I was today years old when I found out that I have full access to Buffy.
I put on the first episode was was immediately transported back to when I was watching it for the first time in my parent's basement. I was following along with my sister and A. We would talk about it all the time. I was just wrapping up high school and entering college. My brother was 10, my sister was 16 and I was 19. My brother was hooked on the last season because he had been watching it all along from a distance. I was invested. My sister as always, pretended to be.
At that time, I was so preoccupied with being pretty. 90's pretty. I couldn't come close. I was obsessive about boys, and pretended not to be. For a long time, and due to a lot of conditioning, I associated adventure with males. Oh little child.
90's pretty, means thin eyebrows. The 90's blue shirts with spaghetti strap tank tops, mini skirts, full hair. That 90's blue on everything. I am a true 90's coming of age girlie. And I still think that women who are 90's pretty are the most beautiful.
But now I also know, that men finding you beautiful is the least important thing. I thought their opinion was the most important until I learned that the most important opinions belong to the Wind, and Sea, and Trees, and the Stars and the Moon.
I always thought that, that poem I wrote all those years ago, the one that started everything, would return love to me. Romantic love. But now I realize that maybe it's just my shows. Those shows were the ways I had a window into the outside world, strong women, who could fight. Who could love. Who could sacrifice. Who were principled. Who made mistakes. And who were still loved. Who were because of all those things were, heroic. I always wished those messages of strength would rub off on my sister, and we could be strong together. But I think she scorned them, secretly, because I loved them. They were such an antidote to our raising. Strong women. Chosen Women. Chosen by Fate. By Destiny. By blood.
I wish I could have been heroic for her.
If I were to accept myself as I am, as I was becoming, then I would say that I am steeped in memory. Memory of my life, memory of humanity's life. I try my best to live in the present. But the truth is, I am living in many parts. I like work so much because it actually is in the here and now. When I close my computer, I am flung back in time. To memory. To tasks to stay alive and organized. But not really living. I think it's because I am not in relationship with anyone like I was younger, and I never will be again. I was reading Instagram posts about how other people feel like this. Like the friends you had when you were 12 or whatever were the best ones in your life.
Back then, all I wanted was to be myself in safety. I wanted to be in bed, with books, and music, and my shows, and just let my mind fly. It's actually all I could imagine for myself as a happy present or future. As I write this, I am in bed, with my books, and music, and my shows. I also have a dog, which I didn't envision then. After all this time, I feel like my nervous system is cooling down. What a shame the world I do these things in. I got there personally, but we're no where close communally, and it...is...grave and deserves a lot of pausing, and thinking, and wishing the hero rubbed off on other people.
I knew then, when I was with my mother and my sister and family, that those were the most precious times. The happiest, maybe. If you can call it that. But I can't tell if it is or was healthy. Whenever I go there I know it is't.
The last time I was there, I fell down the stairs. I was tired, and run down. It's harder to have a dog there than it is on my own. And honey. Am I ever on my own. From the movies and shows, it seems like a lot of heroes feel that way. I am not saying I am a hero. But sometimes I have to show up heroically for myself and, I hope, for others. Though, the for others is fading.
Now I cook. Take dog for walk. Worry about money. Get groceries. Go to dry cleaning. Chop wood. Carry Water. Even though I know that other people would see this as a little life, I have never been or felt so accomplished. I love it because I can do all these regular things, I always knew I could do, safely.
Anyway. I was styling myself recently, and I thought, wow - with my hair, and my clothes, and my memories, I am finally, now, at my Big Age: 90's Pretty.
