, etc. etc. thats a whole different story.
here’s where my mother is wrong. after a little bit of negotiation we agree that she’ll go out there w/ me (because fuck the neighbors tbh no ones out this late anyway here), and I timidly hold my phone flashlight behind her.
she tries her best to give me her motherly advice. she tells me not to be scared of the dark, there’s nothing there, and that’s understandable. i mean, what else do you really say? except I KNOW that nothing’s there, but does my overactive mind give a shit about the logic when I hear the faintest brustle of bushes? no. and then she tells me the part that sets my ‘weeooo weeooo not so great parenting up ahead’ sirens off
she tells me there’s nothing there. my fear is totally illogical and i need to get over it. that i should be scared of physical things, like getting hit by a car, or getting attacked. that there is nothing to be afraid of over intangible things like the dark. that i have to get over it to be mature.
i know that this has to do with the way she was raised, and the society she was raised in, and she is, in her way trying her best. but the AP LANG voice in my head that just analyzed an essay about this tells me this is a form of dismissal NOT the write way to handle a child’s fears despite their lack of logic.
she shouldn’t make light of my fears. she shouldn’t just chuck them out the window and tell me they’re wrong. she shouldn’t pretend they’re not there so that i can pretend they’re not there until they leave. she shouldn’t just assume that everyone has the same fear. am i scared of getting hit by a car? not really. because yeah thats a physical thing, and I do NOT dismiss others afraid of things like that, but to me, to my hyper, overworking brain, the psychological fears are so much worse.
i’m not upset or mad at her or anything, I love her and I understand why she says what she says, but I am slightly disappointed, if im honest. and I just wanted to write this out for my own sake, maybe to legitimize my feelings, maybe to help that one other person that reads this, I don’t know.
If you’re scared of something, don’t let someone dismiss it. Don’t let someone tell you that you’re wrong or immature for it. Don’t let someone tell you you ‘should have grown out of it by now’. Embrace the fear. Analyze the fear. Try to figure out why you have that fear. Try to slowly find a way to minimize that fear. Don’t let that fear control you. Don’t let that fear stop you. You are not your fears. But your fears are also a part of what makes you you. They’re the ‘work in progress’ to a more beautiful version of you. to quote a show I watched a few weeks ago, perfection is boring. it means theres no room to grow. having fears is completely human, is completely logical, and is a point from which you can build off of, work on, improve.
a fear doesn’t have to be logical to be terrifying.
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