Musings of a Single Lady

Journey of the sometimes difficult life of a single lady constantly hearing the ticking sounds of marriage o' clock. 20's. Bay Area.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Still with the same person as last post. Although this has been my most, if not the only, serious relationship, it also leaves a lot for my imagination. Like could I find someone else that could love me more, would treasure me more, be more all in, love me for all that I am? Then I ask if I do the same or is he someone to just check a checklist with? Conflicted. I gave up having kids for him. I've been resenting him sometimes, because maybe if I never pushed for anything, I would've found someone else. But I guess that's a big maybe because I have no way to know. I could leave and find out for sure, but isn't it also too late? I'll be fifty and a lone at this point.

[musingsofasinglelady]

I'm not single once again and this time, I really think he could be the one, one. I know I said that last time but forreals this time.

[musingsofasinglelady]

I guess I'm also stupid (not just ugly) for love. I honestly feel like shit after finding out who I thought was my boyfriend is cheating on me. I'm always so insignificant...maybe also to myself. It kinda hurts if we're being honest. This hurts even if love wasn't involved. I just thought you know...or I just really wanted it to be someone. Don't I deserve someone? I feel so ugly and disgusting right now. All that time I wanted to give him everything, help him in anyway, he was exploring his options--playing me like a game. I'm always just a game...not meant to be played with forever.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Status: not single. I'm happy.

[musingsofasinglelady]

This year has been a roller coaster ride when it comes to dating but maybe what I currently have now is the one meant for me. Is it okay to hope?

[musingsofasinglelady]

Messy Life

What have I been doing with my life (most notably my romantic relationships)? I hate being the easy, convenient girl, but it’s like I don’t care when guys see me that way. I just give and give not caring how this affects me in the long run. Idk, I just feel so shitty right now. I just want someone to love me, okay? But so far, everyone I meet are not it. I’m starting to feel that I’m not worth it. I guess deep, deep, deep down, I know I’m worth it, but am I really if no one else sees it? Yeah, yeah, it’s important that I see it, but damn it’s hard out here.

[musingsofasinglelady]

I'm sad. Why didn't you love me?

[musingsofasinglelady]

I find it weird how the farther I am from a relationship, the clearer I see it for what it really was. Bordering on hating my ex but it's not like I was faultless. I'm a failure and I don't think I'll find someone I'll love and can love me back. I don't want to marry me right now sigh.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Bye 2020

I guess I'm still trying to make sense of it all...of why you didn't choose me, of how you used me and maybe how you never loved me. I fear abandonment now that I know everyone leaves. I wanted love to be enough at that time and I'm not sure if we never loved each other or love just wasn't enough. I'm sure I'll get over us someday but right now, I wish you loved me at that time and fought for us. I hate to think our relationship mattered to me more and you dated me for convenience and your selfish desires...it's sort of ringing true though. It still hurts to think that. I guess I just wanted to mean something to someone, for someone to love me. For a while, I thought maybe it was you and to find out that it wasn't caused me a lot of pain. I chose to ignore it because I know it was for the best but the end of the year is forcing me to face all the hurt I'm feeling because of you. I hope you're happy. I think I'll be okay.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Are you still single? Just curious.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Is it lame that I want to be in a relationship?

[musingsofasinglelady]

Fails of Life

I want to know why he didn't fight for us. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. I thought I was okay. When one thing fails in my life, I tend to remember that everything is a fail . Right now, my last failed relationship is relentless at reminding me that I'm not good enough...reminds me of the many people in the past who said so. Those were many years ago and they still hurt...I guess especially how people I meet after that continue to remind me.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Almost 4 months of completely cutting you off from my life and I still fucking miss you. How fucked up is that? It hurts more that I know you're fine. How do I know? Cause you once told me that you were doing fine without me...that you were keeping yourself busy with work...like I'm interchangeable with work. Worse, maybe work was most important all along. I understand, but it is a tougher pill to swallow when we're no longer together. I keep imagining you're married and how maybe I'll be married too and we'll somehow reenter each other's lives anyway...like we're meant to be or something. Damn, it's pathetic. I also keep thinking how I wasn't good enough. You also told me this. I must've swept everything under the rug when we broke up cause they're now haunting me. Some days I just want to cry but tears just won't reach me. Don't get me wrong, I know it's for the best but sometimes I get so fearful that this is my greatest love. What if we gave up too soon or not soon enough?

It's so hard to be happy. Not gonna lie, I was the happiest during our best times. I remember watching you sleep next to me and thinking how lucky I was to have found you...shit lucky, my ass. Everything now feels like a mere illusion.

[musingsofasinglelady]

I'm regressing and stalked my ex. My ex...weird to even think I have an ex. Three months have passed and I'm sadder than when I started.

Just please don't marry her...even if she's way smarter and prettier. It keeps replaying in my head that he said I was the best...probably a lie now that I think about it. I just wanted someone to love me even for a little while.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Lonely and Confused

I guess I just swept my sadness under the rug after my break up, because right now it feels like someone whipped out the fan and it's all blowing into my face. Lately, I've just been mourning all the sadness of my previous relationship. I miss him...more than I care to admit most times. I want him to miss me too but we all know that doesn't really help the case. Maybe I miss how I was when I was in a relationship or I miss someone but not necessarily him...I miss the possibility of the life that could have been if we fought for it. I just feel like I lost so much losing this relationship and can't really see what I gained. Sure, maybe it is for the best because maybe he never loved me, but what if this is the closest that I'll ever get to love? I just miss everything.

[musingsofasinglelady]

And the journey continues. I started reading a book about relationships hoping that it will help open my eyes to things that have hindered me in the past. So far I'm enjoying this learning process.

[musingsofasinglelady]

Love Lost

As my current relationship is reaching it’s inevitable end, I am left to ponder what this love has taught me. I think it has only taught me one thing: I need to love myself despite my many flaws. No one person can do that for me and I need to do 100% of my saving. Love, as great as it might be, cannot do that for me. I think I gave our love (or maybe it was just my love) a fair shot to survive. I could sleep knowing that I did all that I could for it. Even though I knew deep down inside that it could never survive, I still tried. Granted maybe I was trying by myself and we all know that no love can survive that. He must have loved me too, right? I hope so. Even if he did, maybe it’s just not enough. I’ll always be thankful for our time. No matter how bitter it must taste now. He deserves better. I deserve better. The end. 

For our time, thank you S. It might not have ended how I would have liked it to, but I’ll always hold our precious memories with the gentlest of care. I will always wish for your happiness even if it doesn’t include me.