Glue

26, Conjuring motherly compassion. Its just a Shakesperian drama. Currently reading: How to Not be Wrong by Jordan Ellenburg

[musliftea]

Poor Parenting: Giving Grief the Power to Emotionally Lie

I have been practicing telling myself no when considering indulging in desires coming from impulses or habits that dont serve my goals or health. I'm familiarizing myself with the idea that I cant have everything I want all the time and consider it coping. Now I'm using this perspective to view other issues in a new way, including my grief and pain-induced self-blame spiral that predicts a perfect new future where I resume contact with my parents. This idea is junk food for my heart.

[musliftea]

Books Read in 2025

Atomic Habits by James Clear, not pictured because it was borrowed from a friend.

How Does One Become Muslim? by Abdul-Rahman AlSheha

The Duties of Brotherhood in Islam translated by Muhtar Holland

Earthtime Moontime by Annette Hinshaw

Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green, not pictured because a friend is borrowing it.

Evolution; The Story of Life by and illustrated by Hosler & Canonon

Invincible by Brian F Martin

Constant Carnival The Haas Brothers In Context by Emily Handlin

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenburg

Imbolg by Llewelyn

Magdelina's Choice by Molly Jebber

This collection includes fiction (Magdelina's Choice), memoir (I Never Promised You a Rose Garden), science (Evolution), history (Everything is Tuberculosis), art (Constant Carnival), spirituality (Earthtime Moontime, Imbolg), religion (The Duties of Brotherhood in Islam, How Does One Become Muslim?), and self help (Invincible, Atomic Habits). I learned I'm interested in reading a lot of genres and I can't wait to read more this year. :)

[musliftea]

I have an attachment to this life that is so strong, sometimes I have a low grade sadness that can't be solved when I imagine dying before getting to know myself completely. Maybe that's normal for me since my most accessible emotions unfortunately include sadness & fear.

[musliftea]

putting up fall decorations when it finally feels like fall in this blessed month of october, clear golden sunshine outside turns into a chilly night, sung to sleep by the crickets. taking walks feels less like a chore for my physical health and more like gratitude. hello autumn, we missed you.

[musliftea]

Poor Parenting: Lessons in Emotional Maturity

From reading Meditation & Mindfulness by Andy Puddicombe, I learned sometimes our thoughts and actions can strengthen our negative emotions. Sometimes even when something out of our control triggers a negative emotion, we can perpetuate it and spend more of our time feeling it by attaching more experiences (thoughts or actions) to it. Today from reading chapter 6 of Invincible by Brian Martin, I learned we can redirect negative emotions from 1 state to another emotional state including redirecting from a negative to a positive emotional state.

This is why reading self help, mindfulness, and abuse recovery books is important for my recovery because now across different books Im synthesizing lessons on emotional maturity/emotional quotient (EQ).

[musliftea]

Poor Parenting: Generational Coping

One poor parenting strategy is engaging in obvious self destructive behaviors while parenting a child. I understand the impulse to self destruct in an obvious way, I used to engage in many methods all the time. So coming from a sufferer's perspective, I think displaying your dysfunctional relationship with yourself normalizes that to your children. I do think potential parents should have a moment of self reflection in which they do view all of themself even the parts they don't like. And I think considering recovery from obvious self destruction is important if you want to raise a functional person without instilling a generational coping mechanism passed from 1 generation to the next. If you want a better outcome for your child than your memory of your childhood, I think that starts with you.

As a child of 2 parents who were both obviously self destructive, its one of the first few coping mechanisms I learned. I now struggle with both of their behaviors as an adult. They have passed on their own negative coping mechanisms to me. I take pride in stopping cycles including those of self abuse, so while I take responsibility for my actions against myself and my recovery I also believe my struggle runs so deep thanks to the subconscious normalization of self harm from my parents.

[musliftea]

Triggering Times

I can finally tell times are triggering when I start feeling sickening combinations of feelings: anxiety + self doubt + crazy + grief + guilt + manipulated-unsure-confused ... I cant yet identify exactly what has to happen to get triggered. When I am, though, my thoughts come first, reflecting the same intoxicating daydream titled What if I'm Wrong? It tastes like water, I'm supposed to drink it, but has water always tasted this guilty? Then comes the sequel I'm Absolutely Wrong. It was bogo night at the theater.

When I imagine the American tragedy What if I'm Wrong?, it intoxicates me chiefly by the innocent good faith admission 'its possible I made a mistake.' This is one of the only pieces of logic used when thinking about what happened. But its never as experimental as I try to make it sound. Its dramatic, it has 1 plot line, protagonist becomes antagonist.

Even if I cant identify everything that makes me spiral like this, I think recognizing what spiralling looks/sounds like alone is helpful because it takes the urgency, mystery, insidious curiosity, and sickly intoxication out of the experience.

[musliftea]

Being diagnosed with PTSD just in time for the Mother's Moon cycle is crazy behavior. A level of coincidence the most psychotic spiritual people could only dream of.

[musliftea]

"We do not have the right to judge how people should be. We do have a right to say what behaviors they may use around us."

- Earth Time Moon Time by Annette Hinshaw

[musliftea]

Poor Parenting

What if 1 of the issues with parenting in the US is 1 Christian perspective that people are bad? I don’t think this concept is inherently Christian, I think at its core it may be Abrahamic mixed with a philosophic perspective. In my majority Christian country, and in my Christian household specifically, I’m familiar with the concept of original sin and I’ve even been in another church that took this a step further and suggested all of us on earth sinned individually before we ended up here. This concept seems like it could benefit parents who are cruel to their children, and when their children accept original sin into their belief system it benefits these parents if their children are brewing guilt over their existence after accepting humans are sinful by nature. While an adult can contextualize this belief and reckon with potential guilt resulting from it, children are not capable of the same level of logical reasoning as adults. Yet children are emotionally developed, and so understand the world according to emotions.

[musliftea]

Poor Parenting

“Normal people don’t play all the toxic games psychological abusers do,”

- Shannon Thomas, Hidden Abuse

I struggle to understand what an normal parent would’ve done or said concerning some memories of mine. I don’t know what normal would’ve been. My parents were supposed to teach me what normal looks and sounds like.