My Diary

thoughts, feelings, what happened today

[mydeardiary121]

This is what my house looks like when I get sick

I do not feel good enough to stand, so my house has to pile up with shit

When will my 'partner' start acting like he's older than 10 and actually do a fucking chore?

[mydeardiary121]

Hate the negative feelings

Tonight I feel like shit

I hate how hateful I can feel towards the person who I believe to actually be my soul mate..

No matter how much my heart hurts due to his actions, I can't stay away from him. I always forgive him in the middle of whatever were arguing about, and while I'm still hurt and upset that whatever has happened, I don't remain angry at him

I know I've never felt this way for anyone before

I feel stronger for Matthew than I ever have for anyone

I hate the way I treat Matthew.. how can I say I love him and then do the things I do to him? But then again, the same goes for him... How can he lie to me seemingly so often, when I can't even keep a simple dream about another random male hidden from him?

Often I feel like he's too good for me, like I should do more, but then I think about how little he does to contribute to our joint household and I feel how i act is justified

But how can I justify my shitty behavior simply based off of someone elses? What does that say about my character, or lack thereof? Should I just do everything that should be done, in hopes that he'll notice everything I do and eventually help out without me having to ask? There has to be some sort of middle ground.. 2 years ago in the beginning of our relationship, he asked me to step up with the house cleaning. I did what he asked; when will he follow suit?

[mydeardiary121]

Why the fuck do I stay with someone that judges me so harshly

Someone who's caused me to become such a hateful person

Why the fuck do I stay with someone who rolls their eyes at me when I request they get off of their lazy fucking ass and take care of our child for once

Someone who groans and moans over having to complete a simple fucking household task, yet throws a temper tantrum like a fucking 5 year old girl if the house isn't clean and tidy enough like I'm the only person who lives here

I am so fucking frustrated every day

When does it get better, when I stop giving a shit?

[mydeardiary121]

Ask and you shall not receive

This morning I begged him to fulfill my unmet needs. I spoke outloud the words my heart has been screaming inside of me.

I asked him to compliment me, to make me feel beautiful, happy. I begged him to say the things he was saying to his childhood friend he had recently reconnected with, in their hidden and deleted text messages.

Tonight I stare at the side of his face as he smiles not at me, but at his brightly colored computer screen.