kerosenedaydreams

semi-functioning adult

[thelaurenshippen]

okay, maybe the day after the show has ended is the worst time to try and get people to watch it BUT can we please get more people on tumblr to watch evil. let me share the ways in which it is everything tumblr always says it wants:

it's x-files meets supernatural - a psychologist, a priest, and a scientist walk into a bar get hired by the catholic church to investigate demonic possessions

kristen bouchard. woman of All Time. canonically bisexual psychologist mother of the best daughters ever, wants to fuck a priest so bad it makes her look stupid and also definitely murders at least one guy and probably seduces a nun. single handedly destroying the catholic church by making everyone horny

father david acosta, hot priest 2 electric boogaloo. mike colter being the softest catholic priest who also vividly hallucinates biblical visions and has sex dreams about a demonic version of his best friend

ben shakir. ben the magnificent. my perfect skeptic, my favorite special little guy who gets his head quantum fucked and starts seeing a djinn. but before that he's the driest, most reluctant demon hunter ever and the best accidental stepdad to four teenagers. ultimate girl dad. genuinely offers to kill someone for kristen but can't say I love you. if you have ben in your corner, I think you could kick god's ass

you want to watch something that isn't just another show about white dudes? the only lead who is a white dude is the villain and literally (?) a servant of satan

on that note, the ? after literally is because the show never actually confirms that any the supernatural shit is real. incredible needle to thread

the OT3 to end all OT3s. none of these people ever have sex with each other but they are SO in love and devoted to each other its insane. you think you know what a situationship looks like but you haven't seen three people have to pull over off the highway simply so they can all hug. they would kill and die for each other but mostly they sit on the floor and get drunk on tiny margaritas in a can

a nun played by andrea martin who is literally holding the braincell for the entire catholic church. she actually fights demons and is afraid of no creature in heaven or hell. I want her to be my grandma

I could go on forever and ever but you just gotta watch it. it's on paramount plus and netflix and you're gonna fall in love with it I promise

[glumshoe]

I’d like to know what the first person to put human clothing on a dog was thinking

[glumshoe]

like were dogs even dogs yet or did someone manage to squeeze a particularly patient tamed wolf into a leather shirt and then howl with laughter as it trotted around the cooking fires dressed like Uncle Urg begging for food scraps

[glumshoe]

the wolf started running backwards in circles trying to get out of Uncle Urg’s shirt and everyone is laughing so hard that the sleeping children and young mothers and old folk wake and come out of their hide huts and observe First Funny Dog galloping around in the moonlight, and a tradition is born

[youaresogoingtohell]

There was a brief but decisive evolutionary bottleneck of canines that begrudgingly allowed homo-chimps to live after sticking them in a corset.

[glumshoe]

“Will you flush game for me, Wolf, when I go hunting the wild things beneath the trees?” asked Human.

“I will,” said Wolf, “If only you leave me the bones and scraps of meat from your kills.”

“That is well,” said Human. “And will you use your ears and eyes and nose to guard me while I rest, and warn me when lions prowl too near?”

“I will,” said Wolf, “If only you let me lie in the warmth of your cooking-fires.”

“But of course,” said Human. “And will you do as I command, and follow me wherever I go, and love my children and grandchildren as you would love your own?”

“I will,” said Wolf, “If only you scratch me where my claws cannot reach, and pet me, and heal my injuries when I am wounded.”

“Always,” said Human. “And will you let me dress you up in funny clothes, and dance around, and do little tricks for me to laugh at?”

Wolf hesitated, and eyed Human warily for some time, weighing its choices. “That depends,” it said. “Will you tell me I’m a good boy?”

Human smiled. “The goodest boy,” it said.

Dog wagged its tail, and Wolf was no more.

[whatevercomestomymind]

I’ve reblogged it before, and I’ll say it again: this prose is right up there with Kipling’s Just So Stories. A modern literary masterpiece. I feel compelled to make an illuminated manuscript of it.

[butterflybi-deactivated20220418]

bisexuals see the word bisexual and are filled with an overwhelming need to hit the reblog button

[rosmaryne]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“i’m a fearsome indestructible monster of lore whose one shocking weakness is fire” buddy everyone’s weakness is fire

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“zombies/vampires/witches/frankensteins can be burned to death” buddy who can’t

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“zombies can be killed by cutting off their heads” dude I got news for you about how heads work

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“a stake to the heart will kill a–EVERYBODY, IT KILLS EVERYBODY

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“silver bullets” explain to me your understanding of the purpose and function of a bullet

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

fuck that mess, u know whom i respect? Wicked Witch of the West getting melted by a bucket of fucking mop water. that is some Grade A Classy Shit TM. who gets killed by a bucket of dirty water??? no one, literally nobody else. just that one weird green witch. now THAT is how you build a fucking brand

[anthonycrowleymoved]

rick and morty is good actually but no one is allowed to say that because idiot dudebros ruined it for everyone

[anthonycrowleymoved]

rick and morty had an episode that combined a political drama, an allegory for tensions between cops and racial minorities, a parody of the film stand by me, and a discussion of class uprising and actually made sense and tied into an earlier narrative but we can’t enjoy that because some entitled assholes took a joke too seriously and acted like jerks at mcdonalds

[libraford]

It was kind of interesting to me that out of all the people in our training group, the ones that were the quickest to form social bonds were the people from way out in the country and the city people just kind of quietly kept to themselves.

But I was definitely accepted as one of the bumpkins.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Oh! This is actually an example of Rural vs Urban manners.

In rural/less densely populated areas, the polite thing is to offer people your time and social energy which is why country people will talk your ear off at the slightest acquaintence- it's kind of lonely when you have to make an effort to see people, so you Make An Effort (TM)

In Urban/Densely populated areas, you're meeting people whether you want to or not, because you are physically close to each other constantly. So the Polite Thing there is to kind of ignore other people and keep strictly to business, so you're not imposing upon thier (probably already drained) soical spoons.

The city folks will warm right up to you once they get to know you well enough to know that talking to you won't piss you off.

[sorekbekarmi-deactivated2022051]

Yes. As a country person, you might find city people cold and aloof. As a city person, let me say that we probably find you invasive and annoying. Don't take it personally, but please stop feeling like you're entitled to deep and extensive social pleasantries and small talk with absolute strangers, it's exhausting.

[meirmakesstuff]

"I'm going to politely back off and stop talking to you so you know I'm not trying to rudely monopolize you when you could be stressed or busy. You seem nice and I might like to make friends with you, so I'm going to make a point of giving you plenty of space so you know I'm safe." - city dwellers

[enby-life]

Broke: I hate myself and I’m untalented and no one likes me

Woke: I dislike myself right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m unlikeable and I have some qualities that I like about myself. Just because I don’t live up to other people doesn’t mean I’m not good at what I do, I’m worthy of love

Bespoke: god nerfed me by making me doubt myself because they knew I’d be unstoppable otherwise. I love myself out of spite and every day I become more amazing.

[inthetags]

If you own a car and you’ve “named” it, reblog and put your car’s name in the tags.

[just-shower-thoughts]

The malice that is absent in Canadians is stored in their geese.

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[supercomplicatedperson]

[galaxianbitch]

i think about this tiktok literally every day

[beatlesweatles]

[kendallroy-deactivated20210425]

37 jokes reductress would reject if i submitted them but instead i’m just posting them on tumblr

I’m Not Just The Hot, Young, Conniving Ice Queen Who’s Going To Marry Your Dad And Ship You Brats Off To Boarding School — I Also Have Hemorrhoids

I’m Sick Of The Patriarchy Telling Me To Downplay My Accomplishments, Such As Getting Away With The Murder Of Natalee Holloway

Feminist Icon? Terrible Mom Ensures Daughter’s Future Therapy Sessions Will All Pass the Bechdel Test

Aww! Woman’s Parents Fled Hardships Of Communism Just So She Could Experience Hardships Of Capitalism

Couple’s Venmo Transaction History Paints Pretty Vivid Picture of Whose Idea It Was To Open Their Relationship

Bitch Who Had TWO American Girl Dolls Wants To Lecture You About Class Consciousness Now

Report: Gaslighting And Lying Just Kind Of The Same Thing, According To Lauren

5 Guys To Date In Your 20s Even Though They’re Not Gerri From Succession

Quiz: Is This Emotional Labor Or Just Listening To Your Friend Talk About Her Problems For Once?

Wow! Friend’s Entire Poly Relationship Drama Could Be Solved With Chore Chart

I Hope This Email Finds You Before The Owner Of This Remote Island Does, Because He’s Hunting You For Sport

5 Fights To Have With Your Boyfriend That Are Just The ‘Whitecaps’ Episode Of The Sopranos 

I Online Stalked My Ex’s New Girlfriend And Get This: She Used To Be Mormon???

Weird Quirks You Didn’t Know Were ADHD Symptoms That Are Just Having Enormous Bazonkers And A Dump Truck Ass

Goals! Woman’s Entire Understanding Of Stock Market Comes From Neopets

Haley Posting A Whole Lot About God’s Grace For Someone Who Gave You A ‘Backup Invitation’ To Her Pool Party In Sixth Grade

6 Movies To Watch Even Though Kathryn Hahn Isn’t Even In Any Of Them, So What The Fuck

Quiz: Is This A Serious Feminist Issue Or A Personal Problem You’ve Projected On Your Parasocial Relationship With An A-List Celebrity?

How To Settle Down With Jeff Even Though You Lack The Sizzling Chemistry Of Robert De Niro And Al Pacino In ‘Heat’

4 Theories About Kim On ‘Better Call Saul’ That Will Make Your Coworkers Say “Yeah, I’ve Been Meaning To Check That Show Out”

Report: Emily Identifying As Empath Now, Which, Not To Be Rude, But Emily?!

Quiz: Is That Movie A Feminist Masterpiece, Or Does It Just Have A Woman In It?

Inspiring! Jenna’s Handshake So Fucking Firm, No One Can Tell She Grew Up Without A Father

How To Pretend You Never Hated Anne Hathaway Now That Everyone Likes Her Again

Activism Win! Kevin’s Intersectional Feminism Definitely Not Just An Excuse To Call This One White Women A Cunt

All 5 Women On Bumble BFF Still Looking For The Abbi To Their Ilana, So Good Luck

4 Things Your History Teacher Definitely Told You That You Didn’t Retain Because You Were Writing Horny Draco/Harry Fanfic In Your Notebook 

‘There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism’ Says Woman About To Blow $77 On Polyester Tops From Fashion Nova

Fuck! Tamogatchi Definitely Dead By Now

Quotes From Gone Girl’s ‘Cool Girl’ Monologue To Take Out Of Context When Some Bitch Rubs You The Wrong Way

4 Inspiring Female Politicians To Call ‘Neoliberal Shills’ As Soon As You’re Totally Clear On What That Means

Huh! 100% of Lindsey’s Sexual Fantasies Attributable To The Alan Cumming Character In ‘Spy Kids’

Aww! Teacher Lonely Enough To Consider Confiding In Neurotic Third Grader Whose Parents Are Also Going Through Tough Divorce

Woman Who Just Mainlined 500-Comment Meltdown In Facebook Group Thinks ‘Gifted Kid Burnout’ Is The Reason She Hasn’t Read A Book In Years

Does She Believe In An Antisemitic Conspiracy About A Sex Trafficking Ring Of Satan-Worshiping Elites, Or Is She Just Kinda Quirky?!

31-Year-Old Woman Who Claims You ‘Can Pry Her Skinny Jeans From Her Cold, Dead Hands’ Claps Back At Gen Z By Becoming Lobbyist For Fossil Fuel Industry

Group Text Puts Aside Feminism To Really Just Go The Fuck In On Crystal

[trashcora]

PEDRO PASCAL APPRECIATION WEEK ↳ Day 5: Pedro + Favourite Recurring Thing → FLEETWOOD MAC T-SHIRT

[princesshamlet-deactivated20210]

as a jew i love having opinions on jesus. it’s like. no i don’t think he was messiah However Yes i am a fan of this dude. fucker said ‘it’s easier for a camel to go thru the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to go to heaven’ and proved his point by going absolutely ballistic flipping tables and chasing merchants with a whip in broad daylight in a synagogue. basically my thoughts on jesus are: 10/10 would go to brunch with.

[beggars-opera]

[craftyhikingoutdoorsopera-deact]

[neoflect]

not only do i support lil nas x appropriating characters and symbols from christianity to make horny, campy gay hip-hop videos, i think this sets the bar for lgbt media in the future. fuck that "were just like you!" respectability shit. i need all gay artists to make their work exactly as hostile and disrespectful to the christian right as the christian right has been to gay people for all of its history.

[neoflect]

this goes for the christian "allies" who are hand-wringing over that video too. "im glad hes proud of who he is, but these images are sacred to some peoples beliefs and he needs to respect that!" no, he doesnt, and in fact if your "gay art" is palatable to homophobic christians, it is not good gay art.

[lgbt-tiktoks]

[deir]

same energy