Day 28: One thing you regret the most
I could come up with a dozen things to put here, and tomorrow I would regret writing every single one. Most of my regrets when it comes to this show, this year and a half of my life, is connected far more to me than it is to Punchdrunk and the Burnt City.
Some days, I massively regret not taking more notes from the beginning. From not doing write ups and keeping a notebook of who I followed and casting. Of not taking notes of interactions and walkouts. Of not putting all my feelings and memories into a place where I can read them back and keep them safe.
The next day, I'm glad I didn't distil the magic of this show into facts, figures, and write-ups that didn't capture the mystery I was experiencing. I have spent so much of my life writing, and it was nice to just live something as magical as falling in love.
There are days when I regret the frequency of my visits. From regretting going too much and damaging my fragile relationship with my bank account, to regretting not going enough before the closure announcement, of not taking advantage of those quieter shows.
But, I think I was where I needed to be, when I needed to be there. Like meeting a soulmate, I was hesitant at first. I didn't want to fall too quickly, too deeply, if things were not meant to be. I tried to moderate, to be sensible, until I had the moment where I was hankering to see them, to be with them. I gave into it. I revelled in the excitement and thrill of finding magic every time I saw them. And then, the turning point where I knew it wouldn't last. I fought it. I went as frequently as I could, storing memories and moments like nuts for a long, cold winter of hibernation.
I'm not sure how much I believe in fate, if at all, but sometimes I wonder if this was part of mine, and I can't regret that.
I sometimes regret what emotions others were able to influence in me. Frustration, annoyance, dislike, active avoidance. During some of those busier shows, I sometimes let these outside influences dictate my shows, such as abandoning a loop when I found someone following I did not get on with.
But, if I wasn't so open to being influenced in my emotions, would I have gotten as much as I did out of the Burnt City? Closing that door stops movement on both sides, and by disassociating from the negative, I wasn't giving a chance for the positive to come through. Would I have connected so deeply to these characters and their stories if I wasn't willing to fight through the crap to get there?
One day I regret how often I followed the same people and didn't spend my time diversely. The next day I regret not accepting my joy earlier and following my favourites more often.
I guess, in the end, the one thing I consistently regret is that these wonderful performers, this incredible team of crew and design, from the initial creatives who dreamt it up to those who delivered that dream night after night, may not ever truly comprehend how deeply they affected many of us. We thanked them, we put out lovely, grateful messages, but sometimes I wonder if they saw the depths of our gratitude. If they knew they had changed us, irrevocably, from the inside out.
We'll probably never know, and I guess I regret that.
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