hope, rest, redemption

yet not i but through Christ in me

[kenmarten]

kenmarten.com

A monster in a castle - Laxemburg, Austria

[mweeforever]

and so, God works yet again in the most mysterious ways. was visiting cells yesterday and we were covering acts 2 (there’s no escaping acts, really). the passage is about the pentecost and how as the holy spirit came and filled the apostles, they spoke in tongues and preached the good news of the gospel. 

after sharing our insights, questions and discussions, the leader led us to ask the holy spirit to give us a word for someone in the cell. usually in these types of settings, God usually brings to mind a lyric from a song and as i pressed in, nothing of such sort really came. i was then led to think about what the leader shared earlier with this member - something pertaining to love. and the phrase “i have loved you with an everlasting love” came up. google brought me to jeremiah 31:3, which says, “i have love you with an everlasting love, therefore i have continued my faithfulness to you.” and reading the context, i was confused as to how this might be applicable to one today, as it was addressed to israel. but time’s up, time to share. 

the members then went around to share and i held back in sharing because i had no confidence that it was God’s word for this person. but, i also felt back if i was the only one who didn’t share so i just went ahead - after all, it’s pretty general and taken out of context, could mean a lot to anyone. 

what i didn’t expect was for the verse to speak to him in such a way that was beyond a mere encouragement for a season in life, but for a struggle and baggage that’s been carried for years, requiring breakthrough. i don’t even know the gist of the story but i’m thankful that God’s word encouraged his heart that day and assured him of His love for him. 

and upon knowing that, i understood that God can and still will speak through me - i only have to be obedient and faithful. in so many previous instances, i had felt strong promptings that God wanted to give someone a word and i was sure and confident to obey. yet, in the recent years, the strong and sure confidence is layered with doubt and uncertainty. in some ways, i know my heart has grown colder, lukewarm. and in others, perhaps God is challenging my faith. in this season, i hold on to the truth that the holy spirit is a gift available to those who call upon the name of the Lord (acts 2:38-39), and he is our helper and advocate (john 14:26).

[birdasaurus]

Livia R MacPhedran

[mweeforever]

these two days have been such an uplifting time of realising the importance of a Christ-centred community. i’m thankful that we are able to meet for service in church and cell group in person and for the fruitful conversations that have come out of meeting recently. 

cell leading has been frustrating in this past week but the truth of God continues to be revealed in times of struggle. i was reminded of the essence of congregational worship - that is, to agreeing with who God is, what He has done and what He is doing and to remind each other of God’s character in fellowship. the many frustrations that i had faced in the past week with regards to how to lead cell were washed away by the truth that set me free. i realised the importance of encouraging each other to continue loving God in this season, where the girls are faced with the scariest exams of their lives yet. whether it is through bible study or message summary, meditating on some verses or spending time talking and speaking life to one another - the structure i used to know no longer matters. speaking the truth of God to one another and encouraging one another to hold onto God matters. 

peer cell has been really interesting too, and a reminder that we can run ahead with our worries and thoughts (be it in life, ministry, and even reaching out to friends) but the Lord establishes our steps and will work in His timing, in His ways. there are so many “what-ifs” and things that we think might go wrong in the process of bringing our oikos to church that we might lose sight of the One who truly convicts, the One who shows grace and the One who transforms a person. thankful for the reminder to hold each other tight in prayer because God is the one who holds us through it all.  

[worshipgifs]

[mweeforever]

been overloaded with questions about work and this impending graduation — the more i think about it, the more i get overwhelmed. 

writing this just to tell God how I feel. it feels like work is so empty and since there is not enough satisfaction that can come from it, and our lives will never be fulfilled by it, work feels futile. i can’t imagine going into a sales job and slaving away to hit my targets, making sacrifices of time and rest to excel and impress; it feels pointless to have to hustle for something i know has no eternal value and might even cause me sacrifice things that are of eternal value. the difficult questions that have been on my mind: how far are you willing to go for your career? how much are you willing to sacrifice?

been feeling like it’s so difficult to reconcile what God has created me to do and what might be making a name for myself, making a name of my own. how do i know what open doors are God’s plans for me? how do i know when to say yes and no? how do i know what i want in a job, or what God plans for me in my career? 

and a simple conclusion that might be enough just for tonight: man can plan but God directs his footsteps, as long as he holds onto God, listens and obeys. the only way to know what God has in store for me is to abide in Him, to fill my heart and mind with His word. maybe then, i will see the God-given purpose in my work and in my own ways, be able to work hard while continuing to choose things of eternal value. just for tonight, in committing this to God, give me peace until i am able to lift this heavy load and cast this care on you again. fill my heart with your Truth. 

[water-aesthetics]

[silvirub]

“The world is full of magic things patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” ~WB Yeats

[mweeforever]

still three-quarters left in the prodigal God by tim keller, but the first part of the book still gets to me the most. Jesus was sharing this parable with the pharisees who said, “this man receives sinners and eats with them.” tim keller then asked readers to imagine if Jesus was here on earth today, walking the streets. how excited we believers would be to spend time with Him, talking to Him and learning from Him. what would we feel if he chose not to spend time with us but with those we least expect Him to; perhaps, your pre-believing friends or even your enemy. 

what would my reaction be? would i detest that friend or enemy even more, or would i rejoice in the hope that they might enjoy His company too? 

from this, i learnt the condition of my heart that has yet learnt to love the way that God does. while it may be a process, i must always guard against the  hardening of my heart because of pride. as God mercifully extends His grace, may I learn to do the same, actively spending time with those who have yet to learn the joy of knowing Him. this is the call of the Lord until He comes back. i don’t know when that will be, and am reminded that this is indeed an urgent call. help me heed your call, Father God, to love as you did and celebrate the return of the prodigal son with You.

[parisians]

[mweeforever]

it’s so interesting that as i committed to listening to podcasts with christian content, tim keller was covering the parable of the prodigal son in a series and by that end of the week, the passage on my qt plan was on luke 15. 

strong reinforcement right there, God. the take-home message was simple yet something i’d missed in the previous time that i’d read this passage. how hurt the Father must have been that both sons treasured the good things he brought rather than their relationship with him, and how much he must have loved them to continue embracing them despite how hurt he was. 

it felt like God was reminding me to focus on Him and my relationship with Him, and not get distracted by the things that could come out of my faith in Him. so many times, we talk about the doing but God always reminds us about the being. 

thank you God for once again giving me a glimpse of Your heart, helping me understand who you are and helping me to love you more. help me to trust and love you more each day. 

[synqra]

[mweeforever]

coming out of the first day of the last semester of year 3 feeling so thankful. it’s been a while since i’ve journaled or even thought to give thanks but new year, new me (hope i keep this up!) 

started the day off with some human wisdom that Jesus is the better; He’s the better boss, better son and God is the better Father. the gospel brought me so much comfort to start my day. learnt so much pharma industry related information today that was really interesting, despite the class being a three-hour long lecture. caught up with friends i hadn’t seen for almost a whole year during lunch and after class and sat with an old friend during immunology too. 

did my quiet time, read more on the way back home and even caught a long nap on the train. thank God for seats all the way back and for holding the rain when i had to walk at unsheltered places during my commute. 

read the news (one of my new year resolutions) while i ate dinner and think i’m going to exercise before i bathe later (another new year resolution). 

thank you God for sustaining me through the day and may i fix my eyes on your to give me strength everyday.

[hisunfailinglove]

Sometimes we think time will heal us, but time just numb those feelings but it doesn’t heal us. Only God can heal your heart, only God can make your heart beat like it did before. But you need to trust in Him and lay it all down.

[delta-breezes]

Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.

Fred Rogers (via delta-breezes)

[worshipgifs]

[thesovereignword]

Follow thesovereignword on Instagram

[delta-breezes]

Brianna | @thehoneydesignco 

[mweeforever]

it’s so easy to be swept away by the things of this world, by its ideas of success and its pleasures. 

i don’t think i’ve really ever dwelled on my grades in uni too much, especially not in the recent months because i’ve been on an internship since july. as i’ve been contemplating on whether to take up a final year project in my last semester of uni (it’s three semesters away but planning ahead never hurt anyone, right?), it dawned upon me that grades were indeed important in getting a good supervisor, which would help you to get a good grade for fyp, and overall pull-up/maintain your gpa. i began to fret about my shitty grades and genuinely began to worry that i would graduate with a third class honours (nowadays, i think it’s called honours — whatever, it’s one and the same). i googled ‘third class honours, job’ and the future really seemed bleak for me if i can’t pull my grades up. 

will i be able to graduate with a decent gpa? will i be able to find a job when i graduate? will people not hire me because of my grades? 

all legit questions and good questions to ask. but, they stirred up anxiety in me. i knew that the Holy Spirit was prompting me and reminding me that God will provide as long as i do my best and it really doesn’t matter. well, sorry Holy Spirit, that’s really hard to believe, especially when i don’t even know what i want to do in my future. 

how can i take steps to a future i’m not even sure of? 

yet, God, again, reminded me that success cannot assure salvation. God’s definition of success is way different from the world’s. in the devotional, it says that success in God’s eyes, is loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and loving your neighbour as yourself. being reminded of the greatest commandment and the next greatest commandment struck a chord. at the end of the day, our accomplishments, our wealth will all fade away; but, God is the eternal God. and all he asks from us is to love Him, and love others. not a good job, good credentials or good looks, but love.

above all else, guard you heart. from the pulls and tangles of worldly pleasures. for nothing can satisfy our souls like the one true God. 

Love God and love His people with the love that He first showed us on the cross. 

[mweeforever]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/2Gpk1rtu5wVUCMQH86kErs?si=D2F8xqeKSUGAyuElBf7u7g)

was introduced to this song after a week of heavy-hearted emotions and questions of why. a weekend of goodbyes, hitting all too close to home; the reality of life and death more real than it’d been in a long time. 

in the midst of grieving, comforting and desperate prayers with clasped hands, God reminds us of his peace. peace that holds us when we are broken. peace that passes understanding. when we are brought to our knees and we turn to Jesus, He graciously extends His hand toward us and grants us peace. 

and that is comfort, that death of the physical body here on earth is not an end to itself. our souls live forever in the eternal peace of God, having peace with God, as we dwell in the presence of the Prince of Peace in heaven. 

[st-pam]

[mweeforever]

so it came to my attention that today is youth day in singapore, which means that it’s a school holiday for the youths in singapore. and, that’s great, i’ve enjoyed my share of youth day holidays when i was in secondary school or junior college. 

it could be that it’s my fault that i’m not up with the times — after all, it’s been a good four years since i’ve celebrated youth day as a student — or that they are just completely dishonest with me. 

cell attendance hasn’t been the best recently, about half of full strength for a month or more. and, i’ve come to learn and accept the circumstance, thinking that if they aren’t going to reply my messages or if they have excuses to give me, then fine. it’s your life, it’s your relationship with God. yes, i will try my best; yes, i’ll pray for you; yes, i’ll check up on you. but, that’s about all i can do. 

this recent saturday, attendance hit an all time low. two out of eight, meaning planning and conducting cell for two members. it felt ridiculous and pointless, i wanted to cancel so that i could take a rest and just not have to put in effort to engage. but, i was challenge by my sister, who said if two are faithful to show up, you ought to honour that commitment as well. and so, i did. i showed up, did cell, played games. we prayed for those who weren’t around and it was great. one of the girls explained to me the difficulties she was facing with tests, and how the weight of tests were increased this term, and hence defending the other girls for their reasons of not being able to come. i decided to show grace and try to understand as well, since this generation’s (and their parents’) emphasis on grades seem to take prevalence in their life, unlike it did in mine.

today is monday, youth day. i saw one girl’s instagram story of her going out with her friend. don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with going out. in fact, she was one of the two present in cell on saturday. however, the friend she was out with was one of the members who weren’t present on saturday, who had given an excuse that she had to catch up on school work. now, catch me up here, because you would miss out on cell and service, but willingly go out with a friend. i didn’t think much at the time of viewing that story, except ‘oh perhaps she’s done with school work and managed to go out after school’. 

until i remembered that it was youth day, and there, in fact, was no school today. could they not have used youth day to catch up on homework and study for that upcoming tests? 

literally feeling so angry and sad right now, as if the attendance of two out of eight wasn’t bad enough. really can’t see what the point of all this is, how do you speak the truth in love, in a way that they can see the consequences of what they are doing. how do i be accountable to God for these people?? is this a fraction of what Jesus felt when he was rejected by His people? i bet this doesn’t even come close to His suffering. i’m just really angry right now, please God, help me to see clearly and love like you do. and i need wisdom, on how to breach this topic with them, how to speak the truth in love??

[icardamome]

[mweeforever]

not sure since when i’ve felt this way but idk why it’s been so hard to open up to people recently. why is it so hard to share my struggles and to be honest with how i’m really feeling? it’s never been this hard to be open, so why now?

[worshipgifs]

[wordsnstuff]

[mweeforever]

back here for a series of word vomit, if you’ll call it that. 

i think i’ve been so lost in this past week and after praying and dwelling on it for a while this afternoon, i’ve traced the root of this week’s mood. last sunday, i was talking to a friend who’s attached to a sibling of one of my cell girls and she casually mentioned “oh you know your girl is scared of you sia”. initially, she mentioned the other sister (she got the name wrong, LOL) so it didn’t really hit me that hard (?). the more i dwelled on it and thought about it, the more thoughts clouded my mind. it didn’t help that that girl’s attendance, since the circuit breaker had begun, was only 1/4 weeks. on top of that, during online cell this week, i feel like i was further awoken to the fact that i really wished that i have a co-leader. 

i guess in one way, or another, circuit breaker is taking a toll on me. i see the group chat flooded with green messages (aka messages from me) and a few sporadic grey messages (aka them not responding, or very few responding). and i think to myself, if only i had a co-leader to go through this with me. would it be different? would it be easier to engage my girls, if i had another person in this with me? am i doing anything wrong right now? i can’t even tell because there’s no one to rebuke me or correct me and no one is walking is journey with me. 

i know i’m not alone and there are so many people who support me and pray for me in this journey. but, i’m really spiralling and trying to hold on to His word that “my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness” (2 cor 12:9). the very words that i held on to walking into this journey are the very words holding onto me right now. 

i still don’t know what i’m doing right or wrong, i still compare my cell against other cells, because that’s the only way i can benchmark how i’m doing. my initial thoughts were “yea, i’m doing fine”, but if i’m only concerned about appearances, then i’m clearly not fine. as i’m typing this, i realise that it’s truly not about what i do but it’s about how God works in my girls’ lives and how they choose to respond. not that i shouldn’t try my best. yes, to give it my all, the best i can at that given time, and submit everything to God in prayer. 

once again, my initial thoughts were there are others who’ve come along saying, “tell me what you need, i’ll pray for you” but i feel like sometimes prayer is not enough. but as i type this down, i realise how wrong i am. His power is made perfect in my weakness because in my weakness, i turn to Him in prayer. i submit everything weighing down on my heart to him because He cares. and when i see progress, it is all due to Him and i can confidently boast in His power and grace upon me. 

i can say now, that i’m still affected by what my friend has said. i guess i’m hurt by how she said it so casually like it was normal to me and it was okay for me. but it’s up to me to forgive and let go. currently, still unable to do that but God, give me the grace to do so. currently still in the darkness of the tunnel, but now i see the slightest glimmer of hope, a glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel.