I feel sorry that you feel like your actions are your best options. I feel sorry that you feel the only way to protect yourself is to keep people at a distance. I feel sorry, that all the love I had to offer, and I am sure other people had to offer wasn't enough for you to see things differently. I feel sorry that even in moments of clarity, you cannot accept that things can be different if you choose different. We accept the love we think we deserve, and I am sorry that you feel that you do not deserve love at all. I hardly think of you now, but when I do, I wish that someday you will be happy. Not in the way where you are detached from everyone and everything. But in the way where you don't feel the need to detach from everything. The kind of happy that fills you with joy without one foot out the door. I wonder if I am the idiot for assuming that you are not happy, but I am not assuming. If you were happy, if you were truly happy with your choices, you wouldn't be so afraid of facing your actions. I know you meant your sorries, and I know you felt bad for hurting me, but it doesn't matter. I will move on, I have moved on. What hurts me is that I cannot save you. I just wish that someday you will save yourself. I will be the happiest person that day. I wish nothing but joy for you. But I now know that I cannot give it to you, nobody can hive it to you until you choose that for yourself. I do love you still and perhaps I always will. But I cannot abandon me.
When I was younger, the idea of someone not living with someone they love so much was absurd to me. Like what the fuck are you talking about? You loved someone that much and you went ahead and married someone else? That's bullshit. Mostly in movies. I ignore it thinking they'll show anything in a movie for the plot, who cares. Except. I get it now. I still don't understand how I could love you so much when you have treated me like shit. But I do. And I know that sometimes you did too. But it doesn't matter. Love is not enough. Part of me is mad at the environment you grew up in because I know you could have been a different person, if your circumstances were different. But at some point you have to take responsibility for who you are. And you never did. And you never will. And that is why I'll let you be. Take care.
theartofmadeline
gummygunk
