Untitled

this is where I let out my frustrations. I'm not looking for help. I'm not looking for anyone. this is just my angry blog

[myangerrbl0g]

Friday April 18.

I chose not to k*11 my5e1f. I could have. I was alone. I drove far. But I chose not to.

[myangerrbl0g]

No one wants to listen to me. If I ever share my frustrations, I am met with people being defensive. They don’t hear me. All they hear is “this is your fault. You’re to blame.” when those words never slipped from my mouth. Then they bring up what they blame me for. And then there is no conversation. Just an argument to see who is doing the worst. There is no resolution. I want someone to hear me. To listen. It hurts.

If I were to say how lonely I feel, all I would get “People have it worse.” And they do, I understand that. Another thing I would get is “So I’m a bad mother/father/brother/sister/partner/” and that is literally not what I am saying!!!!! I AM HURTING. I AM ALONE. Not everything is about YOU.

My birthday is coming up and I want to be alone. I asked my partner that for my birthday I wanted to go to an event, and I got “Well, I don't want to spend my day off doing that.” Okay cool, I’ll go alone. Because I am always alone. They just will be on their phone, scrolling through videos and posts about politics. Let me repost this to show how woke I am. Let me see what this astrologer says. Oh I’m so mysterious and different. When you’re the same piece of shit like everyone else. Everyone else thinks only about themselves.

I pay for my family’s house repairs. I tutor to help my sibling get a better life, because she needs to have a better life than the rest of my family. But maybe I am selfish too. I’m helping her now so she doesn’t need my help in the future. Get her out of my hair in a way. But also I love her and I do want success for her.

I fuck when I don’t want to because I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings. But if I say that then EVERYTIME we have relations its “I know you don’t want to. You never want to. You don’t find me attractive. I’m not good at sex? Am i doing good? Does it feel good?” SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. I’M HATING MY BODY. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I’VE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT AND I HATE IT SO MUCH I WISH I CAN JUST CUT OFF ALL THE FAT. I can’t even enjoy something that should be so good.

I even tutor other family and what do I get. Shit. I don’t expect anything anymore. I’m just there to be a shoulder to cry on. To listen. No one wants to listen to me.

[myangerrbl0g]

There really is no such thing as family. We are all truly alone. I understand why people go towards various things like religion or drugs to cope with that. We are all alone. The moment someone realizes you aren't useful to them, they will leave you. That's why I try to be as independent as I can be. I don't need anyone. They can be around, but I don't need them. The moment they don't find me useful for their needs, I know they'll leave for someone else. We are all dispensable.

[myangerrbl0g]

There is no reciprocation. I do this. I give that. I give my all. And all they do is one thing and believe that is enough. All the hours spent taking care of this or that while I can be doing things for myself. I've got my own life. I want time to do my own things. But oh they should be rewarded for doing less than the minimum. Is it my fault for letting it get to this point? Is it my fault for staying? I'm so angry. Frustrated. Disappointed. Fuck it all. I'm going to sleep.

[myangerrbl0g]

Must I destroy the part of me that believes in people? I'm afraid of going past that point. I am sad and angry and frustrated and disappointed. And I'm tired of it. It feels like it's my fault for having these STUPID FUCKING expectations. Maybe I just need to move away. Maybe I need to just focus on me a little bit more instead of always being the reliable one. It hurts so much. I wish someone was there for me the way I am there for others.

[myangerrbl0g]

No matter how hard i try, people will only care about themselves. Everyone is selfish. They think of no one else but themselves. What are they going to eat? How are they going to get their nut? Who is going to give it to them? What do people say about them? What do people think? I need to look like [ ] so people can like me. I need people to know i make [ ] amount of money. Fuck all of them. People just use you. Community is only a way for people to use other people. Fuck reciprocation. I give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and FOR WHAT?????? NOTHING. No one cares. And look at the world. People die and suffer in horrible ways and no one looks on. "Lemme fill my life with distractions so I don't see that people suffer. I don't see that I TAKE from people and don't give anything in return. I expect everyone to give me everything." Entitled pieces of shit. The lot of you. We are all going to burn because selfishness. Of greed. And I hate it all.

[myangerrbl0g]

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