Keanu for President!
I have a feeling that none of us will be truly happy with the election results this year no matter how it turns out, so I say we all vote for a new candidate in 2020: Keanu “The Dude” Dracula.
Look at him! He’s adorable! And those little toe beans!
And look how patriotic he is! He’s rocking that American flag!
He’s adopted and has both an interracial brother who was rescued from a puppy mill (pictured in the Winnie the Pooh shirt) and a special needs interspecies sister! He’ll ensure that puppy mills are closed for good, all puppers (and children!) will get good homes, and health care will be more easily accessible for those in need!
He doesn’t judge, either! If a man wants to dress up as Elsa for Halloween, Keanu will only insist that he be allowed to tag along in his own Elsa costume!
PROS: LGBTQ+ friendly, doesn’t hate anyone for the way they look or dress, loves babies, wants to eradicate childhood homelessness, insists on criminalizing puppy mill operations, wants healthcare to be more accessible, understands what it feels like to be homeless, comes from a bad background and is climbing to the top
CONS: Young, inexperienced, and easily bribed with ham, turkey, bacon, squeaky toys, and belly rubs
Keanu has informed me that I have made a blunder: I forgot to mention the members of his cabinet that he has chosen so far. He has four confirmed members so far.
He has chosen his brother, Ranger Austin James, to be his vice president. Ranger is equally intelligent but is more mature and prefers to work behind the scenes. He also has a distinguishing white beard that makes him stand out in a crowd.
PROS: Mature, elegant, can trick enemies into falling in love with him before ripping their throats out
CONS: Not a night person, stubborn, weighs 3 pounds
His head of the Department of State will be his sister, Sassy Anne. She may seem lovely, but don’t ever cross her brothers; if you do, she will wage war on you, your offspring, and your entire country.
PROS: Beautiful enough to make people fall in love with her, yet cunning enough to get you to sign any deal. Loves babies, can defend herself well against attackers, loves belly rubs
CONS: catnip addict, sheds profusely, likes to sleep on heads, NOT hypoallergenic
His head of the Department of Defense will be his human grandfather known for now only as Bob. Bob is a veteran and was the head of a nuclear submarine base in the northeast for over two decades.
PROS: Highly intelligent, friendly demeanor belies his ruthless capabilities if and when the time comes
CONS: Won’t shave his beard, refuses to leave his job at Wal-Mart, requires help with certain tasks due to Parkinson’s disease (which Keanu’s healthcare plan will help treat!)
And of course every president needs a spirit guide (Thomas Jefferson hosted seances at the White House for Pete’s sake!), so Keanu has chosen his predecessor, Wolfie James, for that honor. Wolfie may have been gone for a year, but he sure knows more than enough to be helpful!
PROS: Insanely intelligent, wise beyond his years
CONS: Likes horror movies a little too much, catnip addiction, dead, maybe an alien? Like seriously, look at him; if anyone found out that President Keanu was seeking advice from a dead alien, that could ruin him! Let’s just keep this our secret, okay?
