My Bashful Badass World

The story of college student suffering with depression. I live in the space between feeling bashful and shy one moment and feeling like a badass boss the next.

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

House Shopping

Why is finding a house to live in with my boyfriend (not fiance) so fucking difficult! My wish list for a house is not crazy. 

1. In the country

2. 2+ bedrooms

3. Garage/ Barn (does not need to be attached to house, but preferred)

4. Cutts down Andrew’s commute (hopefully without increasing mine outrageously. Looking to be in Republic or nearby.

5. Has a yard and preferably 1 acre (or close to 1 acre).

6. Under $100,000.

It is just so discouraging. It is so hard to find anything to even consider within these limits. We were so close to buying this great house (only missing one element on the list) but we didn’t get an offer in fast enough......

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Hooplah

Two weeks are left and the assignments are pilling up faster than I can stand it. I think I am due for a cry. Another due date that I have missed. I usually cry more often than this, which actually helps me feel better....

I also need to hit the gym. My god I am so fat. This period weight is soo not helping.....dam my fat ass. 

I don’t not whether to just give up and go to bed or if I should stay up and work. I think I will stay up as long as I can be productive. 

[genntrygenntry]

[tommy1tomlinson]

An B….

[fousheezy]

clearly he originally had “an A” and then decided that was asking too much

[genntrygenntry]

True

[userboxess]

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Blogging for Class

I have an assignment write a blog everyday for a week and I am extending my twitter assignment and talking about how my generations needs to step off their dam high chair and stop being a pussy and stop being a victim. I am using a the hashtag dontbeavictim. I am struggling to write like 330-700 words. Why is this so hard?  I can blog on here like it is no problem. 

I think is because I am trying to apply logic to it since it is an assignment and not just spitting out my feelings online. I wish I could just vent a little more. 

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Tuesday is a day of change

I am not a political person. I do not associate myself with a political party, if I had to I would be a Republican. Everyone is talking about how crazy and how the US is doomed as of Tuesday. 

I have never voted before, but I will be voting tomorrow. I will be voting for Donald Trump. I refuse to vote for a criminal and Hillary Clinton is SSSOOO not fit to be anything but dead. Donald may be a sexist pig and no lie he is an asshole. But you know what? I think it is time for a change and maybe Trump is the kick in the ass this country needs.

The US needs to get our head out of our ass and make some big changes. Perhaps Trump is what will spark a movement and make some changes. We need someone who is brutally honest and isn’t a politician per say. 

For the record: I do not agree with all that Trump does or what he says, but he may be the change that we need. Even if he can’t make changes, I see the US revolting that he becomes President and maybe that chaos is what we need. 

Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. 

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Less than 200 days

 Its is becoming real. There are 196 days until graduation. Life is swiftly approaching and it is freaking me out tbh. Like November starts tomorrow. Holy shit! Where in the hell did October go? Time is just flying by and I know there is nothing I can do to slow it down or to stop it.

I have like 2 months until I start my internship, and it doesn’t even feel real yet. I am hoping it will feel real when I goto visit. I have put notice in to my other jobs already :). 

I am so excited to be cutting it down to working only like 1.5 to 2 jobs, and still making more money this way too! 

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Joanne

I am holding on to my sanity by a single thread...I am so dam close to loosing my fucking mind. I just want to scream and cry and yell and just dam! Joanne is the only thing keeping me sane right now. I have listened to this album like a million times since it came out....

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

174

I am scary close to reaching 200 pounds, like 26 pounds close. That is up 14 pounds from the last time I was at the doctors...fuck. 

No wonder nothing fits me anymore. I am starting over beginning now!

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

I am my Primary Healthcare Provider

I am in charge of my health. I call the shots. I decide when, how often, and who I see as my doctor. 

I am in search of a new doctor. I should not be bullied by my family doctor. I decide what test we run and what type of samples I will provide to you. 

Do not tell me that I need a urine test if it is only standard. How can it be standard if I have never had one administered before? Then it is not standard, and if I do not need it you are not getting a sample of my urine. 

I am a reasonable person, if the test is needed or would better my health I am all over it, but dam. I will NOT allow some douchey doctor tell me that I need to have this test just so he can charge me more money and have a base for me. Fuck you I don’t need this.

Oh, and lets follow up in 3 months. How about no? I only went because I need more drugs. I know that my antidepressants work for me just prescribe me some more. I am off my meds and not happy about it.

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Motivation Wall

It is a crazy busy two weeks creeping up on me. I have so much to do, to go to, mostly good things. I am feeling the stress already tho. I have not been sleeping much and have been having quite a few bad dreams lately. 

I need more dress clothes and to loose some weight if I am going to have to keep dressing up so dam often. I am going shopping in Findlay on Tuesday. 

I had a panic attack in  the truck with Andrew the other day. I was talking about a million miles a minute. He was like whooo whooo whoo calm down, and that did not happen lol. 

In the next two weeks I have: 

A DSAB meeting

Lunch with the Executive in Residence

Rea & Associates Internship Recruitment Day

Bonfire at our house

An interview with Barnes and Wendling

An advanced accounting exam 

PALS

Propel Ohio 

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Relaxing Dinner

I ate a meal by myself today and it was surprisingly relaxing. It was like 4:00 in the afternoon and I had not eaten all day. So I went to Taco Bell and ate alone. I just sat and enjoyed my food. 

It has been a shit show of a day. Auditing sucks and DSAB wasn’t good. Advanced went by, and Writing was okay. 

I just want to get my Auditing exam back and see why I did not get a good job. 

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Vice-Chair or Chair

I am the vice-chair, and have been worried about being able to handle my responsibilities. AL is the chair and I find myself trying to take over his role. Why do I do that? 

Why am I so controlling, but yet still so self doubting?

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

Day one and two and three and four...

Day two here: so far much better than day one! I woke up feeling much better than I did the other day which is good. I still didn’t get a real parking spot which sucks, but whatever. 

I am feeling better adjusted and not so freaked out which is good so we’ll see how long that lasts...

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

The wonder begins this Hump Day...

Well the time has come. I am 21 and the time for senior year is now. It starts Wednesday and I am so not ready..... So that is not so wonderful. I am struggling with AR already! That bitch is just out to ruin my life I swear! 

Now all of a sudden we need another book that I did not realize I would need so that is wonderful! Its like TADA I’m going to fuck up your semester before it even begins!!! Ugh. 

I am so worried about going back to class. MM is helping get my life on track, but dam there is sooo much going on. My calendar is beyond full!! and there isn’t even any homework on it yet!! 

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

I’m on it (well I used to be)

When college comes around it changes many many many things in your life. It will flip it upside down in both good and bad ways, but it is quite the change. It is simply a changing time in us young people’s lives. I have changed so dam much since my freshman year of college. 

Time: Time is fading, and life is approaching. Trying to stretch time is very difficult. Running between jobs, school, meetings, family, friends, and a hint of me time. I have some how always seemed to make it work and usually Andrew has to take the bulk of the cuts sadly and I take the rest. One thing I have always prided myself on is being the one who takes control and steps in and saves the day. I love that, especially at work. 

Being the superhero in life is becoming more and more difficult. I have been feeling useless lately. Others have taken the high road and left me to be run over by the stupid Prius. 

It is time to start looking for a job for after graduation and find somewhere that I can lace up my old cape and zip up my tall boots and retake my place as SuperEmployee!

[mybashfulbadassworld-blog]

No meds=Lots of curtain

Well I had decided to take myself off my antidepressants...and well it did not go well. I wanted to take a few days off and regain some clarity. It had gotten to the point when I didn’t seem to feel any emotion. I was just drowsy and outta control. I was too numb. I just stopped taking them and well I should have and need to ween myself off or many just cutt them down. 

I was doing okay at the house all day by myself, but once my parents came home it was all downhill from there. Dad was just picking on me, but with my meds I can not seem to take a joke without getting upset if my life depended on it. 

To keep myself calm I just keep working on sewing my curtains that I made, which turned out quite well.