I canāt begin to imagine what itās like in there. Even the thought of being inside of a stomach makes me cringe. Yet there you are, my little friend, tucked away deep inside me. Underneath all those layers of flesh, skin, and clothes you would think Iād forget youāre in there. But how could I? Weāve practiced for this all week and itās finally happening. I can feel the anxiety start to set in, but thereās no time for that. I have a mission, and by god Iām gonna complete it!
I put on my jacket and walk out the door. You see, thereās this book Iāve been wanting to get. Every time I walk past the store window it haunts me. I know how badly I want it, I have the money, and yet I know that going in there will be terrifying. Thereās usually no one there. Just the one clerk, or maybe theyāre the owner. All I know is that if I try to get that book it will just be me and them. What if I say something wrong? What if I start freaking out? What if I embarrass myself and I can never go in that store again??? I remember you taking notice of how often my anxiety gets in the way of my life. I know itās ironic to see someone so much bigger than you be so shy and scared. Though in a way, I donāt think weād be friends if I wasnāt a ball of anxiety. Youād probably still hide in the walls like you used to. Itās really nice of you to want to help me out like this. I just canāt believe youāre helping me out uh⦠like this.
You coming with me does make me feel better though. When youāre in there I donāt have to worry about anyone seeing you, or you falling out of my pocket and being badly hurt. Except- Iām worried about if youāre truly okay in there. You reassured me dozens of times, and I told you if anything went wrong to give me a kick. Still⦠I donāt want to hurt you. I couldnāt live with myself. What if you run out of air? What if you get digested?? What if I canāt cough you back up???
No. No, you told me not to worry. Just focus on the book. Just get the book.
Walking past dozens of people on the busy street, I try not to look any of them in the eye. I watch my feet as I walk, trying to focus on my breathing. All I can think is āHow I wish you were here right nowā
What are you even doing in there? I felt you moving around in the beginning, but now youāre barely moving at all. Maybe youāve made yourself comfortable? Haha ew. How can anyone be comfortable in a place like that? Hey, Iām not judging.
I stop in my tracks and look around. Where the hell- I PAST THE STORE DIDNāT I??? God fucking dammit- I just know someone saw me stop dead and turn around like that. Thatās so embarrassing. Just donāt think about it just donāt think about itā¦
I finally make it to the store and I feel it. The door opens, a little bell rings, and the merchant locks eyes with me. Even though it was only for a second, all my symptoms start to show. My hands start to tremble involuntary, and I shove them in my pockets. It feels like thereās a rock in my throat, thereās butterflies in my stomach- I have to get out of here. I have to cool down somewhere. I have to do it NOW.
It takes everything I have, but I ask from across the store. āIs there a bathroom I can go to- I mean.. use?ā I tripped over my words and my voice cracked. I want nothing more than to melt into a puddle.
They look up at me, clearly noticing that I look like a sweaty insane person. āIts for customers only.ā
āOh- Iām a customer- Iāll buy something I just.. just itās an emergencyā They place a bathroom key on the counter and point to the far right corner of the store. I grab it and speed walk into the bathroom. Now Iām trapped. Now I HAVE to get the book. Thereās no way out- I trapped myself. I donāt want the clerk to hear me in here, but I need you.
In desperation I try to talk to you quietly. āā¦Little friend? Are you there..?ā Behind the butterfly feeling, I feel you shift in my stomach. āLittle friend I canāt⦠I canāt do this little friend. I know you want me to get better, I know it hurts you to see me this way but I canāt- I just canāt do it. I wanna go home. I know I want to get better I really do I just- the world is so terrifying and I canāt take it anymore. I want to improve I want to get better but I never will. I canāt. I canāt do it I canāt do it I just canātā
I gasp at your touch. Your little hands, feeling me from the inside.. and then all of you. Leaned up against me. Itās somewhere between a hug and a pet, and it makes me want to cry. Despite me being such a failure, you still really care about me donāt you? Even from in there. My breathing starts to slow down, and I wipe my face.
Is it bad that I.. sort of enjoy this?
In the beginning it was kinda scary, then at best I just forgot about it, but now I feel.. warm. Iām not alone in this body, I have you. And you care about me, probably more than I care about me. I feel your little tummy rub, and the butterflies start to fade away. I put my hand over my stomach. I donāt even know what to say. Can we just stay like this forever?
Oh! The book, right. I turn around to face my fear once again. Before I do, I just barely find the words to say to you. āThank youā, I whisper, and I go back into the bookstore.
I walk with a fake confidence, just to get this done as fast as I can. I grab the first copy of the book I see, and head to the register. I place the book on the counter and all I can think is āplease donāt make small talk PLEASE donāt make small talkā.
āYouāre lucky you came in so soon, I was about to go on my lunch break,ā they say while making eye contact. Just act like normal⦠say a normal responseā¦
āOh haha, I just had lunch before coming here.ā
The realization hits. I suddenly become hyper aware of the small weight in my stomach. Why did I say that?! Stupid stupid-
I think they saw the regret in my face, as they give me an awkward stare and asks,āWhatād you have?ā Oh nothing haha just MY TINY HUMAN FRIEND WHO IS LITERALLY IN MY STOMACH FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AS WE SPEAK. God- just think of a normal lunch item- eggs? No thatās breakfast. Sandwich?
āUh- egg sandwich,ā I blurt out in a panic. āThatās neat,ā they respond. Thank GOD an egg sandwich is a real thing.
I wait for them to ring up my book. Averting my eyes I notice a display of miniature flocked bears. Theyāre soft and fuzzy, and yet so small. Now that I think of it.. theyāre about half your sizeā¦
I swallow my pride and gather the courage to ask,ā hey actually, can I have one of these too?ā I avoid saying it directly as to not ruin the surprise. I hand it to them and they ring it up. āYour total is $13.49ā they tell me. I feel so relieved. Itās almost over. I give them my 14 dollars, and say to keep the change to avoid any more confrontation. They give me the bag and the receipt, I thank them, and as Iām walking they call out āHave a nice day!ā āYou too! Have a good uhm.. a good lunch!ā I reply awkwardly while leaving the store.
The door closes behind me and I feel the sunlight hit my face. āWe did it,ā I whisper. Iām so happy, Iām overjoyed. You hug me from the inside one last time and I canāt seem to get the smile off my face. Iām so glad we did this- admittedly it was a weird idea but god dammit- youāre a genius. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I start walking home and give up trying to conceal my glee.
What would I do without you?